An Outcast

Caution: May trigger. Suicidal thoughts/plans

I am severely depressed right now. I have been crying off and on. I feel disconnected, detached and isolated/isolating. I feel as though I am not really here and have not been for a long, long time.

I feel alone; that aloneness that comes from always feeling like an outsider, like an other, someone unknown by others and someone unknown to themselves.

I have had thoughts of suicide more frequently over the past few weeks, but yesterday and today the thoughts felt unbearable; unendurable.

Today I spent a long time thinking how to commit suicide and have my dog taken care of. The thoughts had no content about how to care for myself, only my dog.

I'm not sure how to protect him and allow myself to go. The worry is that I will kill myself and no one will find me for a long time and my dog will starve or die of thirst. No one will find me because I am alone. No one ever looks for me.

Today I kept looking at all my hoarded meds...thinking if I took them all surely I would die...but as I thought that and prayed for an ending my mind moved into more violent thoughts.

I kept thinking about maiming myself, stabbing myself, slashing myself. It seemed so easy to do. I kept envisioning how the slicing and stabbing would open me up, pour all my bad blood out of me, cleanse me, calm me...the blood flowing out of my body slowly draining me of sadness and pain.

I crawled into bed and fell asleep for a few moments. When I woke the pain and the thoughts were still there, but had lost some of their magnetic pull. I laid there for 1/2 an hour and decided to see if I could visit a friend, just to get me away from myself. I called her and invited myself over.

I didn't tell her exactly how much pain I was in, but I did ask for company and caring. She helped me immensely, just by being there and listening. I feel although I have slipped in terms of mood and returned to the dark side today I utilized a healthy coping technique at the end of all the unhealthy ones...I called a friend for help, and she was there for me. Since I returned home my thoughts have slipped into darkness again, but I remember the time spent with my friend felt good.

Beginner's Drawing Lesson 2: Paper and Use & Control of Drawing Mediums

I should have began my last lesson with the emphatic statement:

"Anyone can learn to draw!" (you too Sara;>)

It takes practice, and practice, and practice...and patience, and you may not learn the same way as other people, but you can learn. Every class I teach, almost everyone starts by saying "I wish I could draw", or "I can't draw"...you can.

The other thing I should have mentioned last lesson, under supplies is paper/sketch pads:

Paper:

1. First one of the best things to buy is a "drawing board". The ones I have are inexpensive ($10-$15CAD), approximately 21" X 30", and come with two bull clips (to hold the paper) and a gigantic, thick elastic band (to hold all your paper when you travel back and forth). It also has a built in handle. This drawing board gives you a smooth surface to draw on and can protect your paper from becoming tattered. I clip a pad of paper to mine.

2. The paper I would suggest for a beginner or student is called cartridge paper. I just looked it up at the art supply store I go to and it is $5.10 CAD for a pad of 40 - 18" x 24" sheets. It is white and is a pretty decent paper for all the drawing mediums we have discussed.

3. Sketch pads: I have three:

a) one is 9" x 12',

b) The other is 11" x 14' . I prefer this larger one. Get one with a spiral binding...it's easier to use the whole page to draw on. Also, look for one that contains acid free paper, and has a good surface for pencil, charcoal, graphite and pen. Ask at the art supplies store if you are unsure.

c) The third one I have is a small hardcover sketchbook that fits in my back pocket. I'm usually a jeans and t-shirt gal and carry no purse because I always loose them. These small sketchbooks can be tucked into you back pocket. That and a pencil can be used like a camera to capture images or interesting things you see throughout your day...people on the bus, the tree outside your flat, the flowers in the garden, the rocks on the beach etc.

Learning to Use & control Each Drawing Medium:

This is fun, relaxing, and can empty your mind, relax yourself before beginning drawing and relieve anxiety or any bad thoughts if you are feeling anxious/depressed.

1. Get a piece of paper and try the following over and over until you feel confident about the feel of each medium and your ability to control the following movements:

a) Pick up your Willow Charcoal:

• draw lines across the page...at first pressing hard and slowly changing to as soft as you can press and still create a mark on the page,
• go backwards across the page hard (dark) to soft(light),
• make the changes more quickly hard-soft, soft to hard etc.
• Draw spirals that change from light to dark,
• Draw thin lines to thick lines
• Draw wiggly lines to straight lines.
• Make up your own lines.
• Do with the compressed charcoal,
• Conte crayons
• All the pencils (2b. 4b, 6b).
• Go slow, fast, hard, soft. light dark, thin lines, thick lines until you feel comfortable using the drawing tools...play, have fun, relax.

b) "Patterning" Part of drawing is often learning to quickly draw repeating patterns, for example leaves on a tree, or grass in a field or rocks on a beach. I have a fun exercise that I get my students to do, and I also provide them with a blank template for them to create their own patterns. Patterns can be nonsensical and can incorporate some of the usage practices from exercise "a" above.

Handouts for, and examples of, the above to exercises:

Specific Patterns Exercise

Make up Your Own Patterns

Examples of some fun patterns

A Collage I made out of "Patterns" done on a small Pad of paper, then on each paper I tore the edges and glued the patterned paper onto a larger heavy paper.

The exercise really helped me learn to control my pencils

Beginner's Drawing, Lesson 1: Materials for Drawing

Last week Dr. X asked me if I could teach him to draw, but only if I didn't feel it took away from what I wanted to accomplish during my session.

Immediately I felt a sense that something was up? Inside my head I was thinking all week..."why is he switching gears this way? What is the purpose of this request. What is his "ploy".

Despite my "suspiciousness" I pulled together some information, drawing materials and ideas to follow though on his request. I was extremely anxious because I kept thinking, "what if my teaching him, only goes to show I am a crappy teacher?"

I was really worried about that: What if Dr. X would not think I was good enough? It mattered to me more what he thought, than what any of my students have thought...and that is: "It matters a lot", because I also really worry about what my students think.

I left the suspiciousness behind and did it anyways. I taught him a "speed lesson" in 40 minutes. I thought maybe I would share some of it with you in case some people who read are interested in drawing:

1) First and foremost I discourage erasing in all my classes. Some of the great master drawers, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Leonardo Da Vinci often worked through and over top of their mistakes. I believe leaving our mistakes allows us to see them so the next time we can work through that error from a different angle.

Mistakes are great lessons and we never want to lose those. This is why I usually begin teaching using charcoal as opposed to pencils for drawing. Charcoal is difficult to erase.

2) Second I always encourage students to sign, date, and write what material/ mediums were used to draw each drawing.

• It is a really eye opening experience to look at the drawing you did in the beginning and see your improvement.
• It is also helpful to watch the progress of your ability to use and control each of the materials.
• Also, by listing the materials/mediums used on different learning projects it will help you latter when deciding which materials you want to use to achieve which effect on a specific piece of art.

Drawing Materials:

Willow Charcoal: Literally burnt "charcoaled" pieces of willow. Very messy, but creates a beautiful range of tonal values right up to a beautiful black. It is what many old drawings were drawn with. My favourite drawing material.

Compressed charcoal: a "man made" version of charcoal; burnt wood or bone mixed and compressed with a gum/glue. The benefits of compressed charcoal are:

• It is not as messy as willow charcoal (although it is still VERY messy)
• It comes in different (h) hardnesses, or (b)"blacknesses". A 2b compressed charcoal stick is much harder and less black that a 4b, which is harder still, and less black than a 6b stick
• I find 4b compressed charcoal to be a good softness/blackness to do most of my compressed charcoal drawings.

Conte Stick/Crayons: Pigment mixed with a harder binding agent than charcoal

• It is less messy that the above "charcoals"
• You can draw more detailed drawings with it because it is harder and doesn't fall apart
• it comes in white, different sepia tones and black. When people began drawing with conte the paper was not white (no bleach) it was brown or even darker, so white was often used to create "highlights" in drawings, where we would not simply leave the white of the paper exposed

Pencils (h=hard, B=black):Pencils are wooden stick with a graphite (not lead) middle.

• I suggest that 2b, 4b and 6b pencils are really what you need in a drawing kit to draw.
• If you use H or Hb pencils you run the risk of create "indents on the paper because they are so light in colour that in order to "see" the drawing you will be inclined to push harder on the paper. It is possible to erase the graphite, but the indents will remain and can negatively impact a great drawing
• The can be sharpened to create a pencil point which can be used to create intricate details in drawings.
• Generally I suggest using a 2b pencil, very lightly to do initial gesture drawings or studies for a drawing. Then use the 2b to lightly create the contour drawing and the lighter shading, then move to a 4b pencil to introduce darker lines and tone, and finally use a 6b to create the blackest tonal values in the drawing
• Remember it is much easier to make something darker than it is to make it lighter. Start out being stingy with the shading
• When pencils are used on their edges they can be used for shading

Graphite Sticks: Sticks of graphite that are similar in shape to compressed charcoal. Basically pencils without the wood around the graphite.

• Can be sharpened and used to create details
• Easier to create tone/shading with than pencils
• Much tidier than charcoal and conte
• However, you cannot get the black tones with graphite that you can with charcoal and conte

There are many more mediums you can use, for example pens, or pastels. Right now this will be what we use in the first lessons.

I taught Dr. X more than this (we did three lessons in 40 minutes...but that was theories and introductions to materials. This week I will introduce the rest of what I introduced to him, to my fellow bloggers (gesture drawing, blind contour drawing and contour drawing). Next week he and I will practice these techniques together.

I figured out his "ploy" by the end of our session. As I was teaching him I watched him watching my gestures and my positive exuberance. I was conscious of the joyous nature exuding from me while I was showing him what I do.

I felt the lightest I have felt in a long time in one of my sessions. It was a good session. Thanks for the reminder that I do love doing some things.