Monday, July 06, 2009


I have been absolutely insane these past few days. I do not understand what was going on, but here goes...

This weekend, since Thursday I have been on a sex, drugs and rock and roll bender. Thursday night I decided to try to stick to my plan of having one drink that evening. I had one, then another and another and another. I began feeling like my old My boyfriend and I cranked the tunes and sat back and talked until 2 or 3 in the morning. It was great and felt so good: until the next morning.

I woke up at 9am with the worst hangover I have had in a long time. I managed to walk the dog and visit with a friend, but then disappeared under the covers, beside my sleeping boyfriend, until 2 or 3pm.

I know I spoke of my difficulties with antidepressant induced anorgasmia a couple days ago. This in no way means I have lost my sex drive. I woke feeling insatiable. I worked to satiate the both of us then got out of bed around 5 or 6pm.

I decided not to drink that night (again)...given how awful I had felt after the previous night. I managed to stick to that, except as we went for a walk around 10pm I asked my friend for a puff of some pot he was smoking (something I rarely do because it makes me crazy). I haven't smoked pot in years and I bet I have only tried it 2-3 times in the past 20 years. It is not something I have enjoyed in the past.

There is something about my new boyfriend that makes me feel safe to try new things, safe to experiment. So, with that feeling I smoked some more, then more, then more again. By the time we got home I was so stoned , but it felt so good. The only other time I remember pot feeling that way was with my best friend when I was 23 or 24.

When we returned home, the second I walked in the door I pulled out a canvas I have been working on, turned up the music and painted and painted and painted until 1 or 2 am. It felt so good to be lost in my art and to be swallowed up by music again.

The next day I wanted to get high again, so I went and got more pot...I cannot believe I did this, Honestly, I have not done this since high school. I am not sure what was/is happening to me.

On Saturday I got high, then I got high again, and again. I spent most of the day high, painting and having sex. It was great. I felt like my old wild self was appearing again. I have not seen her for a while.

Yesterday morning Sunday) I woke up around 9am and all I could think about was having sex. I started looking at our magazines, looking up porn on the Internet (there is a really good woman friendly site called "I Feel Myself"). By 1pm I was dying to have sex so I went into the bedroom and began slowly waking my boyfriend with some loving touch.

He didn't want sex..and something happened to me. I had a bit of a weird meltdown. I guess I felt rejected or something, but it was really out of character for me.

I felt, and I feel today this intense love for him. So intense that it scares me that I desire someone so much. I am afraid by how intense my love feels. I am afraid I will let myself, and have allowed myself to become t0o close to someone. I feel intensely vulnerable. It is at this stage when people always leave me because I overwhelm them or scare them. How do I stop this?

Anyways, today I feel insatiable still and I feel vulnerable too, but I can see I was a bit crazy this weekend...I slept until 11am this morning (pretty unheard of for me) yet I feel an intense speediness in my thinking that is becoming really uncomfortable. I feel crazy out of control, while at the same time feeling my depression intensely too. God...when will this crap end.


Anonymous said...

Ok I just have to ask. How is a site like "I feel myself" which features a bunch of women masturbating "women friendly"????

Aqua said...

...because sexuality and orgasms are a beautiful thing and these women chose to share their beautiful intimate world with us.

Also, from what I have seen, the site is free of the paternalistic vision of female desire and desirability. I get so tired of seeing all the made up "perfect" women with implanted breasts and "perfect" bodies. The hardcore vaginal/anal sex on most other porn sites bores me.

I love watching the faces of these "everyday" women as they work towards and achieve climax...THEIR way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aqua and thanks for your response. I stumbled upon this blog a few days ago and actually find it quite interesting. I think you should be complimented on your posts. Not only are they very frank and open, but I enjoy your writing. You have a very eloquent way of expressing yourself.

I too suffer from some of the things that you talk about. I don't think that I suffer to the same degree as you however. But posts, like a recent one where, for instance, you talk about always feeling slightly awkward in public and feeling that other people are staring at you... I can really relate to that :)

Anyway, here is what I don't understand. Why would a straight woman (at least I'm making that assumption) want to watch videos of other women masturbating? As a man, I would not be aroused in the least by watching a man masturbate. Is it arousing because you find the women attractive, or because you can relate to how they are feeling?

Aqua said...

Hi Anon,
Glad you are enjoying and relating to my writing (though sorry you are struggling with some of these feelings).

I think you captured two reasons women might enjoy watching women masturbate (or enjoy sharing "gentlemen's" magazines with their men. I also think our culture, for centuries has idolized and idealized the female figure; both men and women have been taght that the female figure is beautiful and erotic.

Also, I think our culture has really pushed women to find women sexually attractive (think of how often you hear about the male fantasy of a "three-way" with two women and the man. I have read that this has become even more prevelant and is happening more with the last couple generations.

I suggest because of this, the medias propensity to push for women "loving" women there is more social/societal acceptance of a woman being bisexual, or having bisexual fantasies, than there is for men doing the same.

It is sad really. Both because men should be so free to reflect and act on their sexuality, but also because there may be too much societal pressure on women to perform sex acts they may not be comfortable with...or may not be comfortable with at a young age when the pressure may be the strongest.

Personally, I find women's bodies beautiful. I do not see enough of men's bodies to have grown as fond of them. Think of all the women in art, magazines, books, films...we are inundated with many, many "beautiful" women everyday. So, I am sure in part my love of the female figure and female sexuality is influenced by what society has pushed on me and wants me to see.

Also, I can relate to women masturbating...I think it is a beautiful, natural, and passionate way for us to express our love of our selves.

I also believe our sexuality, and expressing our sexuality (to ourselves and, if we choose, to others) is a very extraordinary gift. I do not believe there is anything dirty, or wrong with any expression of sexuality that is consensual between two (or more) adults.

Anonymous said...

Good answer Aqua. I totally agree with you. I wonder why it is that our society is pushing this idea of women loving women? It almost seems to me that each successive generation values men less and women more. I personally think this is a sign of how off kilter our world has become.

I have to admit at times to feeling almost apologetic for being male. People trust men less in general, we are not appreciated as much physically, and our society seems to go out of its way to put us down. Where is all this coming from??

Anyway, I won't bore you further. I do have a question for you, however. I'm not clear on what anorgasmia actually is. Is it the inability to have an orgasm at all, or can it also mean just reduced orgasm intensity? I suffer from it as well, but in my case it simply means that I feel nothing at all.