Friday, September 05, 2008
Okay... I AM angry.
There. I said it. I AM ANGRY! In fact I am so angry I am afraid of it. Dr. X. likens it to a wolf. He says I know the anger of the wolf. I have even been involved in trying to stop an attack by two dogs who were part wolf.
Problem is, during that attack there was nothing I could do. the vicious attack proceeded no matter how hard I tried to stop them from killing my sister's dog.
You can beat the wolf, scream at it, throw massive rocks at its head, but a raging wolf, a wolf that is purely thinking with its evolutionary brain will never stop attacking once the pack mentality sets in. I literally tried to beat the wolf-dogs with giant sticks...over and over and over. Nothing stops a wolf attack once it has begun.
Before I experienced that I always thought I could protect myself from a dog or large animal attack. I better understand that no matter that I am bigger or even stronger, than the attacking animal, if they are intent on a kill I am helpless. They have the evolutionary advantage. They know what to lunge for, how to corner their prey, and how to cut off any means of escape. That is what wolves do.
In actuality, I love wolves. I don't think I would be afraid of one if I saw it in the woods. I suspect they wold be more afraid of me. It is the wolves in my head I am afraid of. The relentless, angry wolves that I try so hard to hold back. I am afraid I have my Dad's rage in me. The rage comes from a sense of helplessness and loss of control.
When I was young and my Dad would hit me, or belittle me, or dismiss me, if it had been relentless over a short period of time I would become enraged inside. I absolutely could not become enraged at my Dad. He would have hurt me even more. He used to say he'd stop hitting me as soon as I stopped crying.
So I would leave go to my room and bang my head against the wall as hard as I could...over and over and over. I was so angry with myself for not standing up to my Dad, for not calling him on his bullying behaviour, for not being able to stop him. I couldn't rebuke him, so I punished myself for not standing up to him.
I am embarrassed to say I still do that sometimes when I feel raging angry, helpless and without control. The problem is now I have added suicidal thoughts and plans to the punishment regiment.
When I was a kid hitting my head against the wall, finally I would stop crying, because the physical pain overpowered the emotional pain. I think that is what happens now when I begin to obsessively think of suicide when I am enraged. The thoughts are so violent, like banging my head, that they actually calm me down. I don't want to die, I just want the pain to be over.