Sunday, July 05, 2009

Narcissistic Nightmare

This is a post about being conspicuous, standing out in a crowd, feeling like you are always being stared at and judged. It is how I feel when I go anywhere outside my house. It is different from my sense I am being spied on.

When I leave the relative safety of my house I always feel this sense of being stared at. I say relative because even in my home I feel I am being watched, and take precautions to help people not see me (online, window coverings, sit in certain places in my house etc.). Outside my home I begin feeling like I am being watched and judged by everyone who sees me; and everyone does see is an awful, stifling and suffocating feeling.

I feel embarrassed to have this feeling because it shows others how self-centred and narcissistic I am. My belief people actually spend their time watching me feels bad. I say "bad" because it reeks of my being the kind of person who feels worthy of being looked at all the time; a vanity that doesn't sit well with my Judeo-Christian upbringing's beliefs about ensuring one is not "self-important", or egotistical; ensuring one remains humble about one's self worth and importance.

My sense of being watched or stared at is not a feeling that others are staring at me because I may be special, or beautiful. It is a feeling like everyone is trying to catch me doing something wrong, or strange, or embarrassing.

Unless my mood is extremely high; in which case I feel stared at because I am on, attractive and desirable, anytime I am out o my house I feel people are just waiting and watching for me to make a mistake or a fool of myself. They are watching to see me trip or fall, or laugh at the wrong time, or make a stupid comment. They are disgusted with how I look; my weight, my height, my face, and my attire. I look out of place, like I don't belong. They are waiting and watching to see me embarrass or demean myself.

It is an awful feeling being stared at, being judged all the time. What makes it even more so is the shame I feel for thinking these thoughts. This shame makes the fear of embarrassment and judgement even worse than it could be without it. Why is life so hard to manage and go through? Why can't I just "be"?


Hannah said...

Oh I can so relate to these feelings, and the shame surrounding them, big hugs xxx

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Are you sure that you aren't Schizoaffective? I experience all of this on a daily basis as well. I don't think it's narcissism but the diseases we struggle with. It's not our fault that our brains don't believe the truth.