Monday, September 22, 2008

Hope Does Not Stick Like Glue

Maybe you noticed my mood fluctuates often, maybe you didn't. When I am in a mood state it feels like it will go on forever. It never does. I have glimpses and a teeny bit of insight that maybe I will crash when high, or feeling well. When low I really have a hard time seeing it will ever change.

This morning I replied to "S" that there is hope. A few ays ago I wrote about my new found discovery that hope exists. For some reason this afternoon that all seems to have dissipated.

I feel exhausted. I have a class to teach I am dreading going to. I have slept for the last two hours. Hoping the day would disappear.

Yesterday my Uncle (on my Dad's side) brought the last of my Grandma and Grandpa's friends still alive out to see me. They were my grandparents closest friends and I have fond memories of them. We had a very short, but good visit. It was good to see them, and nice of my Uncle to bring them to my city to see me.

However, as he left he rejected a hug I tried to give him, while U was saying thank you,to him. To top it off his last words to me were, "Don't work too hard".

He knows I am not working. In fact two weeks ago I sort of "came out" to my aunt and uncle about having panic and anxiety problems...though I never mentioned that was why I didn't work. The day before yesterday I told my cousin I had a mental illness and explained a bit more to her.

We had planned for my Cousins and Aunt and Uncle and my G'mas friends to get together, but only my uncle and G'ma's friends showed up. I think it is because they see me as a loser now. I believe my Uncle's comments were meant to hurt me. He is an intelligent man . There is no way he could not have understood that what he was saying was sarcastic, and that I would feel hurt by that.

So right now I feel like a loser for not working. I feel like he saw me as completely able to work; like he was testing my comments that I have a difficult time in big social gatherings, because I declined to go to my cousin's wedding due to my social anxiety.

Yesterday we were at the casino, but it isn't social gatherings where I don't have to interact with a large number of people I fear. It is gatherings where I hardly know anyone and am expected to be social. I'm usually fine with a small group, or somewhere with lots of people where there is no expectation I interact with anyone.

Anyways, maybe there is hope, but it waxes and wanes with both my mood state and my resiliency around rejection and authority figures. I am crying right now. I really hate this illness. I do not want to go to my class. I feal really stressed out about it. So "S" if my note this morning sounded too optimistic...right now I'm taking it back.


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Ohhhh sweetie. That's terrible what was said to you about "working hard." I get a lot of that ignorance too. And just because we know such accusations of being "lazy" and a "loser" are false doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt--and deep.

I think it is so hard to get people to understand what we go through because our pain and disability is inside where people can't usually see it. And unless people want to see us rage and cry every day then they don't see us in our moments of sickness. So they assume everything is o.k. It's a catch 22.

I wish that I could give you a big hug and we could maybe do a "paint jam session" together to do something abstract and free-flowing to get our emotions and frustrations out.

Well know that I'm thinking about you and holding you in my thoughts. You hang in their kiddo and I'll do the same. You aren't a loser to me. :) HUGS!!!

Aqua said...

HBW: Thank you soooo much. I don't know why my uncle was like that. he looks and sounds exactly like my Dad, but I always thought he was a kinder person. He knew what he was saying, and meant to say it too. That's what hurts so much. I appreciate the support. How is your painting coming along? I love your work.

Tamara said...


Sometimes I wished I had an obvious handicap instead of just a mess inside my head. It is like if people don't see you looking seriously ill or incapacitated then they don't try to understand how difficult your illness is to live with. I am very sorry for your uncle's comment. I would ask if maybe it was just the standard "goodbye, don't work too hard". However, you seem sure that he had hidden meaning behind it and you should know. So, I am really sorry.

As for the mood fluctuation. Boy, have I been there. My T used to describe it like rooms in my mind. There was the "happy room" and the "sad room" and when I was in one room it was like the other didn't exist. Especially, as you say, when I was in the sad room, there wasn't even a door so it seemed there was no escaping. She really worked with me on looking for a "hidden door or window", a crack of light somewhere so that I could remind myself that there was another room.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but after years of her telling me over and over that I was stuck in the "sad" room again. I finally was able to remind myself, there is another room. And, then I would try to look for a way out of the sad room.

Wow, this is hard to explain in writing! LOL

Anyway, even if none of that made sense, I do know what you are feeling, I have been there many times!

Sending you lots of hugs,

Aqua said...

Hi Tamara,
I find it really difficult to understand how I can be up and seemingly "social"....even bubbly and seemingly happy one moment and suddenly crash a day, or even within the day, later. So I imagine people who don't have this illness, or any mental illness must see me as "normal" and wonder why I'm being so lazy.

If I don't get it after all these years how are "outsiders" going to get it. I like your idea of different rooms and it made sense. I may try visualizing things that way. Thanks.