I have cycled down into a deep depression again. I suppose if I cycled down, I am down from somewhere that was "up". I suppose that should be reassuring. Dr. X explained to me as much. He said I had had a good cycle up. I have had several small cycles up, but this last one lasted a long time and the pattern is showing more cycles up. I guess I should feel good about that. I don't.
Every time I cycle down from a high I feel worse than if I had just remained low. I think I learn to live with the lows over time and do things in spite of them. When I go from high to low it feels like I have been bulldozed over by a huge machine. Something giant machine outside myself is digging a massive hole and trying to bury me. I feel dead.
In my appointment today we discussed my being "sexually assaulted". Dr. X. called it that. He said I was assaulted. I think I knew he thought so, but sometimes when he sits silent I fill in the blanks with all kinds of negative thoughts...like with this example.
My wondering if Dr. X. thought it wasn't rape is actually me wondering if I didn't lead the guy on too much...because I remember really enjoying kissing and playing around. I was naked, in bed, sending mixed messages. I was even lustful, until he started to force me to have sex.
Dr. X. and I also talked about how my sexual fantasies relate to this assault. My fantasies all revolve around being forced, either mentally, or physically; my feeling "taken" by someone, or unable to say no, or (in my fantasies) raped. Dr. X. reassured me my fantasies are within the realm of normal. He did however talk about the link between my being forced to have sex and my fantasizing about sex this way.
There were some good feelings happening before the man forced me, and afterwards sex with other men became so much better because during the aggressive sexual encounter something happened that made sex not hurt like it had prior to this act.
Before the assault intercourse had been really, really painful, afterwards it was not. I suspect in my previous sexual encounters (which were not very much) my hymen had not broken completely. After the aggressive sex during the assault it tore completely and sex suddenly was no longer painful.
So perhaps I associated this violent act against me with some good things to...the feelings of being aroused beforehand, and the freedom from painful intercourse afterwards. Also, sex with my previous boyfriend had been beautiful, caring and extremely lustful...but it had also been very, very painful to have intercourse. I assumed sex was painful. Perhaps my brain began then to associate pain with sex. Whatever the cause my brain closely links aggression and pain with sex, leading me to fantasize about being taken against my will, or my better judgement.
Dr. X said I could get help for this, but I am not sure my fantasies are a bad thing, and Dr. X. says the thoughts are normal. In many ways I feel my thoughts are about creativity and wanton lust...something I value in myself...as long as I don't act on the lustful thoughts outside my marriage.
It feels good to be able to talk with Dr. X about these things. I am surprised I am able to talk with a male therapist so openly. Dr. X makes it easy to be so open. I appreciate that.