Friday, October 06, 2006


I have been afraid to post. Afraid because I was, for a while, feeling good (not just well...but good). Afraid because I thought my insurance company would read my posts, determine I was "cured" and send me back to work before I was ready.

In late June I decided to try Lithium. I was so scared to try this med for some reason. Once my dose was at 900mg I began to feel okay, then at 1200mg I felt really good. My mood had not only leveled off, it had lifted. I had some fatigue, but I could sleep in the afternoon and that seemed to help. I felt good for a few weeks, then I became sick (cold/flu...really awful cold symptoms). For two weeks, even while sick my mood felt good. Then my mood crashed.

I thought the Lithium stopped working, my mood kept getting worse. My pdoc said it was working, but could not manage to help my really low lows. Since then I have not felt good. I feel really bad right now. pretty much as bad as I have ever felt. What the hell???

Why do I take medicine if it makes me tired all the time, makes me stunned and and only works sporadically, if at all? I have been thinking a great deal about dying. I feel like I am never going to be well for an extended period. I feel like I cannot cope with life. I cannot even manage to keep my house clean. What makes me think I can turn my life around. I thought Lithium was supposed to level off my mood swings. That is simply not happening and I am soooooo fucking frustrated!!!