Be Embarrassed and Do It Anyways

Today, I woke up depressed, flat, apathetic, a feeling of dissociation throughout my mind...detached, disconnected. Alone.

I met with my friend "Z" and went for a late breakfast and then she took me grocery shopping... a task that I dread and fear when I feel like this.

As we sat having breakfast I felt so cared for and understood by her. I was going on about some "bad girl" stuff and she told me I was like a train...impossible to stop. She meant it as a compliment...like, even when depressed, I have a powerful joie de vivre and head straight into everything I do at full blast straight ahead.

I really like that imagery of a train plowing where it is destined to go, or wherever it desires to go. It made me feel like my old wild self. It made me feel valued for who I am. It also made me recognize I am strong and powerful and there is no stopping me once I get going. Getting going is the hard part.

I have had an awful cold/sore throat for a few weeks now. I cancelled my singing class last week because I didn't think I could sing. When I walked into Dr. X's office and told him I cancelled he suggested I reconsider. He did so for a couple of reasons. He said I could still learn things other than the singing aspect of singing...things like timing or style. He also he wanted me to challenge my fears about making mistakes.

I was afraid to go to my singing lesson because I had completely blown a solo in choir the night before. I was so embarrassed...mortified might be a better word, and I felt sick about my mistakes. He told me that feeling the embarrassment and doing it anyways was a great form of behavioural therapy. This was a great opportunity.

This morning when I woke up depressed and still sick I kept trying to tell myself I shouldn't go to choir practice tonight. I tried to nap and couldn't and as I realized why I couldn't. I clued into the fact that it was not because I felt sick, rather I was ruminating about the mistakes I had made last week. I was AFRAID to go.

I realized this is exactly when Dr. X. explained to me I need to go (which I did). Go, and even make the same mistakes (which I did) and survive the embarrassment (which I also did...though I feel sick about it again)...at least I went and tried.

On my way home, despite my embarrassment and some difficulties feeling like I was "outside the circle" or detached from the group, I felt really good about all I did and accomplished today. I felt good that I recognized a pattern and challenged it head-on. I didn't back out of or cancel because I was depressed. Because I was powerful and challenged myself my mood lifted and I sang to my favourite songs all the way home.