50 Things I Love

#50. I am absolutely fascinated with Nina Simone's sound. I am about to learn two more of her song's in my singing lessons.

This song: "Chauffer", sounds so sexy and the beat is so lively and uplifting. The other one I really really like is "Love Me or Leave Me", and I have been learning "Willow Weep for Me". I really LOVE her voice.

Anyways...my post today is going to be about "Things I love", because my mood is crashing once again and I am hoping I can stop the downward spiral by focusing on positive things in my life, rather than rant about how everything is going to shit once again. It's hard to say that, because over the past few weeks I was getting to feel so sure I was "cured"...well maybe not cured, but that I was coming out of this depression. Now I am back to feeling as though I will never stop cycling up and down. Very frustrating.

Anyways, enough venting my bad stuff and onto what I love in and about this life, and this world. Please note I may be a bit sexually explicit in my statements...because they are afterall my thoughts, so I am going to write what things I love and how I love things (Close your eyes if you don't want to read:>)

50 Things I Love in This World:

1. I love music...all kinds of music.
2. Right now I am particularly swept up by some women who sing Jazz and Blues...Nina Simone, Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and Eva Cassidy.
3. I am currently obsessed with 2 violin concerto's...Sibelius' Violin Concerto in D minor (Opus 47), and Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D (Opus 35)...The version I am really enjoying is a Deutch Grammophon recording/1993 of the Philharmonia Orchestra, Giuseppe Sinopoli Conducting and Gil Shaham as the principle violinist. Both pieces are extremely passionate. I feel full of life when listening to them.
4. I love Sergei Rachmaninoff''s Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 ...You cannot listen to it once or quietly...it is a big, grand, absolutely stunning piece of music. It needs to be played loud enough so your body can feel it.
5. I love the feeling during sex when it is that exact moment when a man first enters fully into me. That flash of heat I feel that comes in waves over my body and that moment when my breath is momentarily taken away. It is sublime.
6. I love a good red wine. It induces a feeling of well being in me after a couple glasses.
7. I love kissing. My husband isn't a kissing person...so I really, really miss kissing. I can get so turned on, just by kissing...or sometimes just by thinking about kissing.
8. I love singing. Dr. X told me singing can lift our mood; not just listening to music, but actually singing out loud. I know this is true. Last night I was so depressed, but I went to choir practice anyways...a few minutes of singing lifted me up while I was practicing.
9. I love sex dreams.
10. I love HaggenDazz's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Dynamo ice cream.
11. I love being told what to do during sex...in a "mock" master/servant kind of way. (...though if were real it would irritate me!)
12. I love swimming in tropical waters...the colour of the water is so enticing, the smell of the ocean inviting, and the life beneath the surface of the water so intriguing.
13. I love Tofino...Long Beach and Radar Hill. I love hiking down through the rainforest to the empty beach below..It feels like I am the only person on earth when I am down there. It is a peaceful solitude. I want my ashes spread in the water down there.
14. I love sitting in the chair across from Dr. X. There is some kind of calming energy in his office. I am certain it is him.
15. I love the smell of a man who has just showered.
16. I love the smell of the soil on the days in the spring when the soil warms up just enough to emit a slightly damp, soil smell. I often walk around the farm taking deep, deep breathes of the smell hoping to hold onto it forever.
17. I love my four little nieces. They are the most adorable people on earth. I feel blessed to be their Aunt. I would die for them. I will live for them.
18. I love both my sisters to infinity and beyond. They are my soul sisters. I would do anything for them.
19. I love a good foreign film. I am in awe of different ways of life, different cultures, mores, religions, belief systems and perspectives. I find foreign films allow me to see into a culture from so many different perspectives.
20. I love black humour and dark subject matter in books and films.
21. I love going out for dinner.
22. I love going out for pancakes, maple syrup and eggs and bacon for breakfast.
23. I love Thai food.
24. I love Chinese food.
25. I love Vietnamese food
26. I love Sushi.
27. I love a good steakhouse.
28. I love Caesar salads
29. I love Halibut.
30. I love the spicy, salty prawns my husband cooks.
31. Actually I like everything my husband cooks. He's a great cook.
32. I love it when my husband and I role play during sex...especially when he "forces" me to be quiet.
33. I might as well just say the obvious...I LOVE SEX...in all its wondrous forms.
34. I love that I am open about and love sex.
35. I am happy I experimented sexually with many people, men and women, before I got married...I enjoyed it all.
36. I love that I had the mom I did. I will always love and respect her.
37. I love helping others.
38. I love that, despite my illness, I manage to volunteer helping others. It gives me a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...even when I am depressed.
39. I love sleeping in the afternoon. I usually am exhausted by 2 or 3 PM and need a nap. I used to feel so guilty about giving in to my fatigue and napping. I have changed my mind and have decided if a nap in the afternoon is what I need to feel better in the morning and at night...I will enjoy the naps I have...and dump the guilt.
40. I love it when I sleep through the night.
41. I love to walk along the river's edge on a warm sunny day.
42. I love a quiet visit with each of my friends.
43. I love many of the members at the Art clubhouse I go to. It feels good to be understood.
44. I love talking with Dr. X. He seems to really understand me at a deep level. I love how non-judgemental he is. I love how open-minded he is about all kinds of things. I believe he is the best psychiatrist for me. He has stuck by me through such a long and difficult time, and I believe he is helping me become a better person; the person I always wanted to be. Even if I remain cycling between depression and my high moods, I feel he is helping me accept and manage my life with those moods and my symptoms, while always looking for a way to better treat my symptoms. I think many doctors would have given up on me, or told me there is no hope. I am thankful he is not the kind of person to give up.
45. I love my husband. I know I whine sometimes, but I am married for life and I care for him.
46. I love wearing dresses and slip on high wedges or heels...I used to wear them a lot...haven't for a while. I am going to start again.
47. I love driving my new car. I know it isn't very environmentally friendly to say I like to drive...but I do. I love that my car is my space. I love to crank the music really loud. I like having the freedom I do when I drive. Before anyone gives me hell for driving...I have to drive because there are no buses where I live (I am a country girl). If I lived in the city I'd take the bus....but I'd still love to drive now and then. Also, my car is fuel efficient...That is why I bought a new car.
48. I absolutely adore my 8 mos old puppy; even if he has eaten and/or destroyed 3 pairs of eyeglasses, 2 large dog beds, numerous pairs of my shoes...only mine for some reason, a sex toy and pretty much anything left laying around. Despite all this "childish" behaviour he is so squeezable, lovable, loving, funny and did I say adorable? He is cute and makes me laugh at least once everyday. He gets me outside a few times a day too.
49. I love creating art; painting, drawing, mixed media and collage, printmaking, pottery, singing...I am a creative soul. I am so glad I found out how much I enjoyed art, and that I have a knack for it. What a blessing.
50. I love Nina Simone's voice and the songs she sings.

Who AM I?

Today has been a strange day. I have felt my mood going all over the map, from feeling joyously happy, to grieving the loss of, and missing, my Mom (I felt her near me, and had reminders announcing themselves to me, all day today...it began to feel eerie and frightening...like I was having a premonition).

I was very anxious most of the day; so anxious I could not breathe properly most of the time. Even when I felt joyous, I was also feeling really, really agitated, or intensely filled with energy.

I felt paranoid I am being spied on numerous times today. I feel lonely; alone, uncared for. Some moments during the day I felt relief I have been feeling better. Some moments I felt the fear that tells me I am slipping into my old ways.

When I say I feel agitated/energetic it is hard to tell which it is. I feel compelled to move, to tap my fingers, to tap my fit, to move my toes, to squirm and fidget. There is some force inside me pushing me to constantly have some part of my body tapping out rhythms at a quick pace. Drumming, tapping, tapping, drumming, squirming, swaying, knees moving up and down...annoying, but I can't seem to stop. I feel wired in the mornings and early afternoon and tired in the late afternoon.

All day I was "obsessively" singing. I say obsessively because I couldn't stop. I kept having a song go through my head, and felt compelled to sing it, over and over and over and over and over...ad infinitum. "Willow weep for me, willow weep for me, bend your branches green into the stream and cover me, listen to my plea, listen O willow and weep for me." I kept singing those lines over and over all day. No matter that I wanted to stop, it was like I was stuck on repeat. This seems similar to when music was stuck in my head before when I first began Prozac.

Then I have a strange noises in my ear/s. It's hard to describe. sort of a crinkly, tinny, sharp sound that happens beats or clicks loudly for a few seconds then disappears. It is happening in my left ear, but I think I heard a similar sound in my other ear yesterday...but maybe I am mistaken and it was the same ear. Its really high pitched. Almost like a crickety sound. It scares me when it happens, because it seems like it might stay, or not go away.

Speaking of going away...I feel lonely, not because I am literally alone as my husband is away for the week. I feel lonely and alone because he's been gone since Saturday and he hasn't called me. I am not really one to talk too much on the phone, or even to expect my husband to call me, but for some reason his not calling makes me feel unimportant. When I go away for a week I usually call for a few minutes every few days, just to tell him I love him and am thinking of him. I think there is something about not having that kindness returned that is urksome. Is it too controlling of me to want a call from him when it's only a week?

Sad thing is I am actually glad he is away. The break is good for me. So not sure why I care if he calls. It is amazing how self sufficient I am when I'm by myself. Without him telling me I'm a loser all the time, without him pointing out all the mistakes I make and all the things I don't do well, without him trying to control my every move consciously, or unconsciously, without him trying to force me to do the things he wants done, I begin to feel I actually CAN do things, and AM good at things.

So...happy to sad, to grieving, to anxious and so agitated I can't stop moving, to angry and frustrated and lonely...to okay again. My mood is as labile and unpredictable as the weather in the city where I live. Who am I? What do I feel?

Nevertheless

Wow, I really am "on". I have felt so good the past few weeks I am beginning to feel like maybe, just maybe I am beginning to heal. I am super energetic and driven much of the day. Driven, is an understatement. I am so enthusiastic and energized much of the day, that I feel wired for sound...revved up, speedy, high on something. Unfortunately, this is leading to my maybe overdoing life, planning and doing too many things, which I can see may be leading to my becoming sickly exhausted later in the afternoon. I am trying to accept my afternoon exhaustion and do all the things I want to do anyways. The past few weeks I have set up so many incredible things in my life.

My singing lessons and choir are unbelievably good for me. In fact, they are so joyous and soul defining for me that I wonder if it is the singing that is making me feel so high. Something about singing fills me with passion and lust for life. The more I sing, the happier I become. I feel like a bird in the springtime, compelled to sing my song loud to the world.

While I am singing I feel so intensely happy it is beyond words. Sometimes I am quiet in my song at choir or in my lessons, because I fear making a mistake, or embarrassing myself. However, when I loosen up and let my voice loose I have an incredibly powerful and beautiful voice. My song is nowhere near as gorgeous if I try to hold back. I need to remember that.



Yesterday in my singing lesson I learned a new Jazz song: "Nevertheless". My version is better than this version, but you get the idea of the song. I sing it with a bit more punctuation on some of the words and a slower sexier feel. It is so sexy and sultry. I feel like I am myself when I'm singing it.

We also transposed "Bluemoon" into a lower key and it is much more sensual and alluring. I love it. We did the same with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", changing it to Eva Cassidy's version, which is lower and has quite a different feel to it. Oh, I love it soooo much. I am learning the intro to it too, something I have never heard before.

As I left my lesson yesterday my voice instructor expressed to me that I was learning the songs, and able to improvise interesting takes on the songs, extremely quickly. I felt really good when she said this because in my pdoc appt yesterday morning I was stressing about my difficulty remembering songs. It seems it is the words I am struggling with, not the melodies. The music seems to latch onto my brain more easily than the words. Not sure why. I learned "Nevertheless"in two tries and it sounds amazing. Of course I need more practice, but I know how I want to sing it and it sounds pretty good already.

This high feeling, intensified, and perhaps bred by music, reminds me of the times I feel really well. When well I sing all the time. When well I sing in the streets, in the shower, when I'm with people, when I'm out and about doing my daily tasks, when painting, when teaching, when driving. I sing unselfconsciously and joyously. I don't care who is listening. Thanks Dr. X for the encouragement in our session yesterday. It helped me address my fear in the moment.

I feel I am close to attaining unselfconscious joy right now. In fact my instructor's son came home part way through the session and was going to leave...and I said, "no stay. It doesn't matter to me if you are here while I am singing". That is a monstrously huge step towards letting go of my fear.