Spies

I haven't talked about this much; both because I feel scared it is true, and because if it is true I want to stay under the radar. I have strange thoughts beyond my depressive thoughts much of the time.

The most consistent, and the most limiting/difficult to deal with strange thoughts are thoughts and beliefs that I am being followed, spied upon, watched, photographed etc.

These beliefs are very powerful and real, yet I do recognize on some level they may be symptoms of my depression. Thinking that however, does not stop me from believing them to be real most of the time.

When they are at their worst I see people following me, or taking my picture, or watching me. I get scared they are spies from work, or from the insurance company trying to prove I am not sick, and that I should lose my job/insurance. I shut myself in my house and don't go out because I feel scared I will do something wrong.

I sometimes write less openly on my blog because I feel their are two people from an employee investigation company following my blog on a daily basis. I discovered their organization has done investigative work for my insurance company. They freak me out. I have labeled them spies on my Sitemeter. They read every single day. This reinforces my fear.

My landlord works for an insurance company. I have seen him with a giant lensed camera in his car. We share Wifi. He seems really nice, but he scares me. I am afraid he reads what I write, watches what I read, spies on me; is on to me.

On to me for what I am not sure. I am depressed. I do need help. I am not doing anything wrong. I always feel like I am bad though. Like I AM doing something wrong. Like no one is sick for this long. Like I must be taking advantage of my work and insurance company, because no one stays depressed for years do they? No one has so many medicine treatments and therapy and stays sick do they?