Friday, February 06, 2009


Wow, I really am "on". I have felt so good the past few weeks I am beginning to feel like maybe, just maybe I am beginning to heal. I am super energetic and driven much of the day. Driven, is an understatement. I am so enthusiastic and energized much of the day, that I feel wired for sound...revved up, speedy, high on something. Unfortunately, this is leading to my maybe overdoing life, planning and doing too many things, which I can see may be leading to my becoming sickly exhausted later in the afternoon. I am trying to accept my afternoon exhaustion and do all the things I want to do anyways. The past few weeks I have set up so many incredible things in my life.

My singing lessons and choir are unbelievably good for me. In fact, they are so joyous and soul defining for me that I wonder if it is the singing that is making me feel so high. Something about singing fills me with passion and lust for life. The more I sing, the happier I become. I feel like a bird in the springtime, compelled to sing my song loud to the world.

While I am singing I feel so intensely happy it is beyond words. Sometimes I am quiet in my song at choir or in my lessons, because I fear making a mistake, or embarrassing myself. However, when I loosen up and let my voice loose I have an incredibly powerful and beautiful voice. My song is nowhere near as gorgeous if I try to hold back. I need to remember that.

Yesterday in my singing lesson I learned a new Jazz song: "Nevertheless". My version is better than this version, but you get the idea of the song. I sing it with a bit more punctuation on some of the words and a slower sexier feel. It is so sexy and sultry. I feel like I am myself when I'm singing it.

We also transposed "Bluemoon" into a lower key and it is much more sensual and alluring. I love it. We did the same with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", changing it to Eva Cassidy's version, which is lower and has quite a different feel to it. Oh, I love it soooo much. I am learning the intro to it too, something I have never heard before.

As I left my lesson yesterday my voice instructor expressed to me that I was learning the songs, and able to improvise interesting takes on the songs, extremely quickly. I felt really good when she said this because in my pdoc appt yesterday morning I was stressing about my difficulty remembering songs. It seems it is the words I am struggling with, not the melodies. The music seems to latch onto my brain more easily than the words. Not sure why. I learned "Nevertheless"in two tries and it sounds amazing. Of course I need more practice, but I know how I want to sing it and it sounds pretty good already.

This high feeling, intensified, and perhaps bred by music, reminds me of the times I feel really well. When well I sing all the time. When well I sing in the streets, in the shower, when I'm with people, when I'm out and about doing my daily tasks, when painting, when teaching, when driving. I sing unselfconsciously and joyously. I don't care who is listening. Thanks Dr. X for the encouragement in our session yesterday. It helped me address my fear in the moment.

I feel I am close to attaining unselfconscious joy right now. In fact my instructor's son came home part way through the session and was going to leave...and I said, "no stay. It doesn't matter to me if you are here while I am singing". That is a monstrously huge step towards letting go of my fear.


Lola Snow said...

So proud of you at the moment Aqua, you are making such amazing strides, it's inspirational.

If when you are "well" you sing all the time, and if when you sing you feel well, might it be worth trying other things now that you do when you are well, to see if they have the same effect? Just a thought

Lola x

Hannah said...

I was smiling all the way through reading this post! It's left me feeling on a real high!
I am so pleased to read how well you are doing, what a wonderful way to express your happiness!

Hann xx

Aqua said...

Hi Lola,
I think you are onto something. I think I am going to work on the singing over these next few weeks. I am also takin a mixed media and collage class each week and teaching a printmaking class. Also I ofered to run some information sessions for a mental health team about disability savings plans...and now three other teams have asked me to do them for their families' nights. So I have lots on the go right now.

Hi Hannah,
Thank you...I read it again and I had the same smiling reaction. It is really nice to hear you and Lola, and others recognizing how well I am feeling right now. It makes it even more exciting.