Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Nightmare, Henri Fuseli 1741-1825
I actually slept last night. Thank god. I increased my Tegretol to 800mgs, took 125mgs of Trazadone and had a couple big martinis. I fell asleep within an hour of going to bed (12:30) and stayed asleep until close to 5am. I still feel wired for sound today, but I am very happy I slept.
I can't explain why sleeping is important to me when, although I wasn't sleeping, I had tons of energy. I guess there is some relief in knowing I got some sleep and in not spending all night trying to force and coax myself into sleep.
This whole experience is making me wonder how much I may need a mood stabilizer. I was trying to go off Tegretol because I thought maybe it was keeping my mood down; not allowing my antidepressant (Prozac) to lift my mood as much as I wanted. I also felt like maybe it was causing my fatigue.
Now, given my insomnia and hyperactive mood after I decreased Tegretol from 1000mg to 200mgs, I am rethinking whether it is wise to go off Tegretol. I guess I am afraid now that the Prozac is maybe lifting me too high on its own. Its not a good high either. There is so much energy behind my increase in mood that while I am "activated", or energized, I am also agitated and anxious. So much so that I do not think I can manage it much longer.
I will take 800mgs Tegretol again tonight and see if I can sleep with 100mgs Trazadone. Maybe if I get sleep for a few nights I will calm down. My brother-in-law and his wife are coming to visit next week. I have avoided them for a couple years now. Always opting out visiting them when my husband goes East to visit. I just get too stressed out trying to put on a face for everyone. It is exhausting.
My husband insists I spend time with them when they visit. I really do not want to be this high when I see them next week. They are really nice, but I'm sure they already think I am crazy. The last thing I need is to be speed talking, interrupting, agitated, irritable and anxious around them.
Unfortunately, we have to visit them away from our house. Travelling and staying away from my own bed is another stressor that contributes to my not sleeping well, and usually to a drop in mood. I am trying to go with the flow, but am really not looking forward to being away from home.