Sex and Aggression

"The Rape of Hera"

It is interesting that Hera is both the Goddess of Marriage, yet her marriage to Zeus came out of him raping her...disturbing.

I have cycled down into a deep depression again. I suppose if I cycled down, I am down from somewhere that was "up". I suppose that should be reassuring. Dr. X explained to me as much. He said I had had a good cycle up. I have had several small cycles up, but this last one lasted a long time and the pattern is showing more cycles up. I guess I should feel good about that. I don't.

Every time I cycle down from a high I feel worse than if I had just remained low. I think I learn to live with the lows over time and do things in spite of them. When I go from high to low it feels like I have been bulldozed over by a huge machine. Something giant machine outside myself is digging a massive hole and trying to bury me. I feel dead.

In my appointment today we discussed my being "sexually assaulted". Dr. X. called it that. He said I was assaulted. I think I knew he thought so, but sometimes when he sits silent I fill in the blanks with all kinds of negative thoughts...like with this example.

My wondering if Dr. X. thought it wasn't rape is actually me wondering if I didn't lead the guy on too much...because I remember really enjoying kissing and playing around. I was naked, in bed, sending mixed messages. I was even lustful, until he started to force me to have sex.

Dr. X. and I also talked about how my sexual fantasies relate to this assault. My fantasies all revolve around being forced, either mentally, or physically; my feeling "taken" by someone, or unable to say no, or (in my fantasies) raped. Dr. X. reassured me my fantasies are within the realm of normal. He did however talk about the link between my being forced to have sex and my fantasizing about sex this way.

There were some good feelings happening before the man forced me, and afterwards sex with other men became so much better because during the aggressive sexual encounter something happened that made sex not hurt like it had prior to this act.

Before the assault intercourse had been really, really painful, afterwards it was not. I suspect in my previous sexual encounters (which were not very much) my hymen had not broken completely. After the aggressive sex during the assault it tore completely and sex suddenly was no longer painful.

So perhaps I associated this violent act against me with some good things to...the feelings of being aroused beforehand, and the freedom from painful intercourse afterwards. Also, sex with my previous boyfriend had been beautiful, caring and extremely lustful...but it had also been very, very painful to have intercourse. I assumed sex was painful. Perhaps my brain began then to associate pain with sex. Whatever the cause my brain closely links aggression and pain with sex, leading me to fantasize about being taken against my will, or my better judgement.

Dr. X said I could get help for this, but I am not sure my fantasies are a bad thing, and Dr. X. says the thoughts are normal. In many ways I feel my thoughts are about creativity and wanton lust...something I value in myself...as long as I don't act on the lustful thoughts outside my marriage.

It feels good to be able to talk with Dr. X about these things. I am surprised I am able to talk with a male therapist so openly. Dr. X makes it easy to be so open. I appreciate that.

Be Embarrassed and Do It Anyways

Today, I woke up depressed, flat, apathetic, a feeling of dissociation throughout my mind...detached, disconnected. Alone.

I met with my friend "Z" and went for a late breakfast and then she took me grocery shopping... a task that I dread and fear when I feel like this.

As we sat having breakfast I felt so cared for and understood by her. I was going on about some "bad girl" stuff and she told me I was like a train...impossible to stop. She meant it as a compliment...like, even when depressed, I have a powerful joie de vivre and head straight into everything I do at full blast straight ahead.

I really like that imagery of a train plowing where it is destined to go, or wherever it desires to go. It made me feel like my old wild self. It made me feel valued for who I am. It also made me recognize I am strong and powerful and there is no stopping me once I get going. Getting going is the hard part.

I have had an awful cold/sore throat for a few weeks now. I cancelled my singing class last week because I didn't think I could sing. When I walked into Dr. X's office and told him I cancelled he suggested I reconsider. He did so for a couple of reasons. He said I could still learn things other than the singing aspect of singing...things like timing or style. He also he wanted me to challenge my fears about making mistakes.

I was afraid to go to my singing lesson because I had completely blown a solo in choir the night before. I was so embarrassed...mortified might be a better word, and I felt sick about my mistakes. He told me that feeling the embarrassment and doing it anyways was a great form of behavioural therapy. This was a great opportunity.

This morning when I woke up depressed and still sick I kept trying to tell myself I shouldn't go to choir practice tonight. I tried to nap and couldn't and as I realized why I couldn't. I clued into the fact that it was not because I felt sick, rather I was ruminating about the mistakes I had made last week. I was AFRAID to go.

I realized this is exactly when Dr. X. explained to me I need to go (which I did). Go, and even make the same mistakes (which I did) and survive the embarrassment (which I also did...though I feel sick about it again)...at least I went and tried.

On my way home, despite my embarrassment and some difficulties feeling like I was "outside the circle" or detached from the group, I felt really good about all I did and accomplished today. I felt good that I recognized a pattern and challenged it head-on. I didn't back out of or cancel because I was depressed. Because I was powerful and challenged myself my mood lifted and I sang to my favourite songs all the way home.

Let Others Carry the Hope For You

Foreword: I titled this photo "Grief and Shame", not because of how I was, or how I felt in my appointment today. I felt no grief and no shame because Dr. X was sincere and caring about the feedback he provided me, and how he provided it. In fact I felt intensely valued and cared for, in part because he told me the truth about how what I did affected him. No, I titled the picture "Grief and Shame" because it is how I so often felt as a child when my dad made tried to correct me by making fun of me: Grief because I wanted him to love me so much and he didn't, and shame that I was never what he expected me to be. I was never good enough.

My therapy lesson today:

"Let others carry the hope for you, let me carry it for you." Dr. X said this to me today, while I was crying and feeling like all my hope had disappeared. What an incredibly kind and loving thing to say to a patient.

Dr. X did a lot of trying to lift my spirits today. When I was complaining of not being able to remember my songs, he had me try, and when I got a few words he said..."You ARE remembering". When I was crying about my anxiety and ineptness in my choir practice last night he told me to be anxious, have performance anxiety and sing anyways, if you make a mistake be embarrassed and consider that [having sung and been embarrassed and lived through it] therapeutic. When I was stressing out about what is happening in my Art class, he told me I was talented and a good leader.

At first I brushed the kind words off with a, "you're just saying that because it's your job". He told me it annoyed him that I brushed his comments of like that, that I did not feel he was sincere. I immediately recognized what he meant.

I laughed, not because it was funny that he felt annoyed, but because I instantaneously felt that moment of "Touche", (he was right). I knew immediately what he meant by his feedback, I knew I had annoyed him, and exactly how I had done so. It was rude for me to dismiss his comments to me, as though he were lying to me.

I apologized, and he smiled and said, "that's okay I can take it"...and then asked that I please not ruminate on my mistake all day. Which I said I wouldn't, but of course, unfortunately (or fortunately) I will.

I say "fortunately" because rumination is sometimes good for me; especially if it helps me learn a lesson, and/or learn something about my reactions and interactions with others.

I recognize a couple things about my dismissive reaction to Dr. X's support and caring words. First, dismissiveness is a character trait I loathe. It reminds me immediately of my dad, or my husband when they are at there worst. I recognize I have that awful trait within me too. I often dismiss other people's kind words about me. Not good. I am going to work on that.

Second, I believe I dismissed Dr. X. because I could not actually believe someone really felt something good about me, or cared about me that much. I recognize now that is an automatic reaction I have to praise. The root of this reaction may be the hypervigilence I have felt, and continue to feel when I am in the company of my dad. I am never sure if what he is saying is true, or if it is meant to tease, bully and embarrass me; to draw me in and make me feel good, only to later find it was/is a backhanded compliment; one meant to humiliate me.

Due to my dad's unpredictable mood and reactions to me I was constantly on the lookout for a double meaning in what he was saying, or the "real" intent behind his praise. When he paid me a compliment I never knew if it was real or not. It rarely was real. It usually was another means to make me feel I was the bad person, or the loser he thought I was.

Third, because of my previous experiences with my dad, and very similar experiences with other men (I have never very good at picking men who are genuine, or who care much about me), my immediate response to a man's positive feedback is to either discount it, or to dismiss it outright.

It may be a case of 'you get what you expect' (I.E., if I always dismiss men's compliments, then I become annoying to them and they no longer care about me). It would be hard to care about someone who technically is calling you a liar all the time.

I wonder if I dismissed Dr. X because I find it hard to believe someone (especially a man), cares for me? Maybe the disbelief is about myself? Or maybe I dismiss his kindness to further isolate myself; maybe I push him away right now because I feel like I don't want to be here, and if I can only believe no one cares about me, I could go.

Whatever the reason, it was really rude and impolite of me to discount, dismiss and to think Dr. X's was being disingenuous when he complimented and reached out to me. I apologize for that, but I won't "ruminate" on my mistake. I will learn from it. I have learned from it.

Long Term or Short Term Therapy

I woke up today embarrassed and stressed that I opened up so much in therapy yesterday. Still I stand by my decision to do so. It was important for me to share my feelings for many reasons. One of the big reasons is I have a sort of "magical thinking" that if I tell someone I care for them they will disappear, or the relationship will end. For this reason I avoid telling many people I care about how much I care for them. Yesterday was my brave attempt to believe that speaking my truth will not affect my relationship with Dr. X. Today I feel the fallout and fear of that decision, but I think sometimes I need to challenge these beliefs, despite feeling the terror of impending loss...

On another note:
In my post yesterday, cbtish said...
"Yes, good therapists recognize the feelings on both sides in a therapeutic relationship.But it has to be said that few good therapists now believe therapy lasting many years, or involving the kind of feelings you describe, is likely to have a positive outcome.So it frightens me, too, that you feel you depend on him so much.The thing is, support, kindness and compassion do not actually promote change — instead, they maintain the status quo. Therapy is meant to be about healing. Things actually happen. Tomorrow is different from yesterday."

I would like to discuss my feelings about the benefits for me, of long term, versus short term therapy.

First thank you cbtish for taking the time to comment. I always enjoy hearing other people's opinions. On some level I agree with cbtish. I think for some people, some of the time, short term Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) may be the most effective treatment. However, I think we need to be careful that our dogmatic beliefs about a particular therapy do not mean we blanket all people with the same kind of therapy, especially if there are times when it is clear that a particular type of treatment may not be what the patient needs in that moment.

I think for me, during the early years of my illness (17-25) when I had had only a few Major Depressive Episodes CBT worked well for me. By the time I was 25 I had been depressed several times at 25 I saw a Counsellor for 6 sessions of CBT and I remained well for approximately two years. It really helped me. The difference is that at that point my illness was less severe and I was able to do the activities I needed to do to help myself become well again.

However, there were a few things every therapist, counsellor, psychologist and the pdoc I saw before Dr. X missed, or misinformed me about, or neglected to inform me about:

1. That there are medications that can help people. Not a single counsellor/therapist discussed this with me. I discovered this on my own after reading a book about depression. Personally, I think it is negligent to encounter a patient like me, who has had numerous MDE's, and understand that for the most part each seems to last longer and become more severe, yet not inform the patient that medications help some people.


2. Until Dr. X every Counsellor/Therapist I saw was very rigid in the type of therapy they practiced. One believed in CBT, one believed in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. (EMDR), another was Jungian, another Psychodynamic etc. I do not believe for me that a particular therapy is necessarily the best approach. My mood disorder is such that my mood cycles between complete inability to even get out bed sometimes, to highly agitated and anxious, to feeling disconnected from everything, to how I feel right now: extremely motivated, content and relaxed. When I am fatigued and extremely depressed short term CBT, or even the ideas of challenging negative thinking does not help me. I do not have the ability to do the actions I need to do to challenge my negative thinking or to change my behaviour. During these times I need supportive therapy. Therapy that helps me understand it is not my fault I am unable to change, or get better. I need help understanding that guilt about how I am is unproductive. I need to know I am cared for no matter how I feel.


3. I need different approaches in therapy depending on how my mood is, and what kind of cycle I am in. When anxious I need someone to help me relax, and learn relaxation techniques. I often also need medications to calm me down. When I am high I need someone who is familiar with CBT and can help me set goals and activate my life, because during these times I have the energy and power to change, when I am agitated and depressed I need to have a therapist who is not rattled by my intense suicidal thoughts, someone I know will listen and not judge me, someone who allows me to speak my truth, When I am severely depressed I need someone who understands and helps me learn to participate in activities outside my house; someone who knows I am struggling, but believes I can do things anyways. Sometimes, I just need someone I feel connected to; someone who I believe accepts and cares for me no matter what.


4. My depression has been treatment resistant believe it is unconscionable to treat a patient for 12-16 sessions, see they were not well still, and end therapy despite the patient remaoning ill. Basically this is what would have happened to me, and happened to me, numerous times. The therapists would treat me, I seemed a bit better, or even much better, but I continuously slipped back into depression. I did not need short term therapy. I needed (and need) long term support to change huge areas of my life, to learn how to make healthier decisions and choices, to learn what kinds of activities drive me forward and which hold me back. My lifestyle has had to change dramatically for me to survive and thrive with and in spite of having this illness. Dramatically changing ones life cannot be done in short term therapy. Personally, for me, I often see that small changes take a very long time. In long term therapy I am able to practice my changes and polish them. I am able to find who I truly am, who I want to be, and how I want to live my life. Before seeing Dr. X I was lead to almost every decision by fear; fear of ending up homeless, jobless, loveless. I am not certain I made any decisions based on what I wanted and enjoyed doing. Long term therapy has allowed me to work through my fear and work towards what stimulates me. I feel I am working towards having a life based on Joy.

I guess what I am saying is there is a time and a place for short term therapy, but to be dogmatic about either short term, or long term therapy is to miss an opportunity to really help a patient change the outline, or structure of their life to one that supports ongoing wellness and resiliency. Patients like me may need ongoing support indefinitely. If I discontinue therapy, it will not be with an eye towards never going back. If I need help again I will return. For me long term therapy, and different types of therapy within my sessions has been extraordinarily effective and helpful . I really believe it is the relationship between the patient and therapist that leads to lasting positive change.

Relationships, trust, and the ability to be truthful and open about all aspects of my life in order that I have the opportunity to address those aspects, can take a long time. The relationship between myself and Dr. X. is strong and I feel safe to make the changes I need to make. I am grateful I have a therapist who understands the psyche may take time to adapt, change, and grow. For me, long term therapy has led to a great deal of positive change; not just surface change, but change that is becoming embedded in my character. This is a great thing.

"I Love the Whole World"

Yesterday, in my pdoc appt we discussed my going off my medication and trying to get a clearer view of what is/is not, or if anything is helping me; my starting from a blank slate. I am not certain my medications are helping me, though I do seem to have "manageable moods" more often than before, but maybe that is therapy, and teaching, and creating art, and developing friendships etc.

Dr. X said it was not clear to him that the medications were helping me. He also expressed "dismay"that I had increased my Valium, rather than decrease it as discussed. He said it is a worrisome trend. I said "dismay" in brackets, because he never lets it show if he is disappointed. The dismay aspect comes from how I felt he felt about my misstep.

I am terrified of discontinuing, or lowering my Valium. I always get so stressed out, stop sleeping, become miss crankypants from hell. Rather than express all that fear I make the excuse, "but it seem like Valium IS the only medication that helps me."

Last night I decided "fuck it" I am going of the Valium fast and I will deal with the sleeplessness, anxiety and irritability. The faster I get off it, the faster I will get over the withdraw effects.

Dr. X and I decided to have me go off the Mood Stabilizer I am on. I haven't had a joyous day in a long time, and my good moods are so good they outshine the happiest person out there in terms of radiance and pure energy, without the bad consequences of mania/hypomania. I feel like life and all its glory exudes and radiates energy through me.

I was watching the Discovery Channel last night and they have the best advertisement I have ever seen....this is me when I feel good:

I want ME back.

Last night I lowered my Tegretol from 1000 to 800mgs (as per Dr X's instructions)...but I also lowered my Valium from 20mgs to 15 and will lower to 10 tonight. Life is too short and there is too much to experience to be the way I am.

What? Why? How?

I usually start my pdoc appts by providing a recap of any symptoms I have been having. It's just always the way I start. I always forget something important. I should write what happens down. This is how it went this morning (as I remember it):

Me: I've been depressed, well all over the map actually.

Dr. X: All over the map?

Me: Yeah, depressed most of the time, but my mood has gone up when things happen, like I reconciled with my best friend, which I am very happy about. I visited another friend, Drawing with her one day, and that was fun. My mood went up. But when I got home I felt ashamed of how poorly I draw. I felt sad that I was as bad as I was.

Dr. X: This is something concrete we could help you with, your phobia of feeling ashamed, or embarrassed.

Me: Yeah. (Translation in my head)...nothing in the world will help me learn to trust people are honest with me. Nothing will ever make me stop feeling I am bad at things I do, and that people are always making fun of me, or dismissing me. Even when nothing in their actions suggests this.

There are so many times I have thought Dr. X was "most certainly ridiculing" my skills/talents. However, if I really think hard I can't see him doing that to anyone else. Why would he think bad things about me? Why would others think bad things about me? Why do I think bad things about me?

• I'm tired all the time and sleeping between 3:30 and 6, or one day from 2-6. I just get exhausted.
• I feel like I'm in a daze. It's not my memory as much as it feels like I am losing my brain cells. (I forgot to tell him I poured myself a drink and forgot the vodka...didn't clue in until I had drank half of it...duh!) (I did this again tonight...maybe my subconscious is telling me something)..."leave out the vodka"...Ya think?
  
  I picked up a knife right after making my coffee and looked at it wondering why I had done that, or I tried to put the martini shaker sieve on top of the vodka bottle. I take something out of the cupboard and have no idea why, I put thinks in the microwave that are supposed to go in the fridge. I momentarily look at the syrup (for my pancakes) and I can't remember what it is for...the list goes on.
  
  (Aside): I also forgot to tell him I am back to only two drinks a day. I was doing worse than that the past few weeks so that's good.
  
  This week and last week I forgot to tell him I have been falling....alot.
  
  At my middle sister's I took my dog out in the middle of the night to pee. I took a misstep on her porch (forgot there was a step there), fell, twisted my ankle, had a huge bruise and road rash on my back and on the palm of my hand. I thought I broke my foot.
  
  Afterwards, it was freaky, (but kind of funny), because as I feel I fell on the dog's leash, releasing him from his collar and there I am in agony unable to get up and my puppy takes off into my sister's back yard with no identification on him. I finally manage to get up, but at this point I have lost my shoes and am in my sock feet and I am limping all over my sister's soaking wet back yard in the pitch black trying to catch the dog...which, thank god, I did.
  
  I also fell twice in our driveway the past 3 days. I am destined to be one of those old ladies who falls and breaks her hip in old age. I have always been a klutz.
  
  Anyways...As the session proceeds....
  
  Me: Will you tell me how you see me? Tell me how you would explain me to a colleague if you had to pass me on to someone else.
  
  (Aside): So now Dr. X sits silent and inside my head I am thinking..."he's trying to frame bad news in some acceptable way, or he's trying to edit what he wants to say, rather than tell me the truth...and usually I interrupt and say it's okay to say what ever he thinks,
  ...but this time I slowed myself down and tried to think this silence is just his way. He is thoughtful about things before he speaks. He's just thinking. But deep inside I think he's thinking about how avoid giving me the truth, but I am struggling to believe he is, and always has been honest with me.
  
  Dr. X: First I would spend much of the time explaining your ongoing symptoms
• I would like to change the question, so rather than address a colleague, I am addressing you (this brings me a step closer to trusting he is going to be honest)

Me: Tell me what I am doing wrong. Am I doing something that is making nothing work? Am I resisting for some reason? Does my therapy need to done differently...can't think of the word

• I think it would be helpful for you to have some kind of benevolent structure in your life.

(I think he is referring to daily goals, plans and activities, that are both constant and positive for me. Examples, might be teaching at the Art Clubhouse, seeing friends, gaining more of a social network, exercise etc.)

Inside I feel the pain of losing my job, but recognize the structure there was too full of fear and stressful events for me to continue, but I long for that sense of accomplishment I got from working at something challenging. Deep inside I know I cannot manage the kind of stress that comes with a corporate job...still I long for the ability to work full-time again. So I ask about working.

Dr. X: You are working!

Me: (inside my head)...I mean REAL work. What I do is not good enough, I don't work enough, I am a burden on the system...but I don't say it because I know it must really annoy him that I can't move on and accept I am a different person now when it comes to the types of jobs I will be able to manage.

Dr. X: (Later on in the appt)...Actually I would like to see you go somewhere for a while, to the tropics or something, to somewhere that had a really structured longer term program.

Me: Like a sanitarium? (I was thinking of this in a positive way, as a place of rest with lots of support and stress relieving routines in place)

Dr. X: "No, that sounds too pejorative, something more like a retreat, where you felt you fit in with the other people there, where you did things together.

Me: (Inside)...that sounds more like a nightmare. I HATE group activities. I am a more one-one person or one - two person. Groups scare me.

(Out loud) I meant "Sanitarium in a positive way, like a place where a person goes to heal. (Inside)...I have thought about and tried to find someplace like that...you know like the places people with TB went at the turn of the century, or the places you read about where therapy is available and it is a beautiful, hospitable place to become well again)

There's more...but I will write about that later. I went into my session sad and feeling things will never change, but Dr. X soon began helping me feel cared for. While for the past few days and on the way to my pdoc appointment I just wanted to quit therapy and medicine and quit trying altogether. Sitting in the chair, across from Dr. X. for only a few moments changed my mind. He has a way of making me need to keep trying, even when I don't want to. I will.

Going away somewhere warm and sunny does sound like a good idea...hmmm.

4000th visitor "My Psychiatrist Won't Give Me Counselling..."

Just a today I had my 4000th visitor to this site. Thanks for visiting everyone. I am always so interested to hear from others and to discover other people searching for some of the answers to the questions I ask. I feel less alone knowing other people exist and are trying to work through their lives while struggling with mental illness. I also appreciate those visitors who may not be mentally ill, but support and search for help for those of us with these illnesses.

I thought I'd address the question Visitor 4000 googled to get to my blog because I found it especially poignant given how much support I receive from my psychiatrist. It saddens me that people are being left to fend for themselves when they think they need more support.

Visitor # 4000 googled: "my psychiatris[t] wont give me counselling i need more than 20 sessions".

In my experience I have seen so many people whose psychiatrists offer no therapy, but are simply there to provide medication and biological treatment advice. In some cases, where a person takes an antidepressant, it works wonders and the person is off and returning back to a normal life, I think this might be a good approach.

My question is...and this is a big one...Does this EVER happen? I have met so many people in the last 10 years or so with depression and honestly, I cannot think of a single one whose illness was that easily treated.

I don't believe depression is simply a biological illness. There are so many factors involved in why someone becomes depressed and why one person gets better while another struggles. 15 years ago I would have told you all I needed was 5 or six therapy sessions when I was depressed and I got my life back and became well...but DID I BECOME WELL?

Would I have been in a better situation now if my depression had been taken more seriously when I was having short Major Depressive Episodes. I addressed this before in my post "Early Medical Intervention for Major Depression" . There are no easy answers, but I really believe I needed the support of a psychiatrist, and especially a psychiatrist who works longterm with his or her patients in therapy as well. Twenty therapy visits would not be enough for me, even before this episode.

Why do I believe this??

1. I believe Major Depression is complex and has complex triggers...environmental stressors, the person's family history, the individual's history, the individual's coping mechanisms. whether abuse has been involved, whether there are other psychiatric problems like anxiety disorders, or OCD problems, or alcohol or drug abuse problems, whether genetics is a factor, how much, or how little support the depressed person has, whether or not medication, or medications work....the list goes on. No one can convince me that all these things can be addressed in 20 sessions or less.
2. What if medications don't work, or work for a while and then stop, or are not optimal and as such are leaving the depressed person at risk of another depressive episode, or more problems in their life due to the side effects, or ineffectiveness of the medication. Long term support is crucial.
3. By long term support I mean a psychiatrist you have the opportunity to learn to trust. A psychiatrist who is there for you when it's black and dark and life is not worth living, a supportive psychiatrist who listens and cares and believes they can help you, a psychiatrist who does not falter when mistakes happen, or when the patient gives up hope, or even when the patient feels distrustful of the psychiatrist in spite of the doctor's consistency. My experiences in life have left me scared and scarred and afraid and distrusting of other people. No medication takes those fears away without a combination of therapy. Certainly, 20 therapy sessions cannot eradicate a lifetime of lessons in anxiety, fear, intimidation, helplessness, hopelessness and sadness.
4. I know the reason I have survived the last few years is because my psychiatrist offers therapy. Without his continuing support, without there being an understanding that I can see him until I am well, and even after I feel well, I would not have the courage to keep trying.

Dear 4000th visitor...there are psychiatrists who offer therapy. If that
is what you want, or think you need, please listen to yourself and look for a different doctor. You have one life and it is so important to get the care you need to make your life manageable, and, hopefully one day, delightful. I wish you all the luck in the world.