Singing Lessons

Eva Cassidy - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Just came home from my first singing lesson. It was not easy to either go, or to actually get myself to sing in front of someone, but I know this will be so good for me if I can manage not to run away with my tail between my legs.

First off....all day I have been BEYOND wired. I have so much energy inside me I feel like trying to contain it is creating a bomb. I am afraid I will explode any second. Because I am trying hard to be and appear 'normal' I am so tense inside and I can barely breathe.

This was the big problem I had in my singing lesson; not the fact that I didn't know how to breathe properly for singing, but I was so anxious...close to panic, that I kept FORGETTING to breathe. Since when did breathing become a non-automatic thing to do? God anxiety is brutal. I swear I feel like I have shoulders as stiff and hard as rocks and my lungs want to clamp shut on me.

Anxiety aside, and I am still extremely anxious 2.5 hours later, and was anxious the whole time, ...anxiety aside I am so glad I went.

The teacher is really into old Blues/Jazz songs and our tastes in Blues/Jazz are the same. She taught me some cool exercises to help my voice loosen up and get myself breathing properly, while at the same time practicing scales.

Oh yeah...in one of the exercises I get to howl, as loud as I can like a wolf. Start as high as I can and go as low as I can. How fitting is it that I get to howl given how much wolves figure in my anxiety and fears. Maybe now I get to talk back to them!!! Look out!

After that I went down to the music store, bought a couple Jazz music books and looked into taking piano lessons (eeeeeehhhhh!) (Loud high school girl scream of excitement!) I really, really want to do this. I love music so much. More than any art form in the world. I really want to sing, and learn to play the piano.

P.S. The video above is the rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I am going to practice and learn with my new teacher. I am singing "Blue Moon too...it is beautiful.

Oh yeah...the best part:

My teacher said I have a "gorgeous voice" ..."powerful" (quotes), she said. She said my tone is great and my pitch is good...My range is good. It's a matter of learning to breathe and train what I already have going for me.

She really did go on about how much she liked my voice. I could tell she was being honest too by the way she kept telling me. She is thrilled to have a student who wanted to learn the kinds of songs she wants to teach...And I am thrilled she likes those songs. Fifteen minutes into the lesson she asked me if I wanted to join the choir she teaches on Wednesday nights at a big arts centre in town. I am going to do that after I take a few private lessons.

This is so good for me. I think next time will be easier as hopefully in two weeks I will have slowed down a bit. Dr. X said I am still having Valium withdrawal and that's why I am so agitated. Regardless, I am going to be afraid and do it anyways.

Puppies and Behavioural Therapy

Dr. X said something interesting to me in my session yesterday when I was telling him about how my new cute little puppy and I are doing. I was explaining that I was taking a bit of an authoritarian approach with the him (the dog...not Dr.X ;>)

From my perspective it is better, and more manageable, to begin to set clear boundaries and expectations with a puppy who is 22.5 lbs, than to try to get an 80lb dog to change it's behaviour, or do what you want it to do

When I say "authoritarian"...I don't mean my Dad style, scare the crap out of you so you never make a mistake type treatment. That kept me in line while my Dad was watching, or if there was a possibility I would get caught, but left with difficult to control wild streak the second I left home.

With my puppy I am setting clear boundaries and using praise, not punishment, and a few other techniques that really work. I believe in the idea that dogs are pack animals and still maintain many of the behaviours of pack animals. In keeping with that I believe every pack has a leader, its Alpha dog. The job of the Alpha is to protect the pack and ensure it continues to exist and flourish. That's my job

It is up to me to establish my being the Alpha while little puppy is still a little puppy vs. a big dog . I do not want an 80lb boxer trying to become the head of our pack. My husband really should be second in line...but he is not being as consistent as I think he needs to be

Anyways, I have had the puppy a week and he is smart with a streak of stubbornness in him, but here are some tricks I've learned...and it really works. (I got some of these out of the "Puppies for Dummies" book...you know those yellow and black books that teach you all kinds of things. Some of these books are very good (the drawing one is great) and they are easy to read if you have difficulty reading, or with concentration, because you can just read snippets of sections to get really clear ideas. Other things I learned from my Dad when he trained and worked with police dogs

First thing that is going well. I have established a "potty" place and am teaching him to pee/poo on command. He pretty much has it down. I just repeat, go pee, or go poo...and the important thing...do not look at them, ignore them while you say it...as soon as I stopped looking at him ...he began to go. The idea is that an Alpha would not keep looking back on the pack. They LEAD the pack. This idea is great because it is easy to cleanup after the dog

Second thing I have taught him...and he's REALLY good at it, is to heel. I immediately insisted the puppy either walk behind me or directly to the left of me. if he tries to move ahead I just give him a bit of a quick tug, reposition him and walk a bit faster. Within two days he was walking slack leashed beside or behind me MOST of the time...a few little hierarchy takeover attempts, but a polite correction by me and a hug and "good boy" when he gets back into formation and we are off again

The other thing I learned about this behaviour is that if you walk ahead with confidence, even continuing walking if they sit down, they catch up quickly, because they want to be near you...so just keep walking if they stop and they will follow

The coolest thing is that today, because he was so good at heeling I took out my bike and taught him how to run beside me on my bike through the blueberry field. We did a few slowish, short runs, because young puppies shouldn't be exercised to much, but he was awesome at it. We had great fun.

I am teaching him to sit when a car comes in the driveway, and when someone approaches us. Both for the safety of the dog, but also for the people. There is nothing I hate more than an adult dog who jumps up on you when they greet you. 20lb puppy...sort of cute jumping up to say hello...80lb dog doing the same thing a disaster waiting to happen

All the stuff I am teaching him are like games to him. He's sucking it all up like a sponge and loves the attention he gets when he "gets" a command.

Lastly, one of the first things I read was to introduce your puppy to as many sounds: loud, shrill, sharp, annoying etc, as you can before they are 16 weeks. So I have been doing that in the house with the vacuum cleaner, the hairdryer, mixer, etc.

I learned yesterday that if your puppy is scared of a noise, or scared of something the last thing you are supposed to do is bend down, pet the dog, make eye contact and reassure him. (Which is definitely what you have the urge to do...i.e."Oh poor puppy, its okay" ) This places you (in the dogs eyes) in a subordinate position, where now it's his job to protect you. It can lead to a over protective dog, which can lead to aggressive behaviour.

Instead, you are supposed to pull the dog on the lead closer to you. Place the puppy between your legs, hold them slightly tight between your legs (this reassures them that you will protect them...like an Alpha would), stand tall, remain calm and say good boy/girl in a calm, firm voice, while the noise or thing scaring him goes on.

I was skeptical of this one, but today when I took my bike out it needed to be washed (I haven't ridden it in years years..argh! The noise of the power hose spray freaked the puppy out, so I left the hose on, went over to him and put him between my legs, stood tall, no eye contact, acting like the noise was not significant. He immediately sat down. I returned to hosing of my bike and he sat there super calm, no longer afraid of the noise.

It happened again when I took out the air compressor to pump up my tires. I did the same thing and "voila" he could have cared less about the sound after that.

This whole post does actually have something to do with my mood disorder, or at least some of the symptoms and behaviours I have that feed my depression. One of them is difficulty being an authority figure. I am always afraid I will be rejected, or not cared for, or thought as mean, or uncaring. Afraid I will be unloved. This has greatly affected me in the jobs I have had, because each promotion brought on more 'authority" which to be became synonymous with stress and isolation.

The interesting thing Dr. X. pointed out was that this puppy training is great behavioural therapy for me to practice being the authority figure in a way that is loving and respectful, but also ensures I get what I am requesting and still remain cared for.

He's right. In one week I have taught the puppy a lot, but he has taught me that he loves me even more when he knows what is expected of him.

Oh yeah...note to self: the bike ride and running made for a much calmer dog this evening. Keep this up. We both need the exercise.

Please Welcome My Newest Family Member

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Please welcome the newest member of my family into our community:

...drum roll please...
My new puppy is 12 weeks old and he is at my sister's now. She says he is a great puppy; calm, sweet and well behaved (we will see how long that lasts!!). My nieces have been walking him around on a leash, He slept through the night. Wow this might be easier than I thought??? (Probably not!) I pick him up on Tuesday.

Please welcome my adorable puppy into my community of friends.

Creating a Community For Myself: Part 2

My last post about this topic was a bit long winded...so here is a brief overview of both why I think all I said needed to be said, and the major points that I found important for myself (and I hope for others) while I was writing the piece.

There are so many aspects of "creating a community" that are helping me and, I think can help others who are having difficulty with their mental illness, gain some hope. I think some of the most important points in the previous post "Creating a Community for Myself: My Path towards Resiliency" are:

1. That my illness has been refractory to all treatments and has been severe (I hope that will help others in similar situations see it is possible to begin the healing process, even if other treatments aren't working). It is not as though I had/have an easy illness to treat or help. I know when I was/am really ill I get really annoyed when people, whose illnesses seemed less aggressive than mine, wrote uplifting pieces about how they "healed" themselves. I never felt they spoke to me. I wanted others to see it is possible to really be struggling with symptoms and, with enough of the right support and structures in place, still manage to help themselves.

2. That I had to try many things and make many attempts before I began to feel comfortable and confident. Creating a community has not been easy and has been fraught with setbacks...but with the support of my psychiatrist, and finally the community I fit into, I have been able to keep trying.

3. That external motivation was one of the most important forces that helped me succeed. I didn't succeed because of will power. I succeeded because I had responsibilities, schedules, expectations and tons and tons of non-judgemental support , from my pdoc, my new found community, the Occupational Therapist who believed in me and took me on as an apprentice.

4. That there is a sense of spiritual connection and personal feelings of being valued that helps one begin the healing process when they find, accept , create and become involved in, the community that is right for them.

I am not saying this discovery has "cured me", or "healed me"...but it is definitely increasing my quality of life and my ability, and desire to live with, and in spite of, my mental illness and its disabling symptoms.

The Photographer in Me

July 2006, In memory of my Mom the summer following her death I planted dark flowers all over my deck; almost purple/black salvia, and deep purple heliotropes and I found this deep, dark colour of nasturtiums and planted them everywhere. My Mom absolutely loved nasturtiums and I absolutely loved my Mom. I love this photo. It feels so solitary, yet peaceful.

I have a thing for fungi. I love all the different kinds of mushrooms, toadstools, and fungus I find everywhere. You have to click on this image to make it huge to appreciate the beauty and perfection of these tiny fungi.

I took this in December last year (2007). I was walking my dog Bert in the blueberry field, as I turned the corner the sky in front of me turned black, but the sun shone intensely behind me. I ran all the way back to the house (few acres) to get my camera, because the light behind me was bouncing off the the white bark of the birch trees and they were almost glowing in front of the black sky. The dark and light intensified the red in the wintering blueberry bushes, and the green of the moss. It was not quite as dramatic by the time I made it back with my camera to take the picture, but I still love the contrast and intensity of the red and green.

This is a similar shot, and only a week or so later. I liked the contrast of the dark sky against the snow and again the intensity of the fiery red blueberry bushes.

In my photography I try to relay my spiritual connection to the natural world. Nature always astounds me with her variety, her perfection and the ingenuity with which she encourages and brings things to life, but also in the beautiful ways she assists in the process of death and decay; which itself becomes imperative for her process of renewal. She is pure poetry.

Today is My New Birthday

(Photo: by Aqua, "Transformation", August 2008)

In respect of, and to reinforce the powerful message, Wednesday's dream , "The Wolf Returns", sent me: Today I am changing my life. I am throwing away the old me and moving in a different direction. From this day forward I am reborn.

I will never feel any remorse or guilt over anything I did in the past. I accept that I did what I was able to do at the time. I will never again feel guilt for being depressed, or on disability for depression. I will accept that I did not cause this illness. It happened and all I can be expected to do is try to make myself feel better. I will also accept that sometimes my illness makes it difficult to do anything to help myself. During those times I will do whatever I CAN do to keep trying.

As of today here is the new me:

• I am a painter.
• I am an artist.
• I am a writer.
• I am an art teacher.
• I am a photographer.
• I am creative.
• I am disabled by my depression right now, but I am NOT my disability.
• I will accept my disability income as a blessing and a gift that allows me the opportunity to grow into the human being I am meant to become.
• I will be here today, and present now.
• I will not worry about tomorrow.
• I will soak up today.
• I will see all the beauty in the world, like a new child, through my new eyes.
• My life will be full of beauty, and I will recognize that.
• My new life will be full of love and I will pass that on.
• My new life will be full of compassion, for myself and for others.
• I will accept my mental illness as the catalyst, the mother and the origin of, my new and improved life.
• I will embrace my depression like a mother embraces a crying child. I will hold it, and care for it, and accept that the crying may pass, or it may not, but the crying child is always a beautiful being trying to express his or her needs to the world.

What Happened?

I don't know what happened in my session today. I have been feeling pretty anxious and my mood has been up and down, but for the most part this week apathetic and anxious...Is that possible. Seems to me the definition of apathy would include not caring one way or the other, so why the anxiety?

It is happening again; that same pattern that repeats itself ad infinitum:

• I begin to feel a bit better,
• I start doing things I like (art, volunteering to teach, visiting with friends)
• I take a look at myself enjoying things
• I think, if I can enjoy these things, do these things. I should go back to work! (even though it may only be a few days, or even parts of days of enjoyment)
• Then I start thinking, but if I go back to work I will only be able to work, and at a very part time level,
• And if I do that I won't have any energy to do anything else (given I seem to be able to manage one big thing or maybe two smaller things a day)
• So I will go back to work and stop painting, creating...doing all the things I need to do to help myself feel good.
• Then I will get more depressed
• Then I will have to stop work.

I know I talked about this a few days ago, but it is like a loud tape recorder in my head saying, : "I am doing something wrong, when I enjoy myself at the expense of working". "I am making myself vulnerable to ending up homeless and on the streets when I count on a third party for disability payments". "I am a bad person because I am not working" yadda, yadda, yadda.

So I spent most of my appointment crying. Stressed out about my vulnerable situation, stressed out about my (for some reason) returning angry feelings about my Dad and the way he treats me, and missing my Mom so much I told Dr. X her death feels like a bad dream.

Dr. X. tried to help me see I am on the path I need to be on. I expressed my frustration that I began seeing him in 2001 and here I am in 2008 with many of the same problems.

(Paraphrasing):

Dr. X: "You are making progress.

Me: "Who would say that? I don't think anyone would say that"

Dr. X: "I would, think of where you were in terms of art in 2001 (i.e. none) and where you are now with your art."

Me: Rolling my eyes at the comment.

Dr. X: Why did you roll your eyes?

Me: (Feeling ashamed I was so rude to have done that) I rolled them because I am not an artist. It is not like my art is going to help me get a job, or make money. It is not going to get me anywhere.

Dr. X: said something about it making me feel good doing it(my art) and myself doing myself a disservice by saying I am not an artist. It is not about the money, it is the doing it that is important.

Me: Crying and trying to explain how scared I am about not having a job, and not knowing if I was ever going to manage a job and stay well. (Thinking now: I kind of forgot about the part that I'm not well yet...I guess that is s/b the goal).

Dr. X: You have a stable, safe income right now. Try not to let that worry get in your way.

Me: Just sitting there silently, crying...(Inside my head thinking: " I feel like such a loser and that I will never get well and get a job. I feel like I failed at life. This is not what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to succeed, to prove to myself and my Dad that I am a good person, I am a hard worker. I do want to be something. I'm 43, and I still need to prove my worth to my Dad and anyone I feel thinks the same way as him...the definition of a person who needs to let it go and move on).

Managing my Depression Getting Through the Toughest Days

In a previous post I welcomed my 5000th visitor to ask me a question, or suggest a topic for a post. Deepblue being my 5000th visitor posed the question/s:

"I guess the question I'd have to ask is: what has been the most helpful thing you have done to help manage your depression? or, how do you get through your
toughest days? I guess you can answer either of those".

I am not sure how long Deepblue has been following my blog, or what s/he knows about my situation. I have had Major Depressive Episodes (MDE) since I was 17 or 18. I always managed to pull out of them either on my own, or with a small amount of counselling, until I was 31 or 32 (I'm now 42). At that time I sought long term counselling (2 years/once a week), and then I was referred to an outpatient Cognitive Behavioural Training (CBT) group and then a group therapy program, both of which did not help me at all. I had tried CBT in therapy when my MDE's were mild to moderate, but this time my depression was become far worse than ever before. For about a year my MDE went into remission on it's own (with some residual symptoms...not sleeping, irritable, fatigue).

In the summer of 2001 I became despondent and requested more help from my family Dr. She referred me to the Mood Disorders Clinic and on October 3, 2001 I met my pdoc. He invited me to become his patient. I knew as soon as I began talking with him, that were a perfect match. I agreed and began seeing him for therapy and a search for medications. He and I have worked for 6.5 years to try to help me manage my symptoms and my depression. It has been a brutal and tough journey. No medications worked for me; and I tried almost everything you can think of (more than 35 different medications in total, either alone or in combination with other medications) Part of the problem was that not only do I have MDD, I also have anxiety and OCD problems. I think this makes my depression harder to treat.

Back to your first question: " What has been the most helpful thing you have done to help manage your depression?

Until the last month or two, I would not even say I was managing my depression. I was literally trying to "Survive my Depression". There have been a few things:

1) The first most helpful thing I did was find a pdoc that I could receive both therapy and medication advice from. A pdoc who was supportive, authentic, available, hopeful, intelligent, and who I connected with on a personal level. There were weeks and weeks where all that kept me going were thoughts that "I have an appointment in three days. I can survive until then".

In some of my worst moments I would visualize myself laying on the floor in Dr. X's office (no I have never really laid on his floor). The thought of just being near his calming presence helped me calm down.

I never have told Dr. X. this, but one day he left a message on my voicemail at work asking me to call him. I never erased that message until the day I left work. Whenever I was so stressed out I wanted to kill myself in the staff washroom, instead, I would go to my phone, pull up the phone message, listen to his voice, maybe repeat it a few time and something about his voice magically helped me survive...I know it's weird...but it helped

2. Medication that worked is the second thing.

Years of therapy and support helped me survive and try to get going and begin to "live with my depression", but as soon as I found a medication that helped, I was suddenly able to make a huge transition. Suddenly my anxiety dissipated, I lost most of (not all) my fear of people. I wanted to leave the house (vs.having to force myself out of the house), I wanted to see people, I wanted to experience new things. I felt hope. I saw the possibilities. I became more motivated. I began sleeping better. My mood lifted.

I would not say the medication was a miracle, because I had been working so hard on setting up a foundation to begin with, but suddenly, along with medications that worked, my foundation became like rich soil feeding growing plants and I was finally able to grow and blossom very quickly.

I have to say, the bloom has fallen off my plant a bit lately, but I still feel like I am strongly supported by the medications. I think in the beginning, when the medications first helped my mind was so blown that I actually could feel okay, that I ran with it above any of my expectations. Now I feel more like I have a long way to go to get well, but the medicine will help me get there.

3. Build and Create a life that has meaning and purpose. I have always been angst ridden about my life. Except for the time I was in my third and fourth years of university, and doing EXACTLY what I thought mattered, and exactly what supported my feeling that I was doing something meaningful and purposeful, I have always had a sense that I am wasting my life; that I will die and my life will have been meaningless.

I am really interested in existential psychology, because it speaks to this exact thing. So Dr. X. and I have worked really hard to help me slowly build a life full of meaning and purpose. It began slowly, but initially I thought, maybe if I give back to the world somehow I would feel better about my existence. So I began volunteering to walk dogs at the local SPCA. It was a start. I felt that no matter how depressed I was being around a dog would help me, and it was a flexible, drop in when you can situation, so days I couldn't leave the house, or even my bed, I didn't have to.

I realized I needed something more meaningful than walking dogs, so the next year I volunteered for our city's Shakespeare festival. This time I had to commit to one shift a week. That scared the hell out of me. It meant even if I was sick I had to go. It came with many therapeutic moments. I worked with people who either did not have a mental illness, or were not "out" about it. I struggled. My medication and medication changes made it difficult for me to think straight sometimes. I felt really self conscious. I was terrified. I did it anyways, and I got through the first season. The second season was less difficult, except I became so severely depressed part way through the season that I left, thinking I was going in for ECT. Even though I had to leave it helped build my confidence to try something even more challenging.

I began volunteering at the Art Clubhouse for people with severe and persistent mental illnesses. I took classes there, and eventually I began volunteering to apprentice classes with an O.T. and now I am volunteering to teach classes there. This all during the period before my medications worked.

It was hell, but I also loved it. It was hard to manage my responsibilities when I was so sick, but the structure really helped me leave the house, get out of bed, relearn to communicate with people, learn to lessen my social anxiety by exposing myself to more and more social situations: meetings, classes, and teaching. A structure to depend on, and one that was meaningful, and purposeful to me, helped me live with my severe depression.

4. Writing in this blog

For lots of reasons. First I have met some really interesting and caring people in the blog community. I feel like I able to be so open and honest here. It feels purposeful to me. I really hope that people who come here and are struggling with mental illness see what I write and realize they are not alone. I never want to provide false hope, because so many times I have written about feeling completely hopeless, but I know for me there is something about knowing I belong to a shared human experience that lessens my load. I hope that is what I help people with; providing a sense that we are not alone in this world, or in this battle.

The last question you ask is: "how do you get through your toughest days?"

I wrote a post a while ago titled: "Coping Strategies for Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD)"

probably provides my most comprehensive answer to this question. Honestly, some days I just cling to my life; curl up in a ball and just get through the obsessive suicidal thoughts, plans and urges. Those thoughts always pass eventually, and they always come back too, but I try really hard to just get through each tough moment as it comes and try to not think it will always be this way. Ant then there is always the thought...."three more days until I see Dr. X." I can last three days. I can manage knowing I have his support.

My Soul Wants to Trust

Me: You must have noticed I have trouble trusting?

Dr. X.: No, I haven't really noticed that.

Me: You have to be kidding. I waffle back and forth between totally and completely trusting you and then thinking you are being disingenuous. It is not you though. You have shown you are completely trustworthy. It is me. I don't trust people.

Dr. X. : I have not seen that.

These are moments that make me go huh?

How can I think this, feel this, KNOW I am like this and no one sees that in me. I told him he would see what I meant if he read my blog, because while I believe he is an incredible doctor and I believe he is knowledgeable and I believe we have the best therapeutic alliance I could ever hope for, I often still feel scared. I sometimes feel suspicious or paranoid or afraid of him and our work together.

Dr. X., "You mean like you are afraid it is too good to be true?" [Our therapeutic alliance, his caring about me, his compassion and trustworthiness etc.]

Exactly! Exactly!

Everything I believe in, everyone I trust hurts me or dies, or disappears. I am afraid that if I believe and trust in him I will be hurt the same way the other important men in my life hurt me. It is like I think he is my Dad; someone I always try to seek approval from, try to make care about me and every time I let my guard down and think I can trust him, I can let him in....every time he dismisses me, or does, or says something that hurts me or that reminds me I am nothing. Every time I try I get sent back to square one. The unpredictability destroys my trust (though you would think by now I would just stop trying...but to me that is not an option)

Maybe it is not that I don't trust, but that I trust too much. A friend at the Art clubhouse and I were talking and he said it was funny how you would think so much depression and mental illness would make me jaded, but I'm not.

Me (To Dr. X.): I know you think I am jaded, because you see me when I am so sad all the time, but really I am not jaded. When I feel well I feel like the world is this perfectly beautiful place. I don't know if it is just me, but I am astounded by all the details in life and in everything on this earth. It almost feels like I have achieved some godly state of being when I feel well...I am ensconced in this world that simply is total beauty and it feels breathtaking to stand amongst such sublime surroundings.

Dr. X.: I do not think you are jaded. I think sometimes when you are really depressed you sometimes struggle against being jaded.

I was glad he said that, because I think, in spite of the hell I go through, when I am on the other side I want so hard to believe. To believe in love, to believe in caring and kindness, to believe I am likable, to believe I will be loved, I am loved and cared for. I want so hard to believe that I do make a difference to some people; that it matters what I do, that one day my purpose will become apparent, or even better I will choose my purpose. I want my life to matter.

5 Beautiful Things

From here on in I am going to try to make at least half my posts positive and life affirming. This blog has dealt with so much sadness, anger and anxiety that I think, in order to push my mental health into a healthier space, I need to make at least some of it life affirming.

Dr Shock MD PhD in his/her post, "1 Myth about depression mostly not covered", wrote a post in response to my questioning the myth that states "depression is a treatable illness", acknowledging that this is not always the case.

Some people do not get well with treatments for their depression. For those people it is important to help them live with chronic depression, in much the same way others with other chronic medical conditions (heart disease, diabetes etc.) learn to live with there conditions.

He talks about many of the things my pdoc does: creating a meaningful life in spite of being depressed, mindfulness, and creating a sense of well being in spite of my illness.

It's an interesting post. Anyways, I've decided to show another side of myself.

Here are "5 Beautiful Things" that create meaning in my life:
1) Beautiful Speech
(The below speech by Nelson Mandela was originally written by Marianne Williamson):

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

2) Beautiful Art:
Beata Beatrix. 1864-1870. Oil on canvas. Tate Gallery, London, UK. More. Dante Gabriel Rossetti. (Above image)

3) Beautiful composer with beautiful music

4) Beautiful City

5) Beautiful Song (although I cannot figure out how to get these videos to not sound like mickey mouse is singing)