Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sleep tonight,
And may your dreams,
Be realised,

If the thundercloud,
Passes rain,
So let it rain,
Rain down on me,

Mmm mmm, mmm,
So let it be,
Mmm, mmm, mmm,
So let it be..."
(U2 MLK)

I know I wrote of early morning wakings only 5 days ago, but since then I have become Sleeping Beauty. I spent the weekend with 'I'"(my boyfriend). He has a very different sleep schedule than I do. His regular bedtime is 3 or 4am and he wakes around 2 or 3pm.

His schedule works for me, because it allows me to keep up with my other friendships. This is super important to me both because I love my other friends, but also because in the past I have had a tendency to isolate myself from my friends when I have a boyfriend/husband. It always seemed too much to manage both friends and lover if that makes sense.

This weekend, unlike any other, I found myself getting out of bed around 11am (unheard of for me). At 2ish pm I was crawling back into bed until 4pm. As I lay there I knew at least one of the reasons I stayed in bed so late and climbed into bed later. 'I' wraps himself around me when he sleeps.

As we lay together spooning he is so close to me it almost feels like we are one. I am surprised that I enjoy cuddling like this so much, because before, when I was with my husband, I hated it.

In fact, for years we slept in separate rooms because I couldn't sleep with him in the bed. I thought it was because my husband snored and moved around too much, but 'I' snores and it does not bother me at all. Instead, I find it comforting.

I think in part this difference is bred by how ,'I's actions are always warm , loving and caring. He is always supportive, never yells at me, and lets me know he values all I do, or try to do. He kisses me frequently and passionately. He hugs me and and reaches out to hold my hand. His hands wander over my face and body as we talk. He doesn't pull away when we become close.

In short he acts like he cares deeply for me. I need to remember this about him, because I have a tendency to doubt people; to doubt there positive intentions and feelings towards me.

Last week I was in my session worrying about how maybe 'I' didn't really care for me the way it seemed, or the way I did for him. Dr. X reminded me of the possibility of phenomenon called projective identification if I continued worrying this way/or acting like I was worried about all this.

If I doubt 'I's feelings towards me and keep projecting that kind of worry in my conversations/actions with him, it may very well happen or become like I believe: Not because I believe it, but because my actions may begin to reflect my fears causing the other person to react accordingly.

This past weekend I opened up and loved, and kissed and hugged and made love like I knew 'I' was as madly in love with me as I am with him. It was so beautifully perfect.

You know that feeling when you kiss a lover and your whole body reacts and a lustful wave of passion flushes over your whole body? Or when you make love and you want to cry it feels so good? That was how being with 'I' felt to me.

It seems like he feels the same way too...and that felt so good; so good to each of us that he stayed over an extra day.

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