I'm Tired

I sat in front of Dr. X today, so sad and lost and empty. I felt like I was going to crumble into a pile of nothingness. I told him I have had thoughts of suicide. I want so badly to be able to speak this truth out loud to someone without fear of hurting them, or their rejecting me for my intensity of pain and depth of failure to become "well".

I try hard to believe this person is Dr. X. He's trained to deal with this stuff. Something inside me make me hold back the details with him too. I am scared my thoughts/plans/ideas/visions will hurt him, in the way just having the thoughts seems to hurt others.

While we are talking he says something using the word "dialectics" and alarm bells go off in my head. I think he is referring to helping someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the treatments for which is DBT...and I immediately think he is mistaking my having these thoughts for borderline behaviour. I feel scared; completely misunderstood and misread.

I can't speak the entire truth to anyone.

The thoughts are intense, powerful and detailed. I suspect they will disappear only when they have been successful. I want the detailed plans and visions out of my head. I want the thoughts to disappear.

My sister calls and asks how I am. Usually, I can feign a, "fine". When she calls I am so depressed I have no energy to outright lie..so I say; "I am so depressed right now, I can't take this anymore". She is silent on the other end of the phone. The silence feels cold and it draws a clear line: "do not tell me anymore!" I was about to say, "I want to die", but instead say, "I'm okay".

Then the niceties begin...both of us knowing what I did not say. An invitation to visit her place is forthcoming, but I have no energy to cook, or eat, or stay out of bed, let alone drive for 5 hours. What I really want is her come to me, like my Mom might have. The empty space, between small talk, on the phone only proves to heighten my sense of loneliness and despair.

Dr.X asked me to find reasons to live. I thought of three:

• My dog...he needs me.
• My sisters would be hurt if I died
• I don't want to hurt Dr. X

But, I could provide for my dog to be taken care of, I could write notes to my family and Dr. X assuring them I know they tried so hard to help me. letting them know I love them, but I can't manage anymore. On some level I am certain it would be a relief for my sisters to see my pain end.

That is what I want. I want this pain to end.