Friday, September 05, 2008

Okay... I AM angry.


There. I said it. I AM ANGRY! In fact I am so angry I am afraid of it. Dr. X. likens it to a wolf. He says I know the anger of the wolf. I have even been involved in trying to stop an attack by two dogs who were part wolf.

Problem is, during that attack there was nothing I could do. the vicious attack proceeded no matter how hard I tried to stop them from killing my sister's dog.

You can beat the wolf, scream at it, throw massive rocks at its head, but a raging wolf, a wolf that is purely thinking with its evolutionary brain will never stop attacking once the pack mentality sets in. I literally tried to beat the wolf-dogs with giant sticks...over and over and over. Nothing stops a wolf attack once it has begun.

Before I experienced that I always thought I could protect myself from a dog or large animal attack. I better understand that no matter that I am bigger or even stronger, than the attacking animal, if they are intent on a kill I am helpless. They have the evolutionary advantage. They know what to lunge for, how to corner their prey, and how to cut off any means of escape. That is what wolves do.

In actuality, I love wolves. I don't think I would be afraid of one if I saw it in the woods. I suspect they wold be more afraid of me. It is the wolves in my head I am afraid of. The relentless, angry wolves that I try so hard to hold back. I am afraid I have my Dad's rage in me. The rage comes from a sense of helplessness and loss of control.

When I was young and my Dad would hit me, or belittle me, or dismiss me, if it had been relentless over a short period of time I would become enraged inside. I absolutely could not become enraged at my Dad. He would have hurt me even more. He used to say he'd stop hitting me as soon as I stopped crying.

So I would leave go to my room and bang my head against the wall as hard as I could...over and over and over. I was so angry with myself for not standing up to my Dad, for not calling him on his bullying behaviour, for not being able to stop him. I couldn't rebuke him, so I punished myself for not standing up to him.

I am embarrassed to say I still do that sometimes when I feel raging angry, helpless and without control. The problem is now I have added suicidal thoughts and plans to the punishment regiment.

When I was a kid hitting my head against the wall, finally I would stop crying, because the physical pain overpowered the emotional pain. I think that is what happens now when I begin to obsessively think of suicide when I am enraged. The thoughts are so violent, like banging my head, that they actually calm me down. I don't want to die, I just want the pain to be over.

11 comments:

Annie said...

Aqua, Your images of your anger are so clear they make me think of you as a young child. I have compassion for you as the hurt child and the angry adult. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I hope your post helps relieve some of the anger and pain. You seem to be doing hard work and I hope it helps. Annie

Aqua said...

Thanks Annie,
In so many ways I feel like I am that small chil. The child who looks up to everyone and carefully does what everyone expects. The child who allows myself to be hurt because I am too afraid to stand up for myself. The child who only really wants to find someone to hold her and love her unconditionally, but the mother who did that has died. So me, the child feels so alone in this world.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

I absolutely love the picture of the wolf you used. Good for you for acknowledging your anger. Keep up the good work on understanding it, where it's coming from, who the real target of is and how you can manage it safely. This is no easy task. I have such admiration for you...

{{{HUGS}}}

Aqua said...

Thanks SV,
I have a lot of admiration for you too. I specifically choose that wolf picture because it seemed to represent both the wolf's anger and his helplessness. The wolf seems to be laying down, or helpless in some way, yet trying desperately to protect itself even when in a vulnerable position.

kara said...

thank you for being so open. can i say that i am proud of you without sounding chessy or "knowing you"? your giving me hope. now that i'm not depresssed and a tad on the hypomanic side, i have an awareness of hwat i need to work on in therpay. i shared it with my therapist and will start this week on a deep issue that will bring up deep seated anger, hostility, rage...in me. i won't be able to really blog about much of it b/c it deals with people who know...

i hate anger. i, too, don't want to be angry or mad at people unreasonably. i am kinda scared of what this is going to bring up, but...

it seems the work you are doing will eventually come to fruition and that anger in you will subside. keep on keepin' on and take care...kara

Aqua said...

Hi Kara,
You don't sound "cheesy", you sound sweet and caring. I think anyone who reads my blog "knows me".

I am pretty open about who I am here. If you met me I think you would not be surprised by much except maybe you would notice I laugh a lot more than you would expect, which doesn't come across in the blog much.

I am glad to hear you are recognizing things you want to work on in therapy. Insight is a big step. Anger is a hard thig for me to address. It feels unfeminine and confrontationl.

I'd say I am a feminine tomboy (ha, ha). I like to dress up and be a girly girl, but I'm also a super down to earth, get my hands dirty kind of person.

I hate confrontation though. It stresses me out so much, so anger is a difficult emotion for me to have, because I feel I have no outlet for it.

Cesar Julian said...

This reminds me of myself as a young boy. It feels like I was always running from my dad in confrontations. I have trouble saying I didn't deserve it, but him losing his temper with me pushed me to the point of wanting to end it all. My mother would try to console me and sometimes even apologize for my dad's anger. Eventually that wasn't good enough anymore, there was too much resent and I pushed her away. It's hard having parents you can talk to, but still not be able to communicate your feelings.

Thanks for showing me I'm not alone in my frustrations, Cesar.


p.s. I love the photo of the wolf, it's actually how I came upon this post.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post. You are so brave to share. It is also my story - except I am now trying to be kind to the wolf inside my head. It is scared, and doing its best to protect me.... Nobody else has ever tried to protect me. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

you deserve to be happy not sad, happy you are rarer than a quark and more precious than the earth so live and dont let no one hold you down prove to yourself that you can overcome your problems by making people feel better then you will feel like a good seed and that you are meant for good stuff and after that live long and happy for the things that make you happy you earned it and show them that you can be a good person that no matter what you will be good and trust me YOU WILL HEAL

ignacio said...

you deserve to be happy not sad, happy you are rarer than a quark and more precious than the earth so live and dont let no one hold you down prove to yourself that you can overcome your problems by making people feel better then you will feel like a good seed and that you are meant for good stuff and after that live long and happy for the things that make you happy you earned it and show them that you can be a good person that no matter what you will be good and trust me YOU WILL HEAL

ignacio said...

you deserve to be happy not sad, happy you are rarer than a quark and more precious than the earth so live and dont let no one hold you down prove to yourself that you can overcome your problems by making people feel better then you will feel like a good seed and that you are meant for good stuff and after that live long and happy for the things that make you happy you earned it and show them that you can be a good person that no matter what you will be good and trust me YOU WILL HEAL