Closing in on Me

I have been having a massive anxiety attack over the past two hours. I feel like I can't breathe and it only serves to accentuate how out of control, and hopeless I am feeling. I feel like I am not going to to survive my depression much longer.

I cry as I write this, sob actually. I feel like it is over. I won't ever get better. I want so badly to be my old self. I want so badly to feel loved and cared for. I want the energy to love and care for others. All I feel is alone, empty, anxious, exhausted and so depressed I want to die.

Everyday, two or three times a day, I manage to leave the house, to walk the dog. I walk about 10 blocks, sometimes less, once in a while more. I go out rain or shine. I walk as much as I can, because I know, even if it is raining the fresh air, and the light is good for me. Even if it doesn't feel good to walk, I pray it will help me get better. All I want is to get better.

I do it too, because the dog needs the exercise, and I love my dog., and when I bought him I became responsible for his well being. I love him so much, but sometimes caring for him seems so hard, at times almost impossible. I sometimes think I can't handle having a dog. I can't manage without a dog though, because he stops me from killing myself. Without him I would have committed suicide. When I think of suicide my plans always start with how to protect him, to make him safe if I go. I don`t think anyone would love and care for him as much as I do.

So I keep walking the dog.

It takes me a couple hours to talk myself into the morning walk. I sit and browse the paper, always reading the obituaries for any sign that people like me, people who can't handle life, exist. I so desperately want to be understood and to understand.

I am so exhausted I feel sick. I feel physically ill. As I start my walk I keep saying, "one more step" to myself, in my head, because my legs are so tired and I feel physically unwell, and I don't think I can walk for very long. I tell myself I can go to bed when I get home, to keep myself going. The walk ends. I go inside and sit down. All I want to do is go back to bed.

I force myself to stay up all day. It takes all my energy, and all my effort to not lay down. I try to find things to do to get myself out of the house as a strategy to keep myself awake. I can't lay down if I am not at home. I cannot let myself sleep, because I have not been able to stay sleep this past week.

I always seem to have some difficulties with sleeping, but it has been worse the past few weeks. I fall asleep at 11:30 or 12:00...at 3am I am wide awake and absolutely nothing helps me get back to sleep. I try laying there, hoping sleep will finally come. It does not work. I get up and try reading. At 5 or 6am I am still wide awake. I try laying on the couch instead of in bed. The dog cuddles up to me, and I fall into a deep sleep for a few hours.

Strategies: care for a dog, stay awake during the day, schedule activities, create structure, get outside, get sunlight and fresh air, leave the house; my life has become a series of strategies to help my depression...but nothing ever helps.

I still feel severely depressed. I still wish I were dead, every single day. Sometimes I think it is cruel for my doctor to keep me alive. It is cruel to keep me alive so I can be this depressed. Nothing helps.

I won't survive this much longer. My depression, coupled with my physical pain and its increased fatigue (I can't believe I could feel even more exhausted than I did before, but I do), complete lack of interest in food, or anything that used to bring some relief...I even canceled my choir and singing lessons this week, because I was too depressed and too fatigued to go...all this illness is too much for me to handle.

All day I tried to figure out how I could go for ECT as an outpatient. I can't see how it is possible. I have no one to take me home three times a week, after the procedure. I do not want to go in as an inpatient.

My boyfriend is completely against it, and I do not want to leave my dog. I do not know why, but my boyfriend cannot see how depressed I am, even though I explain it to him over and over, I try to be honest with him about how I'm feeling. I cry a lot. I have no interest in anything. My place is a disastrous mess. I cannot cook. I am to tired to do much...

Yet, every time he calls, when he asks me how I am, and I say, "I'm not feeling very well", he asks, "Why", what's wrong? I repeat, "I am depressed". "What are you depressed about"?

Argh...I'm just depressed!! I have worked for years in therapy to take care of anything I am depressed about, to build a life worth living,,,but I'm still fucking depressed...and I still want to die.

I have nothing to be depressed about EXCEPT the fact that I am depressed, want to die all the time, am too tired to enjoy anything for any length of time...and that length is getting shorter and shorter and shorter.

I will try to figure out how I can be an outpatient without someone to take me home...there must be someway for people who live alone, to get this done. If I can't get ECT I give up.