Wide Awake

It's 3:40 and I have been wide awake since 1:00am. I am (sort of) trying out the sleep/wake system some indigenous people in the world use: If I am awake and cannot sleep, get up, do something relaxing and go to be when I am tired again. I say "sort of", because I did lay in bed for 2 1/2 hours fruitlessly trying to get back to sleep.

I do not understand why I cannot sleep when I take so much medication, some of which, 1000 mg of Tegretol (a mood stabilizer) and 300 mg Trazadone (an older, sleep inducing antidepressant), is meant to help me sleep.

They do help me get to sleep. Within 1/ hr of taking it I can barely stay awake. These medications also, sometimes, seem to help me stay asleep, but like my shapeshifting (read:cycling) mood, there effect seems random.

Dr. X. has spoken with me about my alcohol usage. He's never judging, or paternalistic, but it is clear he is attempting to sway my beliefs, that alcohol helps me, away from the "darkside. He says alcohol may lower anxiety initially, but that there is a rebound effect, a withdrawal of sorts, later on. So if I drink to much I will initially fall asleep, but when the alcohol wears of I will be wide awake. It makes sense. Often I experience exactly this effect, but not always; which makes it difficult for me to think this may be the problem sometimes.

The trouble now, and often when I have these random sleepless nights, is I have not been drinking more than one drink (measured as 1 1/2 oz. vodka, or a small glass of wine, or a bottle of cider) a night all week. I am still not sleeping.

I also have wondered if my insomnia is mood associated. On some level it is. When my mood gets too high I sleep much less. I often sleep much less (at night) when I am depressed though too, due to ruminations, worries, anxiety etc. When depressed I usually sleep more in the daytime due to fatigue...so perhaps the daytime sleep affects my nightime sleep, but again this is not consistently the case. Not being able to sleep is so frustrating.

Now I am feeling sleepy again, so I think I will pop back to bed. Sweet dreams everyone.

Loving Kindness Meditation

I don't know why I sometimes get so much anxiety before my pdoc appointments . I always look forward to meeting with Dr. X. I love sitting in the chair across from him. Generally, within a few minutes of sitting in his office, even if I am really stressed out, I feel a calming effect coming from him and his side of the room. That happened on Thursday.

My appointment began with me feeling intensely stressed, but I soon became aware of what was happening (that I was anxious), and that awareness helped me refocus. I'm not sure what helped me become aware.

Maybe it was Dr. X wittingly, or unwittingly, wrapping me in calmness. In a way, it feels like a Buddhist "Loving Kindness meditation" taken to the next level, the level of practice, when I sit across from him.

So many of us are compassionate and loving beings. Unfortunately, to often, for me anyways, my depression, anxiety, mood swings and frustration with not becoming well, or remaining ill take over my compassion and I become anxious or angry.

A good example is how I sometimes become filled with road rage at small indignities done (of course from my perspective TO ME), by other drivers. The driver who races to the front of the left lane and then butts in right at the front, while all of us other driver's patiently wait our turn, or the driver that cuts me off, or races past me at mach speed. I become angry sitting in my car and the anger begins to turn into anxiety.

Why do I do this? I have been really trying to let go of this rage, and accept that others may have good reasons for doing what they do, or there may be a reason I do not know that makes them need to get somewhere faster than everyone else. I have no idea what is happening in the person's life to make them need to get to the front of the line faster than anyone else.

I remember a story from when my mom was dying. She was visiting me and suddenly began going into shock. We dialed 911 and the ambulance took her to the hospital. At the hospital the Dr. told us that they believed she had sepsis(?), that she had infection raging through her body and she was going to die that night.

I called my sister's to come over. My one sister had to fly from the island. She had 10 minutes to get to the airport or she would miss the last plane. She lives in the country and was racing down the road when she came upon her neighbours car in front of her. She tried to pass him, but he kept driving into the middle of the road to stop her passing. He also slowed to a speed well below the speed limit to physically force her to slow her down. She began honking and flashing her lights to no avail. Finally she managed to pass him despite his efforts to "keep her in line". She was mad as hell, but she made the plane, and managed to see my Mom, who pulled through for another month.

What if she had missed the plane because this man tried to aggressively stop her from passing him. What if she had missed the plane and my Mom had died before she was able to say goodbye? He may be right in that the speed limit was lower than she needed to go, but he had no idea how important her race down the road was. I try now to let go and to understand that I only see the behaviour, I don't see WHY people are behaving the way they do. I try to be more compassionate.

Dr. X. just seems to live and breathe compassion. I do not think I have ever heard him say anything negative about anyone. My Mom was like that to. The only other person I met like that was my grade 12 English teacher. He was a Buddhist and he was calm in the face of daily interaction with a bunch of riotous teenagers. It always amazed me.

On Thursday, part way through my session I felt my body relax, my hands stop twirling my hair and tapping my eyebrow (this is a strange habit I picked up over the past few years when I'm really stressed. Either that or I did it before and was unaware of it), my shoulders and arms became relaxed, and I leaned back in the chair. I suddenly felt calm. It felt like the presence of Dr. X was making me calm. It reminded me of the power of a Buddhist "Loving Kindness" meditation. He seems like loving kindness personified.

A Loving Kindness meditation is meant to fill your heart with compassion and love for yourself and then extend it towards all other beings.

• In the loving kindness meditation I know you begin by imagining yourself wrapping yourself in warm white light. You say to yourself, "may I be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy , well and happy.
• You then think of someone who is a mentor or leader to you, and you take the warm white light that is wrapped around you and you extend it to surround them, and you say out loud, or in your head, e.g. "May Dr X. be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• Then you extend the white light to wrap around yourself, your mentor and someone you love, and repeat the mantra, "May (my loved person) be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• You then think of someone you are having difficulty with and you then extend that radiant warm white light around the person you are having difficulty with and say, may (the person you are having troubles with) be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• then wrap the light around all the beings in your family and repeat: may all beings in my family be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"

Then you continue to increase the size and magnitude of the warm white light and wrap it around:

• All beings in the house: "May all beings in this house be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings/people in the building: "May all beings in this building be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings on the block:" May all beings on my block be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in your city: "May all beings in my town or city be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in your country: "May all beings in my country be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings on the continent: "May all beings on this continent be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• All the beings in the world: "May all beings in this world be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"
• and finally out into space: "May all beings in the universe be filled with loving kindness, and be healthy, well and happy"

Note the meditation is embracing all "beings", not just people. I would suggest beings in my version of the meditation includes all life; plants and animals, the ocean, the lakes and rivers, and also all the earth, space, planets and universe. The meditation is a means for a person to embrace all beings lovingly and compassionately in their mind. It feels really good to do.

The more I do this meditation the more compassionate I feel. When I do it my anger towards others subsides and I begin to recognize that we all struggle, we all want health and love and wellness, and we all deserve love and compassion.

Visualization Exercises for Anxiety or Insomnia

As I am practicing my deep breathing exercise I remember that yesterday I forgot to tell Dr. K I have been having massive chest pains...I think it is anxiety, because it isn't "crushing...it is sharp, piercing pains, that have been appearing off and on over the last week. The pain is at time excruciatingly painful when I try to breathe. It comes and goes. I have had really bad indigestion all week too, so maybe that is part of it. I have had these pains before and lived through them.

The deep breathing isn't working. It is making me more and more anxious. So I am going to try something else.



Visualization. Dr. X taught me this, but I used top do a similar exercise. The one he taught me became much more three dimensional because I set out an entire relaxing "deserted island" that was full of everything I needed. I planned all the smells, the sights, sounds, even the way things would feel. Below are the original "plans" for my island. It was a great exercise to think of all the things I wanted on my island. I have made it more and more perfect over time.

If you click on the images I think you can read my lists ...if you can read my writing!

My island is surrounded by warm turquoise water full of all kinds of fish and sea life. (There are no sharks, or nothing that can hurt me in the water. In fact I can breathe under water in this world. I spend hours swimming underwater and the feeling of the temperate water washing across my skin as I glide through the water is euphoric. Every hair on my body feels the smooth water as it rushes across me. The rush of water across me fills me with life and joy.

Around the perimeter of my island there is fine warm sand. The temperature outside is a constant 25 degrees C (82 degrees F), not humid; a clean warm air. There is a slight breeze and like the feeling of the water rushing over me when I am in the ocean, here, on land, the breeze floats across my body, allowing me to remain perfectly warm, yet not hot. It mostly sunny during the day, but when it rains it is a quick burst of rain, a warm downpour that clears the air and soaks me and the island in warm water.

The sound of the water hitting the ocean is intoxicating. When it rains the smell of the island's inland soil soaking up the sudden rain is heavenly. Past the sand is a forest and the rain wakes with sounds of all kinds of animals, birds and insects. There is a path into the forest, and paths throughout the forest. There is nothing for me to fear on this island, but there are thousands of types of plants, animals, amphibians, insects, and birds.

When I am not in the water I am in the forest exploring. I am always awestruck by something I see in the nature on the island. Every time I go for a walk I see something worth remembering. I am well on this island: perfectly healthy mentally and physically.

Anyways, it goes on like that. It is relaxing, rewarding and exciting, yet safe. I kayak and windsurf and surf and swim and canoe, and explore caves, swim in the lake in the middle of the island, swim in the ocean, eat all kinds of fresh fruit found on the island.

The point of this exercise is to visualize myself doing a very detailed and specific task, or a particular area of exploration on the island. I am to imagine in infinite details the smells, sounds, sights, tastes, all the sensations I come across as I go on a hike, or a swim, or kayak etc. Usually if I really focus on this my anxiety attacks dissipate. Often when I do this I fall asleep .(definitely not recommended as something to do while you are driving.)

The point is to create an environment that has no stressors, only stress relievers; to walk yourself an extremely detailed and relaxing visualization exercise.

It's also fascinating frivolous fun fantasizing about the items that create, expand and initiate your sensory experiences too.

I kept my visualization clean for you, but let your imagination go wild. Release your inner self, let go, be free. It's your island. It can be anything you want it to be.