Thursday, January 15, 2009
I Am a Song
Nina Simone, Love Me or Leave Me
If I were a a song (the music, as opposed to the words) right now...this is it.
That constant beat in the background and the flitty scales and the constant steady, speediness of the music, but also some of its airiness and lightness capture me perfectly.
Not sleeping...at all. Can't get to sleep for hours. Then when I fall asleep I am waking 15-20 minutes later and struggling to get back to sleep again. Rarely have I been sleeping more than an hour at a time.
I'd say my mood is up, insofar as I have more energy and feel intense desire to do things (not actually do them yet...but at least I want to). Unfortunately there is a measure of agitation, restlessness or speediness to how I am feeling. This is creating some mood lability in me.
I am frustrated with myself in terms of how I am struggling to "activate". I have to stop THINKING about what to do and JUST DO IT! Therapy is not going to help me if I don't actually do the things Dr. X and I discuss and decide upon. I need to take responsibility and will myself into action. I feel like I am wasting Dr. X's time by showing up and then not doing the work required to help myself.
Things I want to do...and WILL do in the very near future:
1) Singing lessons (I am starting today....Yay!!!! (a bit scared, but excited too). I love to sing. My husband got me lessons for Christmas...best gift he ever got me!
2) Piano lessons. My whole life I have wanted to learn to play the piano. I have time now. I should just do it. Take lessons, practice, learn.
3) Swim or Exercise at the gym everyday....in the early morning.
4) Take an art class (I start one next week...a mixed media class)
5) Paint, paint, paint...draw, draw, draw.
6) Memorize some poetry
For some reason I see these things as "icing" and getting back to work as "cake". It feels indulgent and selfish, almost gluttinous and greedy, to do these things I like to do, when I should be doing what I am supposed to do. I feel like I should be spending more time contributing to society, not just doing everything I want to do. Does that make any sense?