It Hurts

I cried myself to sleep last night. This week has been like that. I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility to get better, to help myself, and to move on in my life.

I feel like I think I try hard, but really I do not. I vegetate at home a lot. I stare at the wall half the day and wish I could change. That is getting me nowhere. This life is no life at all. It is hell.

Yesterday afternoon I had a short period of hope, that if I could manage to do all the things I enjoyed, or all the things I wanted to do, if I just did all the things that made me happy, I would become happy. Just the thinking about how to get myself, how to force myself, how to push myself to do, instead of just think about doing, exhausted and overwhelmed me. I feel useless, hopeless, helpless. Completely lost.

Last night I opened up the bag with all my hoarded medications. I want so badly to end this life. I wrote my sisters a note a few days ago. As I sat staring at all the medicine I tried to figure out how to exit and make sure my dog is okay. That, and the fact that I don't even have the energy to kill myself, is the only thing that stopped me. How sad...that besides my dog, my low energy and inability to do, is the only thing saving me.

It's because he's on a leash...

God some people irritate the hell out of me.

Scenario: Me and my dog at the off leash dog park. I have left the leash on my dog as he plays, because if I don't I cannot catch him when we need to leave. I'm using it as a training tool.

A pitbull begins playing really rough with my dog. I understand the "establishing dominance" theory, and that some dog play is pretty rough. I watch and it gets too rough. The Pitbull's owner says it's okay, the dog won't hurt my dog, but I see the pitbull hanging onto and pulling at my dog's lips and soft areas of his skin. I intervene. The owner gets huffy.

After a short time out I release my dog again, this time the pitbull and two other big dogs gang up on him. This sometimes happens when too many dogs get too rambunctious together (sort of frenzied behaviour).

My dog is tired and I see the play is getting out of control. I step in again and pull my dog up and out of the frenzy. I hold my dog close to me in a heeling position, but the dogs continue to attack and now even more aggressively than before. None of the owners pull their dogs off.

The pitbull's owner yells at me: It's the leash. They are attacking because the dog is on a leash. Remove the leash!

WTF? I don't give a shit if that is true (that dogs attack dogs on a leash). As an owner, even in an off leash park, it is your responsibility to control your dog and ensure it does not hurt another dog or person.

The idiocy and of the owner continuously reprimanding me for having a leash on my dog, and then having the gall to suggest I was responsible for her dog's viciousness because of the leash, irritates me so much I can't stop thinking about it.

...I fucking hate people sometimes. It seems too many people have, lost their ability to be neighbourly, thoughtful and responsible.

Why does it keep playing through my mind and making me more and more and more irritable? I was irritable all day today and yesterday and the day before. Every little thing is angering me and setting me off. I have that sense of heartburn in my chest because the anger has become a very physical symptom...I feel on edge, easily annoyed, overly sensitive to even small injustices. I hate this feeling

Mud on My Face...Literally!

(Do not be fooled by his cute silliness...he is a little devil)
I have become the dog owner I never wanted to be....argh! I went for a "nice leisurely walk" with a friend today. My lovely 55lb "puppy" tried to drag me all over the place. Since I have been taking him to the dog park, and trying to get him socialized with other dogs, he has began to be completely out of control.

I am not saying he isn't friendly, he is adorable and friendly to everyone and every dog he meets. He loves to frolic and run, and run and run (did I say run?) with all the other dogs...even the teeny weeny ones. We came across a 2.5lb teacup something or other puppy yesterday. The puppy could barely climb out of the deep, frozen shoe prints in the snow that still lays in the dog park yesterday. Not my cup 'o' tea, but a cute puppy nonetheless. The owner said it would grow to 5lbs as an adult. My cat is 3 times that size...too funny. My puppy played so gently with this tiny pup, so he is good with other dogs but...

...try to get him to come to me when he is out frolicking with his own kind...HA! It just is not happening. He is a social butterfly, flitting from dog to dog to dog. Yesterday I spent much of my time trying to "catch" him...he simply had no interest in me whatsoever. I felt like the kind of dog owner I would be annoyed by. He comes fine at home, but I really need to work on this when we are out.

Today when I was out with my friend he pulled and pulled on the leash. He almost pulled me over a few times. This is not good. How the hell will I manage to keep him beside me when he's 80 or 90lbs...which he will be. There was a boxer 3 months older than him at the park and Skookum at 7 months is bigger than that dog...a lot bigger.

I came home and took him for a walk around the farm, when suddenly the neighbours chow/lab cross showed up on the other side of one of the large drainage ditches. Skookum leapt across the ditch like a deer and took off after the neighbour's dog. Both of them jumped across and even bigger ditch between our properties and were running like antelope all over the neighbour's yard. I kept calling my dog, but it was as though he couldn't hear me. So I began climbing across the ditch and slipped and fell into the muddy, slimy ditch. I climbed out wet angry and covered from head to toe in mud.

Worst part is I recked my brand new glasses (yes this is my second pair in less than 2 months I have had recked) either directly by the dog, or indirectly while chasing the dog. My last pair were $180.00 glasses (which is bad enough). This second pair are graduated lenses and cost me $580.00 and now one of the lenses has two huge scratches across it....GRRRRRR!

Anyways, I climbed out of the ditch, dripping in mud and getting angrier by the second. Finally I was able to corner my dog on the neighbours deck and I began walking home out their driveway. I gave him a bit of a tug and spoke bruskly to him about my irritation. He looked up at me, and, as if to say..."F#$@ you!", he backed out of his collar and ran onto the busy road.

I thought I was going to be sick. I ran after him just in time to stop all the cars going both ways. Thank god no cars were there when he ran onto the road. People waited for me to coax him back to me and I managed to get the collar on again and head back home.

I am still freaked out by him going onto the road, because it is like a small highway this time of day, with cars bypassing the tunnel traffic by racing down our road. I need to take him to obedience lessons ASAP. I would have died if something happened to him. The broken glasses are nothing compared to how important he is to me.

I may not post over the next week as I have company visiting from Toronto (brother and sister-in law)...Hope everyone has a great week.