May (or may not) contain explicit sexual content (depending on YOUR definition of "explicit";>} )
Well...hmmm, how do I say this...
I had a really great therapy appointment today. Though it was difficult to get out what I am about to describe, once it came out (no pun intended) Dr. X and I had a really great talk and he had some extremely helpful advice which I think may help others in similar situations.
We started talking about sex; both because sex has been a blessing for me many times as it really helps me relax and feel free, but also because my husband and I are having a bit of a problem with sex over the past year or two.
To begin at the beginning:
My husband and I have had great sex. I am adventurous and willing to explore. He has been a safe and trusted person to explore with.
Lately, over the past year or two our sex has fallen into a rut of doing the same things over and over. I need some variety. Part of the difficulty is that my husband likes his sex a bit rough. Which is fine by me SOMETIMES, but I don't want that all the time. He says he cannot orgasm with slow, or soft sex. (which I know is true).
I like really slow sex sometimes, sometimes I even like it, despite not orgasming. It feels intimate, caring, sublime. I like the "suggestion" of sex, the innuendo about what might happen. I guess a big part of sex for me it psychological...things like submission, letting go of control, role playing, romanticizing, voyeurism, exibitionism, psycological domination etc. I have always believed that sexual desire/preferences are a learned thing. What is learned can be "unlearned" or "relearned" if you are willing to try.
So...I brought this up with my husband. I suggested that maybe, if he practiced masturbating sensually, slowly, lightly; he may begin to desire that kind of sex and it may become more of a turn on than he thinks. I tried to be as compassionate and caring as possible when I brought it up, because I understand that one's sexuality and prowess can be a big thing for men (and women). I didn't want him to feel like I did not like what we do, only that I would like to explore other ways of being together.
He lost it. Told me never to talk to him about it again and that if he had softer, slower sex he would take hours to orgasm. It wasn't an option.
So...I have not had very much sex over the last while because I want some variety. I want to have sex the way I want it sometimes too. I do not want all the sex I get to achieve orgasm to be through mutual masturbation, or oral sex at the beginning of our sex act and always end in really rough sex for him. It makes me feel like we are "doing" sex to each other, me first, then him. I want sex to be both of us experiencing sex together.
Dr. X. and I discussed this. A long time ago he suggested I be the change I want to see. This helped for a long time. I began providing the types of sex acts I like. My husband and I began experiencing each other like we never had before. It was great advice and opened our relationship up to all sorts of exciting things.
This time though I have tried and tried to slow it down, to do things more softly, more slowly etc, but it always ends up getting rough. Dr. X said that Masters and Johnson suggested that couples make time for sexual acts that do not lead to orgasm (massage, masturbation with no orgasm...just the build up to one, and touching that is below the sex/orgasm "thresh hold" that the couple is used to). He said (I am paraphrasing)... if I offer to touch my husband very softly, with no intent to orgasm, but rather an intent for intimacy...he's sure to be pleased with the result, regardless of their not being "closure" of the act.
I think that is true. I bet if , out of the blue, I offered to fellate, or masturbate my husband softly, even if there was no orgasm he would like how it feels. If we did that for a while we may achieve what I want, without my husband even recognizing I am helping him change.
When I left my session today I felt really good about Dr. X helping me talk about this. I marvel at his ability to talk so frankly, and help me so frankly talk, about things I have a hard time bringing up with almost anyone. It seems to me he is able to draw things out of me in a way that makes me comfortable opening up. What a gift he has as a therapist.
The proof of how comfortable he made me feel about the topic, is that I have actually chosen to write, and actually written about, sex. A topic I was having a difficult time getting out of my mouth this morning while with him.