Tuesday, July 28, 2009

This needs to End...NOW.

I am scared of what is happening to me. My mood is cycling all over the place and the switches are shifting suddenly into either my behaving in weird ways, or I suddenly become so intensely and severely depressed I fear I might hurt myself.

I woke at 7am this morning. The second I woke I felt that black pit of hell in my stomach. I was so depressed I felt physically ill...and it got worse. At 7:30 I was trying to make a coffee, and I picked up a knife (the only thing close) to stir the water and coffee in my french press, and suddenly I had an intense urge to end it all; to stab myself over and over 'til it was all over and finally I was at peace.

It felt so urgent; as though stabbing myself was my destiny. I stood there frozen, helpless to stop myself, and the urge kept getting stronger and stronger. I felt compelled to do it.

I don't know what happened because one minute I was feeling compelled, and the next I was crying. I sat down and stared at the wall, unable to manage even a thought. I sat there so tired/fatigued I couldn't move. I sat there dazed and empty, in some kind of void...maybe in a dissociative state??

Even at 8:00 am it was so hot and humid. I wasn't feeling safe at home, but I had no one I could call. It was too early in the morning. I pulled myself out of the chair about a half hour/hour later, dragged myself and the dog out the door, and went to the ocean for both of us to cool off. It took every single ounce of my energy to get up and leave the house.

I sat on a log and cried. I felt, and feel, so lost; so completely and utterly confused, hopeless and unsure about what is happening to me.

Just the day before I was feeling pretty okay. Maybe a bit better than okay. All day the day prior, I was extremely sexually charged. To the point where I just could not get enough. When my boyfriend left for home I started looking at porn on the internet...and did so for hours, until 1:00 pm.

I know I have expressed my having watched porn before, but, but then, as was the case yesterday, this both is not "typical", or "normal" behaviour for me. Also, I have never watched 7-8 hours of porn before. It's just lately I have this insatiable sex drive and I can barely manage it. There is more to this behaviour, but I am too embarrassed to write about it. Surprisingly I do have a modicum of modesty left in me.

So last night I am okay, and this a.m. I sank so low I didn't think I could make. This has been the type of cycling that is happening, and I can't handle it anymore. I don't know what to do, because at this point, 8 years into this episode, it really does look like here lies my destiny...to be completely out of control of my mood for the rest of my life. I can't handle that.

2 comments:

Hannah said...

Aqua
I'm sorry to read this, I really feel for you hun. It's really good you still manage to get out of the house though and walk the dog, at least this shows you're able to fight against whats happenening.
As far as the increased sexual appetite goes - do you think it could just be a way of releasing a whole load of pent up energy? More of a physical thing than a perversion?

Hann xx

Harriet said...

How are you doing now Aqua? I'm worried about you.