Thursday, July 16, 2009

All and Nothing

Today was one of those therapy sessions that was all over the map, covering everything and nothing at the same time:
  • How much I am drinking,
  • Why I am drinking more,
  • My mood is lifting
  • My mood is down
  • I am detached
  • I am tired all the time
  • I am having trouble doing things
  • My attempts to catch at reverse my feelings of being watched and judged,
  • My feelings of paranoia about my landlord
  • My inability to successfully stop my paranoid thoughts
  • My extreme worry (read major anxiety attacks) about my application for separation and divorce from my husband; my husband wants a detailed ironclad agreement between us, meaning I have to provide statements, tax info, asset info ( the list is 3 pages long)...This kind of scrutiny and information gathering is intensely disturbing and difficult for me to manage,
  • That I had unprotected (no birth control) sex twice this week despite having had a birth control failure the week before last and knowing exactly how stressed out I get about the chances of getting pregnant,
  • Why I had unprotected sex despite having had...blah, blah, blah,
  • How I am making poor judgements
  • How only the birth control write off an example of poor judgement
  • I had two dreams,
  • What I thought the dreams meant,

And then finally..about 7 minutes before I have to leave Dr. X's office, what is really bothering me comes up: Am I going to be able to work again?

Shoot me now, but I cannot manage my life with the uncertainty of not knowing what I am or am not going to be capable of . On one level I recognize Dr. X is not a "mind reader" ha, ha...but on another level I want to know, at the very least, the odds of my being employable again.

What got me thinking about this again is my boyfriend. He has a M.I. too and has been chronically ill since he was very young. I asked him if he ever thought he would ever be well enough to be off disability. He just, matter of factly said , '"No".

I then asked him if it bothered him and he said, "No", I have accepted that I can only do what I can. I work when I can and don't when I can't.

In many ways I see how his knowledge of the incapacitating nature of his illness protects him from the type of feverish get back to work type schemes I come up volunteering even if I am really sick, and being unable to say no to teaching, panicing about not working/not being able tpo work etc.

On the other hand I worry that if I were like that it would be a kind of complacency that would make me give up life all together. What am I if I am not a worker? My whole life (until I got so sick) I was a worker.

Dr. X enthusiastically explained (once again) that I am working...but he knows, and I know it is not the way I mean. I mean getting off disability contributing to the social well being of our country and fending for myself.

He says I am contributing to the country and community. He says all the people I teach art to are benefiting from my volunteer work. He says if he was working for the insurance company he would be proud to see someone the company is helping, do as much for the community as I was.

I just sat there protesting and bawling. I feel so much like I have failed; like I am a failure. Like I will never get better, never get well enough. I left his office sobbing and went into the washroom and cried. I just want to know what to expect for my future.


EJA said...

I don't know what to say... except that I'm sorry that you are feeling so frustrated.

It is frustrating not knowing what to expect in the future. I think that it is this way with any chronic illness.

But you've written before about how unhealthy your past job was, e.g. the kind of mind games that were played as far as job security etc is concerned. Do you want to return to your old job, or are you just anxious about not earning money? Your old job does not sound like a healthy place to be.

xthedestroyer said...

You are not a nobody. Someone who cares enough to teach, to touch another's life through enlighment is never a nobody. You just happen to be afflited with doubt about being loved both in this life and when you pass this life. But it seems you are. A boyfriend, a psychiatrist who seems to genuinely care and the myriad of kind and supportive words here. You are not are loved and therefore your life has meaning to those who care.

Aqua said...

EJA and xthedestroyer,
Thank you for the comments. (I cried)...your comments were so heartfelt and kind.
Take care,