Friday, March 06, 2009

Disdain

I had two dreams the other day about Dr. X. rejecting me. The theme in both was the same, but I can only remember the details of one:

In the dream I have met a man and am enjoying his company. Soon I discover Dr. X is his good friend. After a few days the man dumps me while we are in some kind of theatre or concert venue. Dr. X is sitting beside this man when the man breaks up with me. As I am getting up to leave Dr. X gives me an intensely hurtful look of disgust and disdain; a look that betrays his hatred of me and his loathing for me.

The look sends me many messages, all awful. His look tells me I am not good enough. I am stupid. I am laughable. I sense there is a huge line drawn between him and people like me. I am not worth anything. I am worthless. I do not belong anywhere near "people like him". (successful, knowledgeable, intellectual people)

I woke up on the verge of tears.

I feel that way quite often. Like I am less of a human being than others. That I am bad and disdainful. That others are so much better than me. I sense a divide between people who are well, intelligent and successful, and myself, like I have failed at what is expected of me; that I have not met the standards for valuable people.

In my appointment Dr. X asked me if I recognized that this isn't the case..no I don't. I suspect it is the case but people only talk about it behind my back. That people I know laugh at me, think I am a bad person, think I am completely messed up, think things like if they weren't friends with my husband I would not be worth seeing.
I know some people feel like this, feel the divide between me and them. I see it when they talk with me. I felt it in my choir on Wednesday. Like I was trying too hard to fit in. At one point the two sisters next to me, who I thought liked me, started talking in sign language a few times when I made mistakes. I am certain they were making fun of me. That made me feel intensely self conscious, sad and lonely.

I feel like I will never be normal, never fit in, always be "outside the circle"; that circle where the people who matter , or people who count, exist.

2 comments:

Lola Snow said...

I'm not quite sure how to put this, but I'll give it a whirl. How much does it matter if not everyone likes you? This is something I used to sturggle with endlessly, feeling that I just had to, HAD TO, have everyones approval about everything. Which is actually impossible, and just makes you run yourself ragged trying to please, and always falling short of the mark.

If you find a way to be secure in yourself, and feel less like others are the more important thing, it is not selfish, it's just good mental health house keeping. Does it matter that much if you are not in "The circle"? Because how sure are you that the circle even exists? It sounds more like you are creating a reason for a feeling, ie low self confidence. It's an illusion that everyone else fits in, because you focus so much on how you are different. Like I focus so much on the fat on mybody, i assume that i am fat, whereas i am actually quite slim, but i obsess over it endlessly it ends up being the focal point of my existance. What's the worst that could happen if you just let go and assumed that you fitted in? Stopped looking for signs of how you are different, and just was in the moment doing what you were doing?

Lola x

Polar Bear said...

I think that this very deeply ingrained feeling of inadequacy (can I use this word here?) is very difficult to shake and I believe many people feel this way too. But that doesnt mean that the pain is any less.

I alsothink that for someone battling mental illness, it's easy for us to think of ourselves as not good enough, not sane enough, and just generally not good enough a human being.

It's sad, but I just want you to know that I DON'T THINK you are worthless at all. I thikn you are trying your best with the circumstances you were dealt with. And infact I think you are extremely courageous in your battle by still putting yourself out there - teaching, painting, choir.