I Want my Mommy!

I need sleep...argh! I taught my second of 10 drawing classes today. This class has 13 students in it. That is a big drawing class. I hadn't slept most of the night, except (of course) right before I had to wake up. My not sleeping is making me brain-dead. The class was okay, but my word finding problems were much worse than they have been, and they have not been good.

I don't get it. I can think of the object, know what the object is, know exactly how to describe...EXCEPT I cannot remember the word for it. I feel like an idiot. Especially given my vocabulary is usually fairly vibrant and descriptive.

Anyways, I am tired and it is only 2:0pm. I have been tired since I woke up. Note to self: next term teach only one class. Two classes to teach is too much for me, especially with "the cutest puppy from hell" to take care of.

This morning before I left for class I was trying to stop the puppy from eating the cat litter (GROSS!), chasing him as he unravelled xmas ribbon all over the house. As soon as I grabbed the green ribbon he is off again and when I find him he is unravelling the silver ribbon. So I take that away, and find him back at the kitty litter...(BLECK!)

All the while I am trying to get ready to go to do my volunteering and I still have to walk him. So I walk him, come back in the house and begin brushing my teeth. There my puppy is walking proudly out of the bedroom dragging a huge swath of fabric from a box under the shelf.

I take that away from him and then he grabs some felt from a different box. Finally I place him in his crate for an hour so I can leave and my husband will come get him when he's done cutting flowers.

I get home from my class and in the hour he was in his crate he shredded his dog mattress and there is fluffy stuffing EVERYWHERE. He is so cute...but I am getting close to my breaking point. How will I manage another 2-3 years of chasing him around the house trying to stop him from eating everything he comes in contact with. I need to "puppify" my whole house and I can barely keep my house up as it is.

I knew puppies were work, but this? and it has only been a week. Help! I want my Mommy! She always seemed to know how to handle this stuff.

Am I Overdoing Things?

I had a really great session today. It was so full of hope and heard many expressions come out of my mouth about my feeling like I am indeed moving forward; increasing my resiliency.

I'm not sure if others have this experience in therapy, but I often do despite KNOWING my pdoc is perfect for me and is always caring and thoughtful. I subconsciously re-enact life experience situations in my relationship with him. Yesterday when I was describing Dr, Bennington-Davis' speech I felt this intense feeling that Dr. X. was scrutinizing me/re-traumatizing me; as I became aware of the dynamic it felt like my Dad and how he acts/acted towards me when I found something interesting, or wanted him to find what I was saying valuable. I feel bad because I brought that up with Dr. X; although I expressed that I know it is not him, it is my reaction to him, I still feel bad for feeling that way.

I wasn't very nice of me to tell Dr, X. I was feeling some kind of minor re-traumatization. I didn't mean it that way. Part of what was going on was his proximity to me. He was sitting closer than normal to me and I felt he was too close to me. I found that uncomfortable.

Also, I am almost afraid to say I feel better to him for fear of rejection or loss of support. Maybe that was what it was. I don't know. Whatever it was it was nothing about anything he was doing it was me perceiving in a weird way.

On another note: My husband and I just got in a fight about how much I am doing at the art clubhouse and how I am unable to do anything else, including cook for myself, or him, eat properly, go to the store to buy food, clean the house and my intense fatigue at 4:00/4:30 that causes me to sleep for 2-2.5 hrs.

He says I am doing all the work at the studio because I am seeking approval and that all it will take is one person making a nasty comment to me and my whole world will come crashing down. He is concerned that I am burning out now, and will burnout even more if I volunteer more (I want to apply to teach a teen/young adult group as I though thought it would be good experience).

I see some sense in what he is saying, but I also hear Dr X's voice, "use this energy to push ahead" from last summer when I was a bit too high after coming off Valium. I feel like this is similar in that I need to use the energy I have between morning and 4pm to do things that make me feel good.

Unfortunately, like my husband I do see my health re: bad food, not cooking , not eating etc. is at risk, as is my messy house and undone chores. I feel like I have this very limited energy supply and to waste any of it on something I don't want to do, or don't find intensely pleasing seems like a waste of precious good mood and energy.

I am having a very difficult time finding balance in my life at this time. Dr. X. said the crash at 4pm could be a symptom of Atypical depression, and he has also read literature about MAOI's causing a similar experience. It makes no sense to me that the Prozac is causing this phenomena as it has such a long half-life. Whatever is going on I know I need to do more at home, but I really want to become resilient enough to get back to work. Right now that seems like a more important priority.

Paranoia

Just now I started thinking about the whole scenario I just wrote about yesterday. What are the chances that a person I am a volunteer with at the studio would have the exact same thing happen to them at the exact time when I need to do exactly what they were able to do, i.e. stand up and say my symptoms are making me too ill to continue the commitment I made.

Then I started thinking maybe the whole thing was a set-up. (...because of course the world rotates around me....not!). I live in a pretty large city. At the studio there are about 400 members, approximately 20 of whom come in fairly frequently, like my co-worker and I, and some who come in very rarely if ever.

What are the chances one of those people would volunteer to do the exact same position as me and then have such similar circumstances, but be able to follow through on their commitment to themselves, while I tread water and try to save myself from drowning. I suggest highly unlikely and improbable.

I'm feeling paranoid again. (Can you be paranoid if you you think you might be paranoid???) I'm unsure about that one??? I think I'm feeling spied on again. Like the person was checking me out on behalf of my pdoc. I have to say, given what my pdoc is like, this does sound strange as I'm writing it and even highly unlikely.

I always feel like no one gets how I can be so depressed, yet become the person other's need me to be in the moment. For example, I am amiable, conscientious, caring, seemingly energetic during my classes...then I crash the second I leave the situation. Everyone, except those close to me, says I don't act or seem depressed. I think I worry my pdoc doesn't believe how much I am suffering. I am scared I am going to slip through the cracks and end up with no psychiatric help, still severely depressed, no job and no way to be able to take care of myself.