Monday, March 16, 2009

I Am Disappearing

My sister and nieces have just left. I feel tired and exhausted. I feel nothing. We went bowling this morning and I cheered, and yelled good job when my nieces were bowling. I went through all the motions of being a supportive and loving Aunt, but inside I felt nothing. No love, no excitement, no passion...I felt gone; somewhere else, like I had disappeared.

I can't explain. If you saw me with my family you would believe I was a great Aunt, all loving and kind. I am not, because it is all a facade. I am really an empty vessel. A body missing its soul. The material that is left behind when the spiritual dissipates into the wind.

I am disappearing more and more every day. I can "act" like I am something, and almost fake my way through my daily routine. I can act, that is, if I can find the energy to act. Otherwise I lay in bed unable to move, or do anything. I am so tired and sleep does nothing for me. I hate this life.

10 comments:

Lisa Marie said...

What would happen if you told your sister? Is she supportive?

Hannah said...

sometimes we have to just go through the motions, the feelings will come back, the emptiness will be replaced, you're still in there somewhere Aqua.
Take care,
Hann xx

Harriet said...

You need something. Meds, different meds, or different dosages maybe? I'm sorry you're in such a deep low right now. Who can you talk to besides Dr. X?

Valerie said...

I remember feeling that same way; going through the motions, putting on the best act...

I'm one of the worst technical actors that ever existed, yet I could fool anyone and everyone when it came to my depression.

Eventually it gets too tiring to fake it, though. At least it did for me, and then its an even tougher battle; deciding to fight for your life.

I have been to the lowest of the lows. As low as one can get, and I am here to say that it CAN get better. It really can. Don't quit fighting, or even just treading water. Do what you have to do to remain a being on this planet.

Love from cyberspace

Handsome B. Wonderful said...

We mentally ill become good actors just to be able to have some kind of semi-normal relationships. We have to play our parts to keep the peace and because we don't want people making fun of us or lecturing us.

Do what you gotta do girl and know that we're all trying to do the same. You keep going and I'll keep going, o.k.? HUGS.

Polar Bear said...

Yeah, im familiar with this feeling. Feeling of emptiness, like there is nothing at all inside and everything is just a facade. I'm pretty good at putting on a facade too.

I don't know how to fill this hole.

jcat said...

hey sweetie...maybe think about a few days in-patient timeout? Just to take a step back from everything and try breathe a bit. Does Dr X admit anywhere, and would you see him more often if you did go in? I'm worried about you...it's been a while since you have been so flat....
Love you,
j

Lisa Marie said...

Am thinking about you. I agree with J..is inpatient something you might consider?

Lola Snow said...

Are you OK Aqua? My comment seems to have disappeared, but blogger is being a pain at the moment. Concerned about you mate. Please post to say you are OK.

Lola x

L said...

Thanks for the support. I'm okay. Had an appt with Dr. X today and felt a bit better partway through.

Lola: I did see your comment...not sure what happened to it, but thanks.