My brain goes from, "I am never going to be well" to "maybe this is normal", to "I cannot take this anymore", to, visualizing myself hanging from my bookshelf, to being afraid I wouldn't die (just end up brain damage) to, feeling like "no one can help me (least of all myself)", to "maybe I am making things not work", to, I am overwhelmed", to, "God I overwhelm others, to, " I think I am overwhelming my new boyfriend", to, I am scared I will scare him away", to, "I am scaring him with my wierdness", to, how do I stop this? to, "maybe it would be best for others that I disappeared", to, I focus too much on myself", to "if I focused less maybe I'd get better", to "how the fuck can I not focus when I feel so bad" to, "no one who is not me can truly get what this is like", to "I am selfish", to, "I am bad", to "I am wasting Dr. X's time" to, maybe I should stop my medicine, it doesn't seem to help anyways", to, "nothing helps", to "others need help too I should leave therapy and give others the opportunity to try to get well", to, Why am I stuck here?" etc., etc.
...and that was just the past few minutes. My brain does that over and over all day long.
So yesterday I thought I'd try smoking some pot again...to slow my brain down. It was not a good experience.
I got so high that all I could do was climb into bed. As I was lying there I began to here all the minute components of "white noise". I could hear every little sound that made up the background noise in my air. It was so loud; all the noises were so loud that they were hurting my ears. I couldn't grasp how I could hear anything else while all this noise was going on. The noise became more and more overwhelming. I became so scared that I began panicking. The noise wouldn't stop and I began to hear someone knocking on my window over and over. It scared me so much.
When I looked no one was there. I looked at my dog too and he gave no indication that anyone had knocked or was nearby. I pulled the covers over my head and listened, my heart pounding. Eventually I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up. I don't think this is my drug of choice. Sure it slowed my thoughts down (at least I focused on one thing)...but I felt terrified almost the whole time.