Dread

I am about to go teach my drawing class. I am filled with a sense of dread. More than anything I don't want to go. I want to stay home. I want to sleep. I want to avoid people. I want to be alone.

I felt like that all weekend and all day yesterday before I had to teach the teen group I teach yesterday evening. Dread.

I feel like it takes every ounce of energy I have. I feel like I have to sleep for hours every day to garner the energy. Even though, once I got to the teen group last night, it went fine, I feel like it was the only thing, besides sleeping and hanging out with Skookum (a responsibility) I could manage. As I walked out the door of the Art clubhouse all the energy I gave up to teach the group dissolved into exhaustion.

I don't get it. If you watched me teach, or participated in my class, or if you were a member at the studio I would seem like a "staff member". When there I manage to pull myself together somehow. The organization and tidiness, the planning and preparation that I cannot manage at home come to the surface, and I seem energized to everyone around me. I would suggest I am energized while there. However, it comes with a steep price. That is ALL I can do that day. I come home and sleep, or before afternoon classes I sleep. I really am dreading my class today.