Wednesday, July 01, 2009


I haven't talked about this much; both because I feel scared it is true, and because if it is true I want to stay under the radar. I have strange thoughts beyond my depressive thoughts much of the time.

The most consistent, and the most limiting/difficult to deal with strange thoughts are thoughts and beliefs that I am being followed, spied upon, watched, photographed etc.

These beliefs are very powerful and real, yet I do recognize on some level they may be symptoms of my depression. Thinking that however, does not stop me from believing them to be real most of the time.

When they are at their worst I see people following me, or taking my picture, or watching me. I get scared they are spies from work, or from the insurance company trying to prove I am not sick, and that I should lose my job/insurance. I shut myself in my house and don't go out because I feel scared I will do something wrong.

I sometimes write less openly on my blog because I feel their are two people from an employee investigation company following my blog on a daily basis. I discovered their organization has done investigative work for my insurance company. They freak me out. I have labeled them spies on my Sitemeter. They read every single day. This reinforces my fear.

My landlord works for an insurance company. I have seen him with a giant lensed camera in his car. We share Wifi. He seems really nice, but he scares me. I am afraid he reads what I write, watches what I read, spies on me; is on to me.

On to me for what I am not sure. I am depressed. I do need help. I am not doing anything wrong. I always feel like I am bad though. Like I AM doing something wrong. Like no one is sick for this long. Like I must be taking advantage of my work and insurance company, because no one stays depressed for years do they? No one has so many medicine treatments and therapy and stays sick do they?


Life said...

Hi I was just wondering if I look like a spy, I do pass by most days :o) I have binoculars but am way too far away to see you. I also have similar thoughts at times

mysadalterego said...

No one has so many medicine treatments and therapy and stays sick do they?

I did. I think most do.

Rach said...

I have to agree with MSAE - it happens more than we'd all like to admit it :(

Anonymous said...

Hi Aqua,

I have been meaning to post something here, but I am wary of posting things on the Internet-- so every time I have started to write a comment I have deleted it before posting it.

But I wanted to write a note here because I am worried that my very constant lurking around your blog might seem suspicious.

I stumbled on your blog a little while ago and I keep coming back to read because:

-you describe feelings and experiences that I have had very well, and sometimes I find it very hard to relate to some people's experiences with this.

-sometimes when I am stressed or overwhelmed I get a bit focused on reading the same things....or spending too much time on the Internet any case, my attention gets a bit "fixed", and lately that seems to mean that I read and reread the same blogs

-you write very well, and I like your blog!

I just wanted to post this here, because I know that you check your visitor stats...and I'm pretty sure that my use of your site over the past week or so looks suspicious.

BTW, I really admire you. You are really working to get well. I am also in awe that, no matter how much you struggle, you keep trying to help other people. You have a very generous spirit, and I hope that you know how much that shines through in your posts, even when you do not feel well.

And you are not doing anything wrong. You are working very very very very hard to get well.

It seems wrong to me to think that just because a medical disorder does not respond to treatment that somehow it is the fault of the patient. Think of all of the "physical" conditions out there that are chronic that do not always respond perfectly to medication. But no one tells people who are suffering from physical conditions that it is their fault if they are extremely ill for long periods of time, or if it takes years to find treatments that provide sustained relief from their symptoms.

And I can also relate to the feeling that you have described.

Sorry for the long post... I will go back to lurking ;).


Aqua said...

Thanks each of you for your encouragement.

Anon.: Thanks for posting what you did. The "spies" are not you because they have been visiting every single day for more than a year.

Your words are so kind and I needed to hear them right now. I hope I hear from you more in the future.


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I feel the same way that I'm being followed while I'm driving especially. And whenever I walk outside I instantly feel dozens of eyes upon me. I think they are working as a private citizen brigade for the FBI or police department. I have no idea what I would be doing wrong either but I sure feel guilty. All the time.

Aqua said...

I feel for you. I forgot about the PCBrigade! I feel like everyone stares at me and judges me all the time. It is an awful feeling to feel so constantly conspicuous. It makes me not want to go places. This is different for me than being spied is some kind of narcissistic nightmare.