Resisting Trust

In my last post, "What a Difference a Day Makes", rather than feeling better, (I am not), I think despite feeling unwell I was able to have some insight into how my perception of other's motives might be skewed by my own beliefs about how I want and need to be supported when I am unwell.
I feel like I had an epiphany about other people. It seems obvious now that I have embraced the idea, but I am NOT the centre of the universe. Ha, ha...sort of:>( I often worry that I am narcissistic...can you be narcissistic if you think you might be? Hmmm).

Given that others deal with their depression in many different ways, it is probable, and even likely, that if they try to support me or you, or help us, they will do so in the way they understand to be helpful to them. This may or may not be the way in which you want to be supported or helped.

I know I try hard to approach friends difficulties the way I think they might need supporting, but I bet I get it completely wrong much of the time, because of my reference point. I need love and affection, nothing that indicates dismissiveness, or anger, and honest feedback.

I realize now that I block people from providing me with honest feedback because I so often feel hurt and criticized by what others perceive as honesty and even support. Difficulty trusting others is a key component to my reacting negatively i.e. fearfully, or hurt) to honest feedback.

I have great deal of difficulty trusting others, even those who consistently prove themselves trustworthy, (eg. Dr X, my boyfriend, friends etc.). I think I have made progress in this area, especially with Dr. X, but I falter all the time.

I remember just last week how intensely hurt I felt by a letter he had written to my Family Doctor (in Canada specialists need re-referrals from the referring physician every 6 mos...seems ridiculous when a psychiatrist has been seeing me this long). In the letter to request a re-refferal he said something like (paraphrase), "Aqua's mood cycles. She sees this component of her mood and is afraid to commit to regular activities". Honestly, I feel okay about what he wrote now because he and I talked about how I felt hurt by his comment.

At the time, after I left his office and read the letter, I was so hurt and angered by his comment. I felt so bad about myself and the way I was, that when I wrote my post, "Concrete and Practical Help" I could not even write about the situation that lead to my needing this help.

I felt like he was saying that I "could" commit to work etc., if only I would; that it was ME stopping myself from committing and not the fact that my mood disorder, my depression, was so intensely unpredictable and severe. It felt completely contrary to what I thought he had been telling me for years; that my mood disorder and its cycling affect my ability to maintain the momentum, motivation, mood, and energy to commit to regular scheduled activities. As I read the letter, all the trust and honesty Dr. X had worked so hard to maintain dissipated in front of me.

Obviously, not ALL the trust disappeared, because I was able to discuss my anger and hurt with him in my next appointment. The discussion helped me understand what his intentions had been. I understood more clearly. What really strikes me today, as I write this, is how, after years and years of building a trustful relationship, I can so suddenly feel hurt and distrustful.

As I read the letter to my physician I tried so hard to tell myself I was mistaken in my interpretation of the words. I tried so hard to believe and understand that Dr. X was so good to me, was so compassionate, honourable and trustworthy. I tried to remember how consistently supportive he has been all these years...but the worm of distrust, suspicion and paranoia kept digging itself into my brain.

...and I wonder why Dr. X and others might be apprehensive and not completely forthcoming about providing me with open and honest feedback. Given my pathological difficulties with trust, given my fear of being punished and plotted against, how can he be sure I will accept his feedback is thoughtful, caring and therapeutic?

Why do I resist trusting people so much?

Let Others Carry the Hope For You

Foreword: I titled this photo "Grief and Shame", not because of how I was, or how I felt in my appointment today. I felt no grief and no shame because Dr. X was sincere and caring about the feedback he provided me, and how he provided it. In fact I felt intensely valued and cared for, in part because he told me the truth about how what I did affected him. No, I titled the picture "Grief and Shame" because it is how I so often felt as a child when my dad made tried to correct me by making fun of me: Grief because I wanted him to love me so much and he didn't, and shame that I was never what he expected me to be. I was never good enough.

My therapy lesson today:

"Let others carry the hope for you, let me carry it for you." Dr. X said this to me today, while I was crying and feeling like all my hope had disappeared. What an incredibly kind and loving thing to say to a patient.

Dr. X did a lot of trying to lift my spirits today. When I was complaining of not being able to remember my songs, he had me try, and when I got a few words he said..."You ARE remembering". When I was crying about my anxiety and ineptness in my choir practice last night he told me to be anxious, have performance anxiety and sing anyways, if you make a mistake be embarrassed and consider that [having sung and been embarrassed and lived through it] therapeutic. When I was stressing out about what is happening in my Art class, he told me I was talented and a good leader.

At first I brushed the kind words off with a, "you're just saying that because it's your job". He told me it annoyed him that I brushed his comments of like that, that I did not feel he was sincere. I immediately recognized what he meant.

I laughed, not because it was funny that he felt annoyed, but because I instantaneously felt that moment of "Touche", (he was right). I knew immediately what he meant by his feedback, I knew I had annoyed him, and exactly how I had done so. It was rude for me to dismiss his comments to me, as though he were lying to me.

I apologized, and he smiled and said, "that's okay I can take it"...and then asked that I please not ruminate on my mistake all day. Which I said I wouldn't, but of course, unfortunately (or fortunately) I will.

I say "fortunately" because rumination is sometimes good for me; especially if it helps me learn a lesson, and/or learn something about my reactions and interactions with others.

I recognize a couple things about my dismissive reaction to Dr. X's support and caring words. First, dismissiveness is a character trait I loathe. It reminds me immediately of my dad, or my husband when they are at there worst. I recognize I have that awful trait within me too. I often dismiss other people's kind words about me. Not good. I am going to work on that.

Second, I believe I dismissed Dr. X. because I could not actually believe someone really felt something good about me, or cared about me that much. I recognize now that is an automatic reaction I have to praise. The root of this reaction may be the hypervigilence I have felt, and continue to feel when I am in the company of my dad. I am never sure if what he is saying is true, or if it is meant to tease, bully and embarrass me; to draw me in and make me feel good, only to later find it was/is a backhanded compliment; one meant to humiliate me.

Due to my dad's unpredictable mood and reactions to me I was constantly on the lookout for a double meaning in what he was saying, or the "real" intent behind his praise. When he paid me a compliment I never knew if it was real or not. It rarely was real. It usually was another means to make me feel I was the bad person, or the loser he thought I was.

Third, because of my previous experiences with my dad, and very similar experiences with other men (I have never very good at picking men who are genuine, or who care much about me), my immediate response to a man's positive feedback is to either discount it, or to dismiss it outright.

It may be a case of 'you get what you expect' (I.E., if I always dismiss men's compliments, then I become annoying to them and they no longer care about me). It would be hard to care about someone who technically is calling you a liar all the time.

I wonder if I dismissed Dr. X because I find it hard to believe someone (especially a man), cares for me? Maybe the disbelief is about myself? Or maybe I dismiss his kindness to further isolate myself; maybe I push him away right now because I feel like I don't want to be here, and if I can only believe no one cares about me, I could go.

Whatever the reason, it was really rude and impolite of me to discount, dismiss and to think Dr. X's was being disingenuous when he complimented and reached out to me. I apologize for that, but I won't "ruminate" on my mistake. I will learn from it. I have learned from it.

Guest Blogger - Observations on Habit

Today's blogpost is written by a friend of mine "Moana"(the ocean). She is witty, intelligent, caring, thoughtful and beautiful. Despite all these great attributes, she too struggles with longterm depression. She mentioned she was writing a piece about her habits, how they inform and maintain her depression, and how she might change those habits. It is a beautiful piece about her struggle to recover and overcome habits she feels feed her symptoms. I suggested I post it on my blog Enjoy!

[Written] January 5, 2009

by Moana

Observations on Habit

Some behaviours and habits seem harmless when pursued consciously, and not at the cost of other more positive behaviours or activities. These contrast with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, lying, or cheating which have detrimental physical and social repercussions.

In the past I have used cutting my body with a razor or needle, over exercising, overeating, restrictive calorie regimes, drinking, and smoking as ways of coping with the uncomfortable feelings that are aroused around the control and ownership of my body and my sexuality. Now with the occasional exception of a cigarette and overeating I no longer use these first coping skills. Yet the negative feelings and confusing thoughts persist. How do I cope? Here I take for consideration that certain so called harmless pastimes may not be as benign as I have believed. They restrain me, keep me passive and ignorant and unengaged in my life. These are: overeating, tv watching, moodiness and oversleeping.

Why do these behaviours?

I do these behaviours to stop me from feeling strong emotions such as anger, hurt, sadness, fear and strangely - excited anticipation. These first began as my sexuality emerged as a girl and a teenager. I was afraid of this powerful force within me and my ability to attract men, including my father. I developed physically before other girls and had no idea what to do with this attention, especially from my father. He made me afraid of my sexuality by punishing me, frightening me, mocking me, isolating me from group activities, and ultimately molesting me. So I held back in fear.

This caused me to disconnect from myself, my body, a lack of engagement with myself and pulling back from wanting something out of life because I equated all wanting with sexual desire. It has made me satisfied with less because I feel I don’t deserve better. I don’t stand up to the fear by requiring more of myself.
As I engage in these habits I tell myself that it’s okay to do them because;
It’s just this once, I won’t do it again, I’ll behave better in the future, I deserve to feel bad, and I have lots of time to change.

Cognitive Distortions

The cognitive distortions that I am making are; no one will love me because I have needs so I am dirty so why should I try. I will always be rejected because the behaviours that I have used to mask my fears such as overeating have actually caused the fears I have to come about; too much overeating makes me fat "asexual" (but safe). Another way I avoid sexuality is to remain a child; docile, passive, manipulate able. As a child I am uninformed, I watch tv. Other peoples wishes are more important than mine. It is bad to have wants/needs/desires sexual and otherwise. To want something is to ask for what I deserve; respect and consideration.

I can address these thoughts by saying:

It’s okay to want or desire, it isn’t dirty, I didn’t do anything wrong by becoming a sexual being.
I have almost never been rejected or had poor results when I try hard
It’s okay for me to get my own way as everyone else is.

What true spiritual hungers are not being satisfied because of sleeping, tv watching, overeating and moodiness?

To make a contribution to the world
To express my full self
To know
To love and be loved

What alternative behaviours could I substitute that would replace these passive habits and allow me to fulfill my true wants as above?

Overeating: Recognising that the way I eat, quickly, unsatisfying food in front of the TV is NOT fulfilling any sensual desire. It just makes me fat and disconnected from my feelings.

• Replace with filling myself up with love or knowledge instead. Talking to people and learning. Acknowledging sensual pleasures other than eating.

TV Watching: Distracts me from true feelings and circumstances in my life. Stops me from spending time achieving the accomplishments that I crave. Mentally unstimualating. Entrenches passivity not debate. Pacifies me from developing what might be (adult) opinions that might be challenging to my family and others. Fills time that I could be making a contribution through meaningful work or expressing myself. Is a dilute form of knowledge. TV dulls me allows me to be absorbed in something that doesn’t give back to me.

• Replace with reading, going to cultural events, making music, making art, writing, (my desire to express myself). Prepare myself to say what my truth is – "This is how it is for me" ("like it or not…") Takes hours of time that I could spend loving and being loved. (If I could trust that that could happen; take a risk)

Oversleeping/Napping: When I feel strong emotions (including excitement), I go to bed to sleep it off, which dulls the feelings down. The fear or anxiety that I feel at expressing myself, through art, writing or conversation passes somewhat. I literally tire of the repetition of my unachieved ambitious thoughts. I seek to quell them by knocking them out. A lot of the mechanisms that lead to TV watching also apply here.

• Instead I could be expanding my experiences, becoming loving and knowing and expressive and as above with TV watching and overeating.

Moodiness: This is a hard one. I let my moods dictate what I will do with my day (and my life) rather than my ambitions, which frighten me (wants-desires=bad/dirty). I know I can accomplish things when I am not well, sometimes better than when I am, or at least under certain conditions.
The negative aspect of my moods keep me in a fearful childish dependant state. When I am moody I feel shame. I would like to have positive attention from achieving and being whole rather that the negative attention of pity and sorrow.

• Instead of giving into my moods I can use my words and language to express my truth – I am sad, fearful, upset, excited about…I can form my emotions into physical manifestations; art, writing, meditation, conversation etc instead of letting them fester inside me toxically for years.