Discontinuing Valium - Cold Turkey

**Note: I am NOT condoning anyone go off Valium this way. From what I have read it can be dangerous, even life threatening, to do this if you are on a high dose of any of the benzodiazepines. (Although for the life of me I never could find out Why...If anyone knows I'd like to know too) Please work out a schedule with your pdoc if you want to stop any of your medications.

I am not exactly sure, but I think I am on my 8th or 9th day of no Valium. I tried to go off it by slowly lowering my dose, but as soon as I had any side effects I would take more Valium and eventually I ended up taking more than prescribed, just so I did not have to deal with the stress of stopping it. I don't know if I feel psychologically afraid, or if physiologically I was becoming more tolerant of higher doses. Probably both. I always seem to have this pattern after having been on Valium, or any other Benzodiazepine, for a while.

Valium definitely helps me in a number of ways, but it also makes me tired and (I think) apathetic. Dr. X and I have decided I slowly go off all my medications as he says it is not clear they are helping me. To some degree I agree. I am not sure if they help or not.

I still seem to have mood swings/unstable moods and much of the time I feel extremely depressed and anxious, sometimes I feel moderately depressed and anxious, sometimes I feel only depressed and sometimes only anxious and some of the time I feel hopeful. This is the best I have ever been in 7 years, so it is hard to say my medicine is NOT working. I think at best it is sort of, at times helping. Other times I think it is my changing life and therapy that has lifted me a bit. If it were the medication wouldn't I feel hopeful at least most or much of the time?

Anyways... I discontinued Valium cold turkey about 8 or 9 days ago. It has been both uplifting and brutal, but I simply could not manage to lower the dose slowly.

The uplifting part is that I seem to have an increase in energy and, at least part days I have had more energy. The brutal part has been and continues to be (maybe even worse now than the first few nights) the withdrawal side effects I have been experiencing:

Not sleeping. The first 4 days I did not sleep more than a couple hours, in increments of a few minutes here and there, each night. By Christmas Eve my mood was great...probably due to sleep deprivation. However, by 1:30 am that night, having gone to bed at 10:15 and finding myself at 1:30 am increasingly wired, twitching and clenching my teeth and more I broke down and decided I needed to take something to help me sleep. I took 50mgs of Trazadone and at least I slept part of the night. The next day I felt so much better, except for feeling like I was dazed. I have continued to take Trazadone as it is at least partially helping me sleep.

Twitching...my muscles are twitching and my hands shaking. The twitching seems to be getting worse and is really annoying. It is almost like the feeling of reflexes when someone taps your knee, except it is all over...in my hands, arms, legs, torso...very annoying.

Mouth movements are back with a vengeance. I began taking the Valium to stop these mouth movements that began shortly after I started taking Prozac. I was getting extremely stressed because I was worried it was tardive dyskenesia. The Valium really helped them slow down and mostly go away (at least I wasn't noticing them as much). Now they are back full force...My mouth is making weird semi-controllable movements. If I focus really hard I can stop them, but the second I stop focusing on stopping them they come back...the movements are things like sucking motions, pursing my lips tightly, my tongue is moving in my mouth to the point that it is sore in numerous places from rubbing up against and pushing on my teeth and my jaw is clenched so tightly (especially in the evenings) that I have been getting massive headaches from the tension in my jaw and neck muscles. I have had to take 600mgs of Advil a couple times a night to lessen my headaches.

Toes tapping/moving It is like they are beating to a different drummer than me. "Tap, Lift, Tap, Lift, Tap, Lift...quickly, then slowly, then quickly, then ploddingly. They do not seem to want to stop (at least when I am noticing them). I can stop them if I focus on stopping, but a few minutes/seconds later I notice I am doing it again.

Anxiety/Bad Energy: Tight chest/back/jaw. Difficulty getting to sleep because I feel like I can't breathe. More energy, but it feels bad, like agitated energy, feel overwhelmed by small things, or things that are even the least bit difficult for me.

Irritability: Noises are annoying. It feels like sensory overload if the music at home is too loud, or it isn't the music I want to hear, or the t.v. is too loud, or people are talking to much. It is almost like the auditory equivalent of bright, relentless sunshine in your eyes when you are not wearing a hat or sunglasses.

Increased eating: (not sure if this is a side effect, the holiday season, or if it is happening at times my mood is down), but I have gained more than 12 pounds in the last 3-4 weeks...and I can't seem to stop eating bad food.

Balance problems: Falling, tipping, slipping. It may be the weather conditions (snow and ice), but I feel completely off balance, even inside.

Memory problems: Not sure I can remember the bizarre things I have been doing, but I remember saying "huh" to myself numerous times a day...Let me think...

spending a lot of time staring at things I pull out to do and wondering why I have them in my hand or on the counter. (Eg: pull out vodka and juice to make a drink and I keep looking at them both unsure of what they are and unsure of what I am to do with them, or find myself in a room and not knowing why, or putting the juice in the microwave instead of the fridge etc...

forgetfulness/carelessness

Stuttering/word finding: I have a phrase or sentence in my head. I go to speak and different words come out. Sometimes it takes me 3-4 tries to get the right statement out. I have done this numerous times while speaking with my husband. The words that come out wrong are usually associated in some way (they rhyme or have something to do with the topic...eg./ topic is strawberries and the word "tomatoes" comes out instead ...both are fruits). The other example of this problem is pure stuttering...where I have to try numerous times for the entire word to come out of my mouth correctly. I can't remember exact examples, (despite meaning to each time it happens), but my husband is making fun of me when I do it, because it is happening regularly.

Depersonalization/dissociation...I am "disappearing" a lot.

Letting Go

I think I had one of the best, most relaxing Christmases I have had in years. Part of it was due to all the snow. I could not get out of my driveway so did not attempt to go anywhere, and something about the snow adds some levity to my life.

I laughed so many times watching my puppy try to run, plow, bounce and leap through the deep snow. He was hilarious. Were it not for his red Christmas coat (I NEVER thought I'd be one to put a coat on my dog....seems so humiliating for the dog?), but if he didn't have the coat he would have become one with the snow: a white dog melting into a white background.

At least with his red coat on I could see him every few minutes as he raced between the blueberry bushes chasing all the birds. Boing, red, boing, red a few seconds later across the field, boing a flash of red at the far end of the field...15 minutes later I fell to the ground in exasperation, after having whistled and called him to "come" a zillion times...I'm his best friend until he spots a bird, then off through the field he goes; completely unaware of my call.

As I fell to the ground and was emerged in 2.5 feet of snow, he spotted my red glove. By the time I finished making a snow angel...(that felt so fun...I haven't done that in years) Skookum was at my side trying to save me from being swallowed up by the snow. It's funny how dogs seem to come as soon as you give up trying to find them.

I remember, a few years ago, Dr. X. explaining to me how trying too hard is a pattern I repeat. I turn up the volume and try harder and harder to get well. With the increased struggle to get well comes the increased anxiety to "perform". I sometimes put so much pressure on myself to get well that it backfires.

I know that when I first left work I absolutely could not relax. I'd be exhausted and try to take a nap, but my mind would race with all the things I could be doing to help myself, rather than nap and I'd lay awake stressing about not being able to get to sleep. It would get worse, and worse and of course I wouldn't be able to sleep, no matter how tired I was.

I am going off my medications and decided rather than go off Tegretol as agreed with Dr. X, that it was more important to get off Valium NOW. So I went from 20mgs to 0mgs in 4 days. Yikes, it has been an insomniacs worst nightmare, but I am trying to just let go and if I can't sleep, not get all worked up over it. I am crabby and cranky and anxious, but I feel my mood has gone up (maybe from sleep deprivation).

Maybe happiness and getting rid of depression is like that. Maybe if I stop trying so hard to find a solution, stop trying so hard to get well and accept my situation, or maybe if I "forget" about the depression, maybe it will disappear? Hmmm.

Think I will go out and make a snowman...I haven't done that in years either.

Clarification About my Recent Benzodiazepines Post

I received interesting comments from my last post (thanks everyone who responded to it). I think though that I may need to clarify what the post was about.

It was not about my difficulty coming off Valium, or my dependence on Valium, or any kind of desire to come off psychiatric medications. Rather, it was about the stigma I feel and the corresponding pressure I feel about being on medications that some people feel are too addictive and dependency creating to, as a pdoc, prescribe or, as a psychiatric patient, take.

It was also about the struggle I have in therapy to be independent and autonomous, yet needing to have my pdoc say; that may not be a good idea when that needs to be clear. Dr. X's supports our having an ongoing, autonomous Dr/patient relationship. I need that. I have many, many problems with autonomy, and independence and dependence; especially where men are concerned and even more so if that man is perceived as an authority figure by me.

I stated in my last post: "So, in keeping with not wanting to be addicted, and not wanting to be a drug seeker, also, because I was afraid the Valium was masking my possible TD mouth movements, three weeks ago I decided I should try to get off Valium."

Dr. X. never once has said I was addicted, or a drug seeker, nor has he ever even hinted at it. He has explained that taking these medications is like borrowing money from the bank; there is always a price to pay.

That price being dependency if I continue taking them, which may result in my needing more medication for the anxiety as time goes on. At which point there has to be a balance between our increasing the dosage to help my anxiety remain stable, and our looking at the side effects an increase in dosage might bring (i.e. memory problems, balance problems, attention or concentration problems etc.), and withdrawal effects should I decide to stop taking Valium.

It is me who feels the guilt and stigma of taking "momma's little helper". The fact that that term even exists speaks volume to how many people look at these medications with derision.

However, what if it really is "my little helper". What if ,taking it with my mood stabilizer and my antidepressant, it actually wards off my anxious depression? What if I can function better when I take it? What if this combination makes my life better.

Am I still addicted if I need a benzodiazepine just like I need an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer? I do believe I need medication, so why do I feel no stigma about needing Tegretol and Prozac, yet so much pressure to stop taking Valium?

Dr. X never told me to stop the Valium, in fact he subtly (maybe too subtly) questioned my reasons for wanting to go off and in his quiet, and unobtrusive way suggested staying on might be better for me.

So my post was not about me or him wanting me to stop taking the Valium, rather it was about the impetus behind my wanting to stop taking Valium: My feeling like I was a bad person for taking it.

Benzodiazepines and Me

In my appointment this week Dr. X. and I spent a lot of time talking about me and Diazepam (Valium). I take a small dose of Valium everyday, along with 600mg Tegretol and 30 mgs Prozac.

This mixture seems to have been the first to do anything towards helping my mood disorder's symptoms. I have taken some form of benzodiazepines (Lorazepam, Clonazepam, Temazepam and finally Diazepam) both short and long term off and on ever since I began seeing Dr. X. 6.5 years ago.

The short acting ones (especially Lorazepam) are a nightmare for me, because I get what seems to be withdrawal effects each day as they wear off and become really irritable, anxious and angry. Diazepam (Valium) has been different. It has helped me immensely.

My Major Depressive Disorder( MDD) is also accompanied by constant and debilitating anxiety attacks and sometimes panic attacks, insomnia, non-stop worrying, and some OCD symptoms; checking/rechecking, contamination fears and obsessive worries and thoughts.

This time I began taking Valium to ease my mouth movement symptoms and obsessive thoughts and music in my head (I am worried it is Tardive Dyskinesia, my pdoc suggested it is bruxism, but recently began wondering about TD too). The Valium seemed to stop the obsessive thoughts, allowed me to be comfortable in my volunteer role teaching art, helped me sleep, basically calmed me down enough so I can live a more relaxed life and not have constant anxiety symptoms. It also helped slow the mouth movements down a bit; although they are still pretty bad.

I read other's comments about benzodiazepines. The Shrink Rap psychiatrists, whose opinions I am interested in, and respect, seem very opposed to using them), also, I belong to an online support group and many people psychiatrists seem opposed to providing benzodiazepines for long term usage. I get the sense that these psychiatrists see long term need for benzodiazepines as a slippery slope to addiction and drug seeking behaviour.

So, in keeping with not wanting to be addicted, and not wanting to be a drug seeker, also, because I was afraid the Valium was masking my possible TD mouth movements, three weeks ago I decided I should try to get off Valium.

I informed Dr. X that this was what I wanted to do. He supported the idea, but told me to go off it very, very slowly; 10% or less a week. He said this would help me avoid some of the withdrawal side effects.

So I began. Within a week my good mood began slipping. I became more and more stressed, more and more depressed. By the time I went into this week's pdoc appointment I was slipping back into a deep depression. I had began craving alcohol again (and drinking again to relieve my stress and anxiety; something that I had stopped almost immediately upon beginning Valium again (a common pattern for me). I began isolating, not wanting to leave the house, unable to sit and be creative without being completely stressed out about how bad I was at what I was trying to do...the list goes on.

I asked Dr. X. about long term benzodiazepine usage. I asked him why he so readily provided them to me when so many pdocs and people seem opposed to the idea of anyone using these medications for long periods of time. I told him I had wanted to stop taking Valium because I did not want to be addicted, or dependent and because I hear so much negative press about people on these medications.

He told me that many psychiatrists would say there is a population of people where the risks of dependency and addiction have to be weighed against those people's debilitating symptoms. He said for me taking a small amount of Valium seemed to relieve me so much of so many symptoms of my anxiety. It appeared to him that my continuing to take Valium was the right choice for me (He said it better and much more coherently than that).

I expressed my feelings that some of my memory and word finding problems, and perhaps some of my balance problems were associated with taking a benzodiazepine. He told me that is possible and perhaps likely. Unfortunately the alternative for me is irritability, inability to sleep, extreme anxiety and the return of depressive symptoms. I decided I would go back on the Valium dose I was on. He seemed to think that was a good idea.

I know I build up a tolerance for Valium. It seems to stop working after a period of time. At that point I need a small increase in my dosage. I also know I have really bad withdrawal effects every time I go off it, which I need to do every once in a while for a period of time to offset the tolerance. However, I also know I am far more functioning and able to enjoy life when I take Valium.

I really worry that one day something might happen to Dr. X. and I will need to get a new pdoc, and they will not understand this dynamic the way Dr. X. does. They will think I am drug seeking if I ask for Valium, or think I am an addict, when in reality I wonder if there are some of us for whom benzodiazepines are a much needed supplement to the other medications we take.

What is the difference between a medication that is needed to maintain balance in a person's life, and a medication that the person is addicted to. I do not really understand where I fit in or to which category I belong. Dr. X says I am not an addict, nor am I drug seeking when I ask for Valium. I have to trust and believe he is right.

Medications, side effects and doubt I will ever find what I need

This post finds me frustrated beyond belief. Not only have my combination of medications seemed to have stopped working, they are causing me distress over and above their not working.

I started taking Tegretol (800mgs) about 6 months ago. I thought it helped somewhat with the lability of my mood. (Although in my appointments my pdoc used to ask me why I was telling him I was feeling better when I clearly was not???). I really felt a tiny helpful change.

So to augment that tiny lift we added Prozac, starting at 10mgs and now I'm taking 30mgs. Almost immediately (within two weeks) my mood lifted, but it also came with intensely annoying 4-8 bars of the same music playing over an over in my head and my teeth began tapping like mad.

So I tried Valium to calm that down and it seemed to help a bit, especially at night. The Valium also helped with my intense anxiety and alcohol cravings, so we added Valium to my nightly regime. The music has disappeared, as did my need for alcohol. Unfortunately as time went on the Prozac seemed to not work very well (from my perspective..if at all). Also, either it, or my returning depression began causing intense fatigue. I felt so tired I could not do anything. All SSRI's I had tried before did this same thing to me.

So we added Dexedrine to my mix to help with some energy and motivation. The day after i began it I got my old self back, and for 3 glorious weeks I felt like me again: motivated, action oriented, delighted to be alive, enthralled with everything I saw, social anxiety disappeared, I became my old self assured, bubbly and outgoing self.

Unfortunately the Dexedrine came with two price tags: It increased my teeth tapping problem tenfold. The teeth tapping became tapping, grinding, clenching, strange mouth movements like my lips kept pursing together. All this damaged my teeth and I had to get a guard to wear during the day, but it kept getting worse. The second problem with Dexedrine is that it quickly wore off. At first I started with regular release the next week I switched to a 10mg spansule (extended release) in the a.m., then the next week I added a 10mg spansule at noon, but by the end of that second week by 4pm the Dexedrine seemed to wear of and I became so exhausted I felt sick. By 4 or 5 that I had to nap until 7/7:30.

So now I am left with two options: Stop the Dexedrine for a while and hope that my teeth/moth movement problems are reduced and when I go back to the Dexedrine in a while it will help again, or stop the Prozac (as the initial cause of the teeth problems). Neither seems like a very good solution to me.

Here I am with a combo of medications that seems to help somewhat to (periodically) quite a bit, but the side effects are such that periodically I will need to stop and the restart them. All I see is that my mood is going to be okay, bad, okay, bad, okay, bad forever. God I hate this illness. I hate the medications and I hate that nothing seems to consistently help me. Will I ever find a combination that really works?

Hypomania? Benzodiazepine Withdrawal? or Just a Messed Up Personality?

I did not sleep again last night. I went to bed at 10:00pm and tried . At 11:30 I was still wide awake, tons of energy buzzing through me. Then the rest of the night I would fall asleep for 1/2 hr to 1.5 hrs and each awakening couldn't get back to sleep for 1 hr or more.

By 5:30am I was freaking out about not sleeping, but fell asleep for 45 mins sometime after 7am and then was wide awake and, once again, full of energy, albeit extremely anxious energy.

I feel this drill seargent inside me....go, go, go!!! I am flitting from task to task, rushing, pushing myself to go faster. I walk the dog, try to read the paper to relax, can't focus on any one story so I skim and get no relaxation and no information, check my e-mail, write a this quick, but very long (is "pressure to speak" through writing viewed as pressure of speech???), blog and get out and garden. I am high, irritable, anxious and untrusting all at the same time

As I was walking the dog I started to think of my last therapy session. Thinking of how Dr. X., asked me if I thought I was hypomanic, but he didn't allow the energy I have right now to be seen as something negative. "Use this energy to push ahead", he said. I like that he does not pathologize everything.

I have mixed feelings about one thing though. When I gave up my hoarded meds it was with the belief that he would help me if I had trouble sleeping or with anxiety. I feel a bit annoyed that I trusted him enough to give those meds.

He knew I had no sedatives at home. He knew that I had , over the previous week, stopped taking all of the 15-20mg Valium I had been taking. I'm sure he knew I was going to be anxious and have trouble sleeping. The first week of no sleep I recognize I was probably having some withdrawal, but I wonder if that is still happening? Or am I hypomanic?

What I would have liked is for him to acknowledge I was having, or going to have withdrawal symptoms. I guess what I'm trying to express is I would have liked to know this is what would happen if I went off Valium too quickly. He did try to get me to go off it slowly, but I always fell back and ended up increasing, because I would get so stressed out and not sleep. I would have liked an open/honest discussion about my "addiction" to Valium.

I would have liked him to express what I suspect he was thinking...that now that he had all my hoarded meds, I had no sedatives to sneak into, to "self-medicate" with, and now was an opportunity to get me off Valium for good.

Which is what I want...even though I'm whining and freaking out about not having any...it really is what I want. I suspect wants me off the Valium too.

What's my point? I just want him to talk to me, about me, like I am a colleague. I want to know exactly how he sees me, exactly what he thinks my diagnosis is, exactly what he would tell another health care worker about what is stopping me from getting well.

Why he is letting me go through all this mixed high, both intensely powerful and horrible at the same time. Powerful, because finally, I have leaped out of my cocoon like bed and started doing tons; horrible because of my mounting anxiety/irritability and no sleep.

I am glad he stood his ground and did not give me sedatives, but at the same time I feel like I really need to sleep. Is he doing it to see if I do have bipolar? Maybe before I was always sedating my hypomania, so I never went up and stayed up for an extended time? I just want to know what he is thinking when he makes these decisions...but I feel it is not my place to ask, or I feel like he is not telling me the whole truth.

Next day...
I'm scared too because I'm going away with my sister and her kids next week and I can't be totally psycho around them. Plus I want an enjoyable holiday, not one filled with the agitation I was feeling all day today. I just lost it today. I feel explosive inside...so anxious I feel like I'm being suffocated by someone squeezing my chest shut.

I am so irate I am mumbling and talking to myself in angry tones (even in public!!)...how embarassing. My mind is on high speed, I can't concentrate. I kept messing up at my volunteer job last night...dropping thing, distracted, miscalculating things, missing what people were asking for, just not getting it at all. All day I have been ready to blow up at everyone around me.

We have a house guest right now and this a.m. I went from excited and energetic (but really anxious), to severely anxiousand agitated in the same hour. Within the next hour I became so agitated I could not sit still. He started noticing my behaviour was getting bizarre and he came up to me to try to calm me down and help me relax with some type of yoga relaxation technique...as I was doing the exercise I just broke down crying and having the worst anxiety attack. I have way to much raging, racing energy inside me for how little sleep I have had. I'm scaring myself.

I won't last like this for 2 more weeks. I can feel that any "elation", caused by finally having some energy over the past week or so, is quickly disintigrating and becoming an anxious and agitated depression.

I don't want to ask for sedatives. I don't want to start or ever take any benzodiazepines again. I don't want to lose my energy. I just want the energy, without all the bad feelings. I want to enjoy my time with my sister and neices next week when we go horseback riding. Is that too much to ask? And what do I ask for? A new brain?