Thursday, January 15, 2009

I Am a Song


Nina Simone, Love Me or Leave Me

If I were a a song (the music, as opposed to the words) right now...this is it.

That constant beat in the background and the flitty scales and the constant steady, speediness of the music, but also some of its airiness and lightness capture me perfectly.

Not sleeping...at all. Can't get to sleep for hours. Then when I fall asleep I am waking 15-20 minutes later and struggling to get back to sleep again. Rarely have I been sleeping more than an hour at a time.

I'd say my mood is up, insofar as I have more energy and feel intense desire to do things (not actually do them yet...but at least I want to). Unfortunately there is a measure of agitation, restlessness or speediness to how I am feeling. This is creating some mood lability in me.

I am frustrated with myself in terms of how I am struggling to "activate". I have to stop THINKING about what to do and JUST DO IT! Therapy is not going to help me if I don't actually do the things Dr. X and I discuss and decide upon. I need to take responsibility and will myself into action. I feel like I am wasting Dr. X's time by showing up and then not doing the work required to help myself.

Things I want to do...and WILL do in the very near future:
1) Singing lessons (I am starting today....Yay!!!! (a bit scared, but excited too). I love to sing. My husband got me lessons for Christmas...best gift he ever got me!
2) Piano lessons. My whole life I have wanted to learn to play the piano. I have time now. I should just do it. Take lessons, practice, learn.
3) Swim or Exercise at the gym everyday....in the early morning.
4) Take an art class (I start one next week...a mixed media class)
5) Paint, paint, paint...draw, draw, draw.
6) Memorize some poetry

For some reason I see these things as "icing" and getting back to work as "cake". It feels indulgent and selfish, almost gluttinous and greedy, to do these things I like to do, when I should be doing what I am supposed to do. I feel like I should be spending more time contributing to society, not just doing everything I want to do. Does that make any sense?

7 comments:

Lola Snow said...

Not icing, they are an investment in yourself. If you want to break it down into a means to an end, and that helps, then sure, it's a route back to work. Or you could just see it like I do, that you are a wonderful, unique person who deserves to invest some time in non-work activities and nuture themselves back to health.

Lola x

Dr Shock said...

Nice song, didn't know it. Take it one step at a time.
Kind regards Dr shock

Harriet said...

Those things aren't icing. It's important for people to do things that satisfy their need for creativity and productivity. No one has an obligation to do anything for society, although most people who are compassionate empathic humans feel a desire to do so. I've always wanted to take singing lessons, have you ever done that before? I can carry a tune occasionally, but I thought singing lessons would also help me with relaxation since it involves a lot of breathing. Keep us posted as to how that goes!

I thought you should know that because of your posts about teaching art I went to the crafts store and browsed the art aisles, looking at materials and books. But I got scared and didn't buy anything. I might check it out again though.

Aqua said...

Lola: Thanks. You are so supportive. I appreciate the feedback.

Dr. Shock: or as my new singing instructor said throughout my first lesson...breathe!

Harriet: Thank you. I have sung in choirs and in school before, but nothing formal.

What kinds of art are you interested in? I may have some info on the types of supplies etc. to start your project, or practice sessions, or whatever it is you want to do with art.

Harriet said...

Thanks Aqua - I was thinking of watercolors. I just like the idea of not painting anything in particular, just colors and feelings. But the watercolors at the store looked difficult, like I needed an instruction book.

Aqua said...

Hi Harriet,
Watercolours are fun and the results can be beautiful. They are less forgiving than acrylics because once you have painted something on the paper you can't really cover it up or change it if you make a mistake.

If you are interested in watercolours I would start with a simple set of 10-12 colours (small tubes)...usually come in a box with tubes about the size of those small toothpastes you get in hotels or in the travel size section at the pharmacy

A couple book from the library about techniques would be a good place to start. Get them and just play with the techniques on watercolour paper until you become comfortable with the medium.

I helped in a watercolour class and even just playing around with different techniques can be lots of fun.

Harriet said...

Wow, thanks Aqua. I'm think I might go out on a limb and try it. I'm going to the library tomorrow!