Saturday, November 28, 2009

Closing in on Me

I have been having a massive anxiety attack over the past two hours. I feel like I can't breathe and it only serves to accentuate how out of control, and hopeless I am feeling. I feel like I am not going to to survive my depression much longer.

I cry as I write this, sob actually. I feel like it is over. I won't ever get better. I want so badly to be my old self. I want so badly to feel loved and cared for. I want the energy to love and care for others. All I feel is alone, empty, anxious, exhausted and so depressed I want to die.

Everyday, two or three times a day, I manage to leave the house, to walk the dog. I walk about 10 blocks, sometimes less, once in a while more. I go out rain or shine. I walk as much as I can, because I know, even if it is raining the fresh air, and the light is good for me. Even if it doesn't feel good to walk, I pray it will help me get better. All I want is to get better.

I do it too, because the dog needs the exercise, and I love my dog., and when I bought him I became responsible for his well being. I love him so much, but sometimes caring for him seems so hard, at times almost impossible. I sometimes think I can't handle having a dog. I can't manage without a dog though, because he stops me from killing myself. Without him I would have committed suicide. When I think of suicide my plans always start with how to protect him, to make him safe if I go. I don`t think anyone would love and care for him as much as I do.

So I keep walking the dog.

It takes me a couple hours to talk myself into the morning walk. I sit and browse the paper, always reading the obituaries for any sign that people like me, people who can't handle life, exist. I so desperately want to be understood and to understand.

I am so exhausted I feel sick. I feel physically ill. As I start my walk I keep saying, "one more step" to myself, in my head, because my legs are so tired and I feel physically unwell, and I don't think I can walk for very long. I tell myself I can go to bed when I get home, to keep myself going. The walk ends. I go inside and sit down. All I want to do is go back to bed.

I force myself to stay up all day. It takes all my energy, and all my effort to not lay down. I try to find things to do to get myself out of the house as a strategy to keep myself awake. I can't lay down if I am not at home. I cannot let myself sleep, because I have not been able to stay sleep this past week.

I always seem to have some difficulties with sleeping, but it has been worse the past few weeks. I fall asleep at 11:30 or 3am I am wide awake and absolutely nothing helps me get back to sleep. I try laying there, hoping sleep will finally come. It does not work. I get up and try reading. At 5 or 6am I am still wide awake. I try laying on the couch instead of in bed. The dog cuddles up to me, and I fall into a deep sleep for a few hours.

Strategies: care for a dog, stay awake during the day, schedule activities, create structure, get outside, get sunlight and fresh air, leave the house; my life has become a series of strategies to help my depression...but nothing ever helps.

I still feel severely depressed. I still wish I were dead, every single day. Sometimes I think it is cruel for my doctor to keep me alive. It is cruel to keep me alive so I can be this depressed. Nothing helps.

I won't survive this much longer. My depression, coupled with my physical pain and its increased fatigue (I can't believe I could feel even more exhausted than I did before, but I do), complete lack of interest in food, or anything that used to bring some relief...I even canceled my choir and singing lessons this week, because I was too depressed and too fatigued to go...all this illness is too much for me to handle.

All day I tried to figure out how I could go for ECT as an outpatient. I can't see how it is possible. I have no one to take me home three times a week, after the procedure. I do not want to go in as an inpatient.

My boyfriend is completely against it, and I do not want to leave my dog. I do not know why, but my boyfriend cannot see how depressed I am, even though I explain it to him over and over, I try to be honest with him about how I'm feeling. I cry a lot. I have no interest in anything. My place is a disastrous mess. I cannot cook. I am to tired to do much...

Yet, every time he calls, when he asks me how I am, and I say, "I'm not feeling very well", he asks, "Why", what's wrong? I repeat, "I am depressed". "What are you depressed about"?

Argh...I'm just depressed!! I have worked for years in therapy to take care of anything I am depressed about, to build a life worth living,,,but I'm still fucking depressed...and I still want to die.

I have nothing to be depressed about EXCEPT the fact that I am depressed, want to die all the time, am too tired to enjoy anything for any length of time...and that length is getting shorter and shorter and shorter.

I will try to figure out how I can be an outpatient without someone to take me home...there must be someway for people who live alone, to get this done. If I can't get ECT I give up.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to read that things aren't getting better.
I have been following your blog for a few months now and I always hope to read that you will get better.
I started reading this because a close friend of mine is suffering from severe depression. Your wonderful blog has helped me understand her better.
Thank you for that.

Dr Shock MD said...

If you promise the psychiatrist that you will stay up to 4 hours after treatment won't they allow you to go on your own. They can do simple tests to see whether your "street wise" as they call it, before you leave.
Take care Dr Shock

GRACIE said...

Dear Aqua, I just found your blog during one of my endless internet searches for "what is wrong with me??" I too have a major depressive disorder, and also have found a good therapist who I've been seeing for a year. I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to start a blog "Can I Be Me?"

"I hope you feel better" sounds so incredibly lame, but I do.

merope3 said...

Wow. Sometimes I can't believe how much you sound like me...wanting to die all the time, enjoying nothing, no interest in anything, no one truly understanding what it feels like, the frustration I feel having to tell people over and over again that nothing has changed and it probably never will, trying to explain to them that it would be merciful to just let me go, having to force myself to do even the simplest things, force myself to eat and to drink, keeping it together for the dogs. If I could be sure they would be alright I would be long gone. I can't even manage to walk them anymore but they have a yard to play in and each other to play with. I don't think any more that any of this will ever change. I just exist; I don't live. If something came in the night and shut me off that would be ok with me. Sometimes reading your blog is like staying up late talking to my best friend (well, if I had a best friend...).

I hope you are able to get access to the ECT. I can't believe there is no way that your need to have it as an outpatient can be accomodated.

sarah said...

Oh Aqua. I am so sorry this is happenng...I am a long time lurker, have not (i don't think) posted before. I can relate all too well, unfortunately.

I have a couple of ideas: 1) what about contacting NAMI? or DBSA? I think they both have support peer and non peer networks and I suspect you could find people within those networks who might be able to help you get home 3 times a week, even if it was 3 different people who each committed to a different day.

2) What about a visiting nurse service? i know you wouldn't really need nursing care, but perhaps you could hire someone from an agency like that - for "only" 3 hours a week, it shouldn't be too expensive. Perhaps you and your doctor could even trick insurance into paying for it.

3) What about a day treatment program? Maybe even at the same location (more likely if a hospital) that you could just transfer over to for the rest of the day.

4) Dr. Shock's idea doesn't sound too terrible as a last resort, except that I imagine the place will be reluctant to have you under their care for that long. Still, exceptions can be made!!

Please hang in there. We will keep thinking and find a way!!!

Rach said...

I bet there are community services that drive patients home from medical appointments, etc.
It may be worth it to find out if a community access case worker can be added to your mix of professionals. They may be able to set you up with community based resources to assist you.

Based on your writing on the blog, and email discussions we've had, I honestly believe you're amongst the minority of patients who educates themselves and also honors their intuition. If I were you? I'd go with that... feel free to email me anytime.

I'm thinking about you