Thursday, November 26, 2009

Physically and Mentally Ill: Will this pain ever end?

I am not doing well at all, both mentally and physically. I feel so exhausted and fatigued that I feel sick. The pain in my hands and arms is getting worse too. On top of that my whole body aches in almost a flu-like way. I have no fever, and no other flu symptoms, but you know how your bones ache when you have the flu, I have a milder, albeit still achy, throbby painful version of the flu-ache.

Despite being so exhausted I cannot sleep, which makes me even more exhausted. I am also getting more and more concerned about my physical symptoms, because they seem to be getting much worse and I seem to be getting more symptoms. Last night as I tried to get to sleep I remembered that around the time my hands started to hurt/lose mobility I had used an powerful insecticide throughout my house, because a friend of mine had discovered an infestation of bedbugs at their house.

Although I never saw, and have never seen (thank god), any bedbugs at my place I was concerned some may have been introduced into my home on the clothes/shoes of my friend, so as a precaution I sprayed my place... (a lot...I was freaking out as I have a phobia of bedbugs and lice). I opened all my windows and door while spraying, but numerous times while spraying I was overcome by the fumes. Last night I started worrying that I have poisoned myself with the insecticide, and that is the cause of my symptoms.

On some level I know I should not try diagnosing myself, and should wait patiently to see the rheumatologist in mid-December...but I can't stop worrying about what is happening to my body. I just can't manage being physically and mentally ill.

My mood is also extremely low right now. Despite trying to push myself to do things I have cancelled my choir, and my singing lessons this week, because I feel so depressed and physically ill. I am so tired of trying to get better and failing so miserably. I'm not sure I can manage this much longer.

5 comments:

Ethereal Highway said...

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I had a 'mystery illness' once. It finally went away. I hope yours does, too.

Rach said...

I totally know where you're coming from... tension and stress has wrecked me physically... take care of yourself, aqua...

findingmecrazy said...

Sorry you're feeling so terrible, and I hope you get some relief soon. When you're mentally ill, it seems to make everything around so much worse, it's horrible.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Hmm, maybe fibromyalgia? I was just diagnosed with it. It is regular muscle pains, aches and soreness. Joints hurt (especially in the AM and late PM), legs and arms fall asleep easily. Some spots when pushed on register pain. It is often associated with mental illness and depression is a big trigger for it. It might be something to ask your Dr.

Harriet said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad also. It's a horrible thing to be sick and not know why, and we tend to think the worst, don't we? And I don't think you are failing at all, you are amazing at pushing through the badness and maintaining hope.