Monday, July 20, 2009

Rivers Run Through Me

I'm just tired, depressed and worn out. I used to believe I would get well again; I mean almost completely well like I have after my other depressive episodes. I don't believe that anymore, and even Dr. X. has told me it is likely I will always have to manage some cycling up and down.

I know he is right. I see others having to manage cycling, even when it appears their illness is being well managed with medication

I have been having intense thoughts of suicide off and on all weekend. I envision myself hanging myself: how I will hang, where and what it will feel like. Most of all I daydream about all the relief I will feel as I slip into unconsciousness. I watch myself lift up a gun, arifle and shoot myself in the head. The violence of both ideas points to how anxious I have been all weekends. The more anxiety I feel, the more violent the methods of suicide I imagine.

My boyfriend told me to stop worrying the other day. He asked me why I worry so much. I don't know. I cannot remember a time when I did not worry. I remember, even when I was 5 or 6, worrying about all kinds of things. It seems like I was born worrying.

I told him, for me, worrying is a symptom of my illness. I think it is a material structure in my brain that makes me worry. Some kind of negative feedback loop in my brain has worn a path so deep into the forest of neurons and dendrites, the chemicals flow like a river down these worn paths; rapidly exchanging negative thoughts, beliefs and ideas down this canal. It is difficult for any positive ideas to cross the deep riverbed created by years and years of bad thoughts.

I feel like I do not want to keep trying; like trying so much takes all my energy. This past week I have slept, and slept and slept. I have slept in, slept late, napped in the afternoon, in the evening and then gone to bed early and slept in late. I want so badly to just disappear, for it to end, for my life to go away.


EJA said...


I don't know what to write here. Many times I read your blog and it seems that you are writing down my own thoughts.

I get irritated when people try to reassure me, so I won't reassure you. Is it enough to know that you will always have support/ company/ people who love you?

Sometimes when I feel this way I just want to know
that I am safe.

I also get irritated when people tell me that these feelings are "just feelings", etc etc etc etc. But sometimes when I am feeling intensely anxious-- and I feel like I am going to fall apart, I'm scared, I feel like I am desperate to die, etc-- I try to tell myself that I am in the middle of an extraordinarily difficult, painful, horrific physical test of endurance. (I usually imagine that I am running a 100 mile race. This might sound ridiculous. But I used to run and I used to have a 100-miler as a goal, therefore this kind of visualization works for me). I try to imagine how much my mind would betray me in this race, and how hard I will need to work to steel myself for this challenge...I imagine what I would have to tell myself to get through this kind of race. I try to relax into these thoughts, because they show me that I am hurting, and that this is difficult...but it just a thought, it just means that I hurt and I am redlining it, but if I make it to the next aid station I will be OK.

I hope that this doesn't sound trite or stupid. Maybe I'm not describing it very well. I just know that for me sometimes it feels like everything is so desperate and overwhelming, I am scared, I want some kind of physical and mental relief....and if I tell myself that I am just engaged in some kind of physical test-- that this fatigue and desperation is a sign that I am working hard and pushing myself-- if I remind myself that there is always an aid station just up ahead (for you this would be Dr. X on Thursdays, and maybe seeing other people you love etc) then somehow it makes it easier to just sit with this.

I'm also sorry if this is a long post. I don't want this to be trite or irritating for you. I know that desperation that you're talking about-- or else, I think I do, maybe it is irritating if I say that-- and I know how panicky it can feel to think that you will not be able to keep going.

I love your blog. I love how honest you are here. You write very well. I see that you struggle and I see that you are always fighting that, you have GRIT-- I wish that I had your grit! Just keep reminding yourself that you have GRIT, you're tough, and you can outlast those thoughts.


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Aqua, I wish I could pull up a chair, brew a nice relaxing cup of licorice tea and sit with you in this hole. If I could dig a tunnel from my hole first to meet up. It would be nice to vent and not feel so alone as a group.

Like Eja said, it does suck that we have to spend the rest of our lives cycling yet I have found some comfort in the idea that there are others down in this forgotten abyss with me.

I'm so glad to be able to hear your voice through this blog. You help keep me sane and going. Sending you thoughts of kittens and tropical waterfalls. United we conquer!!!

xthedestroyer said...

I totally concour with both the statements above me. I hate to be all falsely reassured myself, yet at the same time I want more than anything to be able to communicate with someone who understands what kind of hell I am going through. Much like yourself, Aqua, I have been going through some horrible times of late and I have actually had a lot of the same thoughts you have as well. You're definitely not alone. In fact, about a month ago, I attempted to act upon that and almost succeeded. Thank God it didn't work, cause now I know that not only am I not alone in feeling like this, but there's others out there who need support and help still. You just keep reading these comments, listening to your boyfriend and doctor and remember, we feel your pain. We care. Very much. You are one of us and therefore we must not only help you, but protect you as well. You're family......and therefore precious to us. If you have trouble believing, just read some of the comments that have been made. Trust me, you are part of a family that cares. Very much. Take care.....

Aqua said...

If I have grit it sounds like you do too. Your ideas definitely don't sound "trite". They sound interesting and powerful, and they also sound like they work for you...that's important and powerful. Thanks for the comment.

I hope one day we can meet up, because I too see so much of me in you and you in me. My tranquility thought is "calm blue ocean"..sending those thoughts your way.

Hi xthedestroyer,
It is so good to here you are okay after acting on these awful thoughts. It sounds like you have a real connection to helping others. hang on to that in your darkest moments. Take care of yourself please. The world needs more people willing to help others.

Harriet said...

Aqua, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You are always so supportive of me when I have these feelings, and I just don't know how to make you feel better. Just remember that there are people out here who love you and want you around.