Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Wildness and Remorse

I have been a bit of my wild self all week. Really focused on sex and spending money and having fun. I haven't been sleeping well again, and in the mornings and a couple afternoons I feel like I am on uppers (I'm not)...speedy, energetic, bubbling over, dancing, singing, and all too distractable and discombobulated and disorganized.

In a million ways it feels so good. I find myself feeling desire again. Checking out the men and women around me; a couple days I was dying for sex in a way I have not for a long time. My husband scored the benefits of my love and lust. I think his head is still spinning.

The past couple days I feel "writer's remorse"...or "therapy remorse". That feeling you get when you let someone in too much. When you let your guard down and say what you want to say, but recognize it was too explicit, too much information and far too forward.

I feel like canceling my appointment with Dr. X on Thursday, because I feel so embarrassed by letting him see how I feel. Mortified might be a better description. When I was speaking and talking it all seemed so clear to me. It seemed clear that I wanted to address my issues in a straightforward and honest manner. Now I wish I had kept inside what I have managed to keep inside for so long. I feel like I have destroyed his trust in me.

I feel like I have done what I always do; drive a wedge between me and people I care for by confessing how much I care for them. It seems to scare people. To avoid this I pretty much avoid showing most people I really care. It is too wrought with mixed messages and misunderstandings.

It makes me sad because when I was younger and well my authentic self was very open and expressive about how much I loved people. I never held back because I felt, and I still do feel, it is so important that people know they have an impact on your life; that people know they are noticed and valued.

Now, older and sadder, I feel burned too many times by giving my love to people only to have it thrown back in my face, or to be dismissed, or rejected. I am sure it is something I do that leads to this happening, but I cannot figure out what it is. I am afraid this will happen in my next pdoc appointment, because I realize I have to contain and restrain how I feel in therapy. I feel I have overstepped my boundaries and entered the destruction zone.

3 comments:

mini said...

hi,

I just wanted to say I admire your honesty, I am in therapy too & find your ability to communicate with yours inspiring. I don't think you said anything explicitly wrong & I suspect Dr X may have learnt a great deal, not just from you but other peoples responses, you wrote with care & respect & I can't think of the word... an insight into how it relates to you, please don't cancel I suspect the 'useful' bits in therapy are the bits we dread, take care & thank you for your honest writing

s said...

I think that he will probably recognize the manic element in some of this too.

Aqua said...

Hi Mini and S,
Thanks for the responses. I am still so stressed out. While I don't think I am manic I think I have been close to hypomanic. I feel in many ways this "wildness" (the agitation, the intense desire for lots of sex, my saying things I would not normal say...saying things I regret, things that overwhelm others, how disjointed and disorganized and insanely busy I am)is my mood going up to far.

I have done this before in my life and I still regret how brazen and forward I was. It is so embarrassing.