I started to feel like maybe he is punishing me for something...I even asked him a few weeks back to be a "punishing therapist"...isn't this where that old adage "be careful what you wish for" comes in??? There is an old gypsy curse, "May you get what you want" that reflects this thought too. (I love that curse...except of course when it pertains to ME!!!)
What would I be being punished for???...
- The med screw ups I have had in the last few weeks. I got into the valium again...and I have trouble with benzos and withdrawal...but I was/am soooo depressed and soooo stressed out. I just did it to relax a little. Anyways...I'm off them now...and when I took them he said we could try it with the gabapentin and modafinil to see if it was a good combo...so I did not think he was mad at me.
- Maybe he read my blog and thinks I need to stop thinking about him and therapy so much.
- Maybe I wear on him. God knows I can't seem to get better for some stupid reason.
- Maybe I'm doing something wrong...not sure what, but I always feel like I am doing something wrong and about to get caught. I always feel like it is my fault that my depression won't go away, or get better. Feel like I am not trying hard enough...even when others say I am trying too hard...I feel so useless and tired all the time. I cannot seem to get going on anything.
- Maybe I am making the medications not work? Not sure how...maybe I do not believe enough that they will (My husband constantly screams at me that they won't), or maybe I am too picky about the side effects. I feel like I try really hard to let them work...but I simply cannot function on most of the meds I have tried...either I get so tired I cannot do anything, or I get so anxious I get even crazier...or nothing happens and I remain severely depressed.
Anyways...I guess we (he and I) are going to have to have the "I feel rejected/abandoned conversation AGAIN...because obviously, while I thought I got it, I don't