Thursday, January 22, 2009


I am really "over the top". I can see I'm going to fast, but I cannot slow down. It is strange, but in many ways I feel like myself again. I am ebullient, chatty, charismatic, and "on". I have tons of energy and feel really good. However, I can see I might be a little annoying too.

I am catching myself talking to loud, too fast, over speaking people, talkling on and on to people I don't even know (people on the ferry, at the store, etc.) ,interrupting, and too enthusiastic (yes, that is possible). I can see I need to back off a bit, but I try and then I do it again. I both hate and love this side of me...the bursting with stories is good, until I find myself dominating the conversation. My energetic self is good, until I find that energy turning into anxiety, irritability, or worse yet, agitation. My effervescent self is good until I overwhelm people with my thoughts and ideas. My energy to do things is good, until I plan a trillion things and manage to do none.

All in all, while I wish I were a bit calmer and quieter, but I certainly would rather be this way than my depressed self. Right now I want to LIVE. It has been a long time since I have felt up for more than a few days here and there.

I slept last night...I think because I took 1000mgs Tegretol and 100 mgs Trazadone, but 12:14am I am wide awake and can't get to sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow too. Yikes. Here's hoping my energy will subside ASAP (for the night) and will return with the sunshine. (Well the fog is thick and solid right now...scary to drive in)


Hannah said...

Hi there, I am experiencing a similar high, my creativity is cooking on gas, which I adore, but I'm also aware I'm in danger of burning out. Waking throughout the night and scribbling down ideas in my journal is exhilarating yet concerning. I have a desperation to make the most of every moment while I'm buzzing like this because I know what will follow :-(
hope you can keep a modicum of control on yours too!

Lindsay said...

I'm a new reader, just wanted to say hello :)

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

I had a bout with hypomania last October and would give anything to be able to live my life that way. I *used* to feel like that, before I fell apart for good.

And then the feeling good tips over into mania and judgement and boundaries go out the window without even realizing it. And that gets dangerous. Especially when the inevitable crash follows.

Did Dr X tell you one time this happened to use the energy while you have it? I remember the one time you wrote a letter to yourself when you were up to read when you were down. Are there other things you can do while you're up to use as resources for yourself when you're down?

Enjoy the up. I am sending you hugs and best wishes that the perfect balance of energy and awareness stays with you permenantly.

Anonymous said...

Make hay whilst the sun shines I say. You deserve this mood holiday after all you have been through. I hope you can get some well needed respite and can lay some foundations for a new future.

Lola x

Rach said...

Aqua, this sounds like mania, no? Maybe your meds need adjusting/tweaking?

Aqua said...

Hi Ladies,
I am pretty up, but I have been so low for so long it could easily be my "regular" mood peeking through. Like Hannah I feel exhilarated.

My normal mood is pretty high. My pdoc says I may be having a bit of a mild hypomania", however I don't think he thinks it is a bad thing. He seemed fine with how I was in my last appointment. I like how I am mostly...just want to sleep a bit more and talk a bit less...ha, ha.