Yesterday (and for the past few days) I have felt so wound up and wired that I cannot slow my brain down. It is racing all over the place from thought to thought to thought to thought...etc. The thoughts aren't good, they are angry, sad, irritable and downright annoying. I really would like my brain to just stop once in a while and be. Do "normal" people's brains take a break once in a while?
My brain goes from, "I am never going to be well" to "maybe this is normal", to "I cannot take this anymore", to, visualizing myself hanging from my bookshelf, to being afraid I wouldn't die (just end up brain damage) to, feeling like "no one can help me (least of all myself)", to "maybe I am making things not work", to, I am overwhelmed", to, "God I overwhelm others, to, " I think I am overwhelming my new boyfriend", to, I am scared I will scare him away", to, "I am scaring him with my wierdness", to, how do I stop this? to, "maybe it would be best for others that I disappeared", to, I focus too much on myself", to "if I focused less maybe I'd get better", to "how the fuck can I not focus when I feel so bad" to, "no one who is not me can truly get what this is like", to "I am selfish", to, "I am bad", to "I am wasting Dr. X's time" to, maybe I should stop my medicine, it doesn't seem to help anyways", to, "nothing helps", to "others need help too I should leave therapy and give others the opportunity to try to get well", to, Why am I stuck here?" etc., etc.
...and that was just the past few minutes. My brain does that over and over all day long.
So yesterday I thought I'd try smoking some pot again...to slow my brain down. It was not a good experience.
I got so high that all I could do was climb into bed. As I was lying there I began to here all the minute components of "white noise". I could hear every little sound that made up the background noise in my air. It was so loud; all the noises were so loud that they were hurting my ears. I couldn't grasp how I could hear anything else while all this noise was going on. The noise became more and more overwhelming. I became so scared that I began panicking. The noise wouldn't stop and I began to hear someone knocking on my window over and over. It scared me so much.
When I looked no one was there. I looked at my dog too and he gave no indication that anyone had knocked or was nearby. I pulled the covers over my head and listened, my heart pounding. Eventually I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up. I don't think this is my drug of choice. Sure it slowed my thoughts down (at least I focused on one thing)...but I felt terrified almost the whole time.
My brain goes from, "I am never going to be well" to "maybe this is normal", to "I cannot take this anymore", to, visualizing myself hanging from my bookshelf, to being afraid I wouldn't die (just end up brain damage) to, feeling like "no one can help me (least of all myself)", to "maybe I am making things not work", to, I am overwhelmed", to, "God I overwhelm others, to, " I think I am overwhelming my new boyfriend", to, I am scared I will scare him away", to, "I am scaring him with my wierdness", to, how do I stop this? to, "maybe it would be best for others that I disappeared", to, I focus too much on myself", to "if I focused less maybe I'd get better", to "how the fuck can I not focus when I feel so bad" to, "no one who is not me can truly get what this is like", to "I am selfish", to, "I am bad", to "I am wasting Dr. X's time" to, maybe I should stop my medicine, it doesn't seem to help anyways", to, "nothing helps", to "others need help too I should leave therapy and give others the opportunity to try to get well", to, Why am I stuck here?" etc., etc.
...and that was just the past few minutes. My brain does that over and over all day long.
So yesterday I thought I'd try smoking some pot again...to slow my brain down. It was not a good experience.
I got so high that all I could do was climb into bed. As I was lying there I began to here all the minute components of "white noise". I could hear every little sound that made up the background noise in my air. It was so loud; all the noises were so loud that they were hurting my ears. I couldn't grasp how I could hear anything else while all this noise was going on. The noise became more and more overwhelming. I became so scared that I began panicking. The noise wouldn't stop and I began to hear someone knocking on my window over and over. It scared me so much.
When I looked no one was there. I looked at my dog too and he gave no indication that anyone had knocked or was nearby. I pulled the covers over my head and listened, my heart pounding. Eventually I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up. I don't think this is my drug of choice. Sure it slowed my thoughts down (at least I focused on one thing)...but I felt terrified almost the whole time.
4 comments:
Hey Aqua,
just caught up on your last two posts - wow! sounds like you've been having a mad time, no wonder your mind is flying around. Seems like events are really racing and going too fast for you to make sense of, maybe you need some real quiet time alone to just sit and take stock of the last few days, work out why you've 'let your hair down' in this way, particularly turning to pot, it could be just frivolous acting out or it could be the start of something more serious? Maybe Dr X can help you unravel some of this?
I really hope you're OK, and the situation doesn't become out of control - stay safe - Hann x
Heya...
Just so you know, I'm not the one from Alberta - but I do check in a few times a day...
I would give Dr. X a call - you're not a bother... This could be many different things.
Oh sister--I hate that feeling. I've been going threw that a lot lately. Especially since I had to back out of a long anticipated gathering of friends over the 4th. I kept beating myself up psychologically and feeling guilty (I'm good at feeling guilty. I thank the Mormon church for that one).
Then more guilt again today after mixing up a movie time with my Dad planned for today. He was cool about doing it tomorrow instead but I've been feeling guilty all day. It gets so exhausting to have to listen to all that self-doubt and inner monologue. I hate the second to second swings in mood. Talk about rapid cycling!! We known that well don't we?. Ugh.
That sucks that pot didn't work. It helps me out a lot. Especially when I'm suicidal. Nothing works as quickly as pot to pull me out of a suicidal spiral. I take just a few puffs and I'm laughing like a jackal while watching cartoons. I don't suggest it for everyone or to be used all day or anything but it does work well as an augment to prescription meds for some people.
There are so many prescription drugs to quickly help bring a person down from a manic high such as Ativan and Xanax but not so for suicidal depression. So I do use pot now and then to help with that but yeah, don't use it if it makes things worse. For sure avoid it.
I hope today is a better day and that you can maybe find some peace outside if the weather is nice. Nature is so helpful for my mood. Though I can't often go out in it myself due to paranoia I can get enough of a touch through other means to be very beneficial.
Sometimes all I have to do is open the window in the back bedroom and breath in the fresh air while I'm sitting on the bed gazing out at the greenery swaying in the breeze. I send you smiles and hugs and want you to know that you will never scare me away. You're stuck with me as a friend--sorry. :)
I just wrote a long reply and the damn computer ate it...grrrr.
Hannah Rach and HBW,
Thank you so much for always being so supportive. It really makes a difference in my life.
I am feeling much better today..of the cycles we endure;>)...I feel hopeful I am back on track.
HBW...I think BC bud is known for its extreme potency. That, and my propensity to paranoia may be the problem with my having a few puffs to calm down.
I really believe it helps, and should be made available to many people with our difficulties.
Even though pot makes me crazy I am a believer in harm reduction (vs criminalization) of all drugs. I believe if we decriminalized drugs, had really great education programs, gov't distribution of drugs, good (and actually easily accessible and available) rehab programs..and strong support systems in place for people coming out of rehab, and safe injection sites, with access to clean needles, rehab and methadone programs...I relly believe the drug problems in both our countries would be so much less than they are.
I feel so sad that so many people are getting arrested for their addictions instead of help...that's my drug diatribe for the morning...ha, ha
Hugs out to each of you,
...aqua
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