Sunday, July 26, 2009

Random Shapeshifting

I have been trying hard to figure out what happened to me on Thursday (and the few days prior). Thursday though seemed to be the day I was pretty sure I couldn't go on. Why then, did I wake at 3am on Friday in a completely different mood state?

Throughout the day on Thursday I made myself crawl into bed both to protect myself and to relieve the intense fatigue and anxiety (is it possible to feel both???) I was feeling. By the evening I was spiraling into such brutal suicidal thoughts that I didn't think I was going to manage to survive them.

Nothing happened between 11pm Thursday and 3am Friday. I had not read my blog and the supportive comments on there. I simply had switched into an okay mood; not high, but okay.

I do not get it. How am I supposed to work on changing myself to help my mood, when it really appears "I" have no say in the mood I have any given day? If I have no control over what affects my mood, why even bother with therapy, or trying to change, or doing any of the things to help myself change?

For me, mood changes appear to be random. Is that strange? Do other's moods switch in a similar manner? Am I the only one who has this experience? It is disconcerting to have such little control over one's self.


Eliza Jane said...
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xthedestroyer said...

Poor thing. Sounds to me like it is a struggle within your mind of happiness vs what you have been so used to for so long. Its is a difficult thing to try and be happy when you have been mired in sadness for so damn long. Like your brain is rebelling against the thought of actually changing. A few months back, when things were going very well for me, I had experienced the same type of wildly random mood swings. I had no reason whatsoever to be unhappy, yet my mind had been so acclimated to being miserable, I would inevitably and randomly swing into those times of deep despair. And whilst I can't say that happens now, just totally depressed and miserable all the time now, heh, at least its one mood, I can say I do know how crazy that drives a person. But you still seem to be improving bit by bit Aqua. You keep hanging in there. I have a feeling that you are going to get better, its just that your mind is really combatting you right now. Don't let it win. You're stronger than that. Take care...

Harriet said...

My moods are pretty consistent. Not always good or always bad, they do change, but not dramatically or for no reason. I'm usually in a bad/sad mood in the mornings.

Have you been diagnosed with a mood disorder? You are correct that you have no control over what affects your moods - no one does though. What therapy does is to help you control your moods once they have been affected.

It's really really hard though. I know the other day I was furious at my daughter. I had a frustrating experience at the cell phone store, I hadn't eaten in a few hours and I was hungry, and my daughter made me mad. The combination put me in a rage. I was driving and it took all of my power to focus and stay in the moment. I kept reverting back to picturing the things I would do when I got home - i.e.; throw her groceries in her face, but I forced myself to stop those thoughts and stay in the moment. The driving and the music helped too.

By the time I got home I was calmer. But it was so difficult and it makes me angry that I have to work so hard sometimes to control myself.

Hannah said...

hey there Aqua, happens to me honey and no matter how much I try there are times when I simply have no control - it's the really frightening part in all of this.
all I do these days is steady myself to ride the storm - it's all I can do to keep my head above the water sometimes.
my sincerest sympathy,

Hann xxx

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I feel the same way. The meds help but I still feel like I'm drowning and thus dying but drowning slower.
It makes me wonder what is me and what is the illness?