Throughout the day on Thursday I made myself crawl into bed both to protect myself and to relieve the intense fatigue and anxiety (is it possible to feel both???) I was feeling. By the evening I was spiraling into such brutal suicidal thoughts that I didn't think I was going to manage to survive them.
Nothing happened between 11pm Thursday and 3am Friday. I had not read my blog and the supportive comments on there. I simply had switched into an okay mood; not high, but okay.
I do not get it. How am I supposed to work on changing myself to help my mood, when it really appears "I" have no say in the mood I have any given day? If I have no control over what affects my mood, why even bother with therapy, or trying to change, or doing any of the things to help myself change?
For me, mood changes appear to be random. Is that strange? Do other's moods switch in a similar manner? Am I the only one who has this experience? It is disconcerting to have such little control over one's self.