It is 6:01pm. I woke at 7:00am, went back to bed at 9:30am, woke a couple of times for less than an hour, and slept the rest of the day...almost 8 hours more sleep, after I already slept 8 hours.
I know this is not healthy. I know it, yet I am so tired and fatigued and I have such little desire to be here that I sleep to disappear. My sleeping makes the day go away without me having to experience it as just another day I want to go away.
For someone with so much death anxiety you would think I'd at least experience what little time I have on earth, but I can't. I just want to know: Is it over yet.
My death anxiety is not really about being afraid of death, rather it is being afraid that I will not live a meaningful life before I die. I fear I will always be stuck, always cycling, depressed; avoidant. I fear my life will end before I have the opportunity to really live.
In my session on Dr. X asked me what I have been eating...because I have been eating very poorly, especially these past few months. On top of that my blood tests came back with low iron, which definitely could be feeding my fatigue.
So what do I do when I discover I am eating all the wrong things in all the wrong amounts, and leaving out the things I need (i.e. fruits and vegetables and iron and vitamins)? Do I eat better? Do I take my iron and vitamins consistently? And when I recognize that my exercise routine is much like a snail's daily workout...do I pick up the pace? Do I take care of myself?
Absolutely not. Why the hell would I do that. That would make too much sense. Why would I want top lose some weight, to have higher iron, to get important nutrients into my system?
Dr X asked me why I am eating so much food that is bad for me. I got off track and didn't answer, partly because I have no idea. Partly because I don't have the energy to prepare any food for myself, partly because I don't want to be here anyways, partly because I am self destructing.
All I really want to know about my life is this...Is it over yet?
7 comments:
{{{Hugs Aqua}}}}
I don't know what to say, I want to just make it all go away for you. Take your depression and beat it with a stick. But we both know I can't do that.
You sound angry today? Or am I misreading, it's hard to tell intonation from text, but you seem to be punishing yourself with food.
Lola x
Depression makes it very hard to take care of oneself. It takes away all motivation, and motivation is required to go to the store and buy healthy food, and to exercise, and to go to bed and get up at the right times. A life isn't much of a life if it's spent just waiting for it to end, is it? I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way right now.
I know
it's hard to be reconciled
not everything is exactly
the way it ought to be
but please turn around
and step into the future
leave memories behind
enter the land of hope
--Zbigniew Herbert, from A Life (Taken from “ A Tidings of Magpies” Blog site)
Aqua, you absolutely break my heart. I just want to reach in there through cyber space, and just shake you till you wake up and realize what a gift you are and can be to others. You’re an incredibly intelligent, funny (when you think no one is looking) very loving & giving individual. I loved the way you forced yourself to get out there and teach others less fortunate than yourself (Thank you Dr. X).
Having said all that I can understand the Depression though. Going from a home where you were told on a daily basis what a loser you are then into a marriage where the same things occur again on a regular basis…I truly did not understand that even beautiful, intelligent gifted people that on the surface has it all, faces their own demons and shades of Hell behind their doors.
It is worth noting though that we teach what we know. Have you ever talked to your Dad about his childhood, the way he was treated? Chances are he was treated the same way, I am of the opinion that if you can understand the psychology behind your dad’s pain, it would go a long way in the treatment of yours. I am of course not saying that this would forgive him his cruelty to you personally. Only you have that power.
“All Cruelty springs from Weakness” Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“Cruelty is fed, not weakened by Tears” Publilius Syrus
“Fear is the parent of Cruelty” James Anthony Froude
According to Harville Hendrix, we are most magnetically attracted to people who embody the characteristics of our parents or early caretakers because we unwittingly seek in a partner someone who will re-injure our childhood wounds. Our adult selves can finally heal those wounds, but the more negative those characteristics are (from critical and controlling to charmingly irresponsible) the more intense the attraction we feel.
We can get relief from our nostalgia for a passionate love by remembering the intensity of the memory does not hold some great truth about the relationship’s sacredness. Remember, what fueled the attraction may not have been love, but your soul’s desire to heal the past.
Enough quotes for the Day? Ok I invite you to check in on a couple of websites I just found today that absolutely made me smile. Check them out (perhaps you already have) and hopefully they’ll do the same for you “A Tidings of Magpies” http://tidingsofmagpies.blogspot.com and “Where’s my Effing Pony?” http://wheresmyeffingpony.blogspot.com.
I Wish you Wellness
Lola,
[[[Hugs}}} right back at you. I think you are on to something. It is like I stuff myself because I hate myself. I hate myself so I might as well eat crappy food and get fat and be even more worthy of my ire. (note: I am only talking about ME as a fat person and how I feel about myself being overweight...I love voluptuos women who aren't me)
Harriet and Old Fashioned Seeker thanks.
...aqua
I can so relate with the diet and the exercise and the sleep. It's a terrible horrible pattern that's so nearly impossible to break and yet feels so necessary at the same time...
Funny, when I do things I love, and when I'm happy, I don't care about my weight, and I'm perfectly content to eat ice cream every day. But when I'm miserable, I beat myself up over everything I eat, and then eat some more.
If only I could open up about it.
Anyways... I have no words of wisdom for you, merely to say I can empathize. and I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable.
~R
Well at least you're exercising somewhat. I'm only doing 5 minutes at a time but at least it's working my heart even if I can't lose much weight because of the meds.
As for food, I'm the same way. For one I can't afford to eat healthy, two I don't know how to cook healthy stuff and three I secretly want to kill myself by bad habits.
Slowly over time so that I can't be blamed for it. Although I am actively eating bad so I'm still making a decision--so I guess I CAN be blamed for it. Ugh. I just can't be bothered is my last reason for not eating and living better.
Like was said in the comments, depression makes it hard to find the motivation to live right and depression is often the hardest of the mental disorders to treat. I know it is for me--the mania is easy to tamp down but not the depression.
Hi James,
I don't get any exercise either. My exercise consists of taking my dog out when I HAVE to (i.e. when I can't coax my husband into taking him, and walking at a snails paste around the farm...watching him get the kind of exercise I should be getting. I get it. I felt SICK most of the day I was so fatigued.
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