Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It Hurts


I cried myself to sleep last night. This week has been like that. I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility to get better, to help myself, and to move on in my life.

I feel like I think I try hard, but really I do not. I vegetate at home a lot. I stare at the wall half the day and wish I could change. That is getting me nowhere. This life is no life at all. It is hell.

Yesterday afternoon I had a short period of hope, that if I could manage to do all the things I enjoyed, or all the things I wanted to do, if I just did all the things that made me happy, I would become happy. Just the thinking about how to get myself, how to force myself, how to push myself to do, instead of just think about doing, exhausted and overwhelmed me. I feel useless, hopeless, helpless. Completely lost.

Last night I opened up the bag with all my hoarded medications. I want so badly to end this life. I wrote my sisters a note a few days ago. As I sat staring at all the medicine I tried to figure out how to exit and make sure my dog is okay. That, and the fact that I don't even have the energy to kill myself, is the only thing that stopped me. How sad...that besides my dog, my low energy and inability to do, is the only thing saving me.

5 comments:

Harriet said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so low and hopeless. I would miss you if you are gone.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few days ago, Im right there with you, everything you write feels like me, please keep going. keep getting back on the horse, you have responsibility to life, open the window, feel the breeze on your face, immerse yourself in nature, the world is still a beautiful place, i feel your pain, im right there with you.. i dont know the answer but keep going.. much love

Anonymous said...

My little girl bumped her face on the door handle this morning and cried so hard that only my tight motherly cuddle would stop flow of tears. If I had done last week what you are contemplating today I would not have been here to comfort her.
So as well as your dog needing you, what about all the readers of your blog. Your blog shows us that we are not alone, so fight the demons - you don't know how much you are helping others to come to terms with the black dog.

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Feeling like you do sucks -- period. There's no two ways about it. It's not fair and to make matters worse we get no real recognition for how hard to work to survive -- let alone thrive.

I'm so sorry you're in this down turn and know that I am thinking about you. I enjoy reading your blog and without you here I'd miss a great writer! :/

Jana Banana said...

What you are describing is how I feel everyday - my wish is for both of us to step into the sunlight and leave the dark behind.