Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Well...I went to my session yesterday dreading having to go. For the past few weeks I have been so down and really, really flat, empty, spaced out. All I want is for my time here on earth to disappear so I don't have to deal with it. I feel so frustrated by my inability to change, to move towards wellness.

So, all the way to my appointment I am thinking, "something has to change, I need some huge change to happen, I need a more structured day. I am not doing well with not working and having no structure"

I sit down and say to my pdoc, "I feel the same, depressed, tired, everything is just the same". He looks at me and says, "There has been a lot of that lately...sameness, maybe we need to shake things up a bit"...there's me thinking the same thing earlier, but I begin panicking when he says it. His voice reminds me of when he wanted to lessen our appointments to "shake things up a bit".

So we talk and decide I need a strict structured schedule. The first thing we do is set the sleep time. Outside this time I am not supposed to lay down, or sleep. Already I feel stressed out. I am so tired all the time I don't know how I am going to manage without a nap...this appears non-negotiable...so I acquiesce.

Here's my schedule:
7:30: Out of bed, have coffee, read
8:30-9:30 to the gym, swim, ride my bike or walk
9:30: Shower
10-12:00 Garden
12-1 Lunch
1-4:00 Art (pottery, drawing, painting, writing)
4-5:00 Chores (housecleaning, grocery shopping, laundry etc.)
5-6:00 Make dinner
6-7:00 Eat dinner, spend time with husband
7-11:30 Unstructured free time
11:30-7:30 In bed...even if not sleeping...trying to get sleep patterns back

So...looked pretty workable yesterday, but I had a meltdown over it today. I could not get myself up, when I got up 1/2 hr late I could not get myself to go exercise, finally at 10:30 I managed to get into the garden, but by 11:30 I felt exhausted and all I wanted was a nap...Now I am supposed to start "Art" in 20 mins and I feel overwhelmed and really, really tired (read: fatigue and exhausted).

Anyways, I feel SOOOOO lame. It's not like I have a job or anything...these are just everyday things that people seem to find time for on top of work. I used to be able to work so hard and do so much. I used to work more than full time and then come home to the farm and work here for another 4 plus hours everyday....now I feel stressed out by this stupid schedule. Anyways, the one thing he mentioned at the end of our session was that if I messed up and missed something, or didn't do something to just get back on track as soon as possible...don't give up because I missed something. I'm glad he said that because my inclination is to give up...but I will try again.