Thursday, September 18, 2008

One of Those Therapy Sessions...

I just got back from one of those therapy sessions that left me feeling cared for, honoured and understood. I went in exhausted...from all that puppy love, but also from a personal situation that has gone in a tough direction.

It doesn't matter what the situation is only that I was able to talk really openly about what I was feeling, and how I was trying to manage the hurt. I asked Dr. X to be really open and honest with me about my communication style. I wanted to hear if I'm doing something wrong.

Often I will ask things like that and I will get positive reinforcement and then I just chalk that positive reinforcement up to his being my pdoc, my therapist, my coach, etc.. I often think he is saying nice things just to help build my self-esteem.

It did not feel like that today. I asked him if he was just saying what he said and, (like always when I ask that question), he said he would tell me the truth and be honest. Usually I am suspicious about this being the case. I never felt that today. I felt like he was a friend willing to tell me both my positive traits, but also my faults, or where I could improve. It felt good to trust.

I now believe he will always be honest. Something about the session today made me BELIEVE that, not just hear it. I like that. I want a straight up relationship. I cannot heal if I fear I am being lied to, either explicitly, or by omission. I cannot change my behaviours if I fear I am being placated, rather than honoured with the truth; even if the truth is difficult to hear.

I need to know myself. Sometimes it takes an other's eyes and ears to help me see that self. I need to understanding clearly, who I am, and how my being the way I am impacts others. I want to improve my communication skills so my social anxiety will lessen. I want to move through this life in in a loving and caring manner, but I also need to learn to say no when I have to in order to care for myself.

Anyways, today was a great session. I feel blessed to be able to continue seeing Dr. X. I hope in my life I can find a job where I am both gifted at what I do and enjoy what I do. From my experiences with Dr. X. I believe he is blessed with those two things. I know that finding a meaningful job, one that I am good at and where I feel can make a difference to someone else, would bring me to that state of being too. I am praying for that day to come. That will be the day I am well.


Polar Bear said...

I'm praying for that day too. I hope we can both achieve that one day. I really do, even though sometimes it is so hard to see even the possibility of it.

I'm glad you had such a great session this week. I had a good one with V too this week, and it's such a high coming out of such sessions.

Hope Skookum is behaving himself - give him a great big scratch on the head for me.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

It's good to hear that your session went well. I understand what you are saying about trusting people to tell the truth. I am like that with my story writing. If the person won't tell me what is wrong with a piece, I don't trust them when they tell me what is right with it.

Aqua said...

Hi PB: We WILL achieve that one day. I am glad your session with V went well. Skookum is...adorable with a streak of mischeveousness in him. I am loving him to bits. Taught him to run beside me on my bike around a short path around the farm...pooped him out and I thing lessened his mischeviaty (is that a word???)

SV: Thanks. Interesting that you bring up the feedback of a story as an example. I went to a drop in writing workshop today and we talked about how to provide feedback about writing, especially in a setting were people are working towards more resiliency from a mental illness and may have issues with self esteem, fears of embarassment, or fears of being rejected. I'd love to hear your perspectives on this.