Saturday, November 05, 2005

Do It Anyways

"Do it in spite of your fear that someone is watching you". That's what my pdoc suggested I do when I become overwhelmed and suspicious about being spied on by my work.

I have been so stressed out with my depression and with my Mom's terminal illness. As she becomes more ill I become more depressed, as I become more depressed I become more suspicious of others. It is to the point now where I am constantly scanning everywhere I am to see if someone is spying on me. I close my curtains so no one can see in my living room. On the ferry the other night I was sure a man behind me was taking pictures of me with his cell phone. In the laundromat yesterday I became very suspicious that a lady there was following me.

One part of me can (sort of) see how crazy this is, but the other part of me insists it is true. I think much of my feelings, especially how specifically the thoughts are linked to my work, are linked to how guilty I feel for not getting better, and my fear of being judged by others as doing something wrong. I have to know in my heart that I tried my hardest to remain at work, even when I was extremely ill. I saw numerous different therapists over a number of years, tried medication, decreased my work week to 4 days a week...all at my own cost. I also have to remember that I am trying my hardest to get better. That is all I can do.

Anyways, today I decided, even though I "sensed" I was being watched, to open the curtains and defiantly be and do whatever I feel like, even if I am afraid.