Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ambivalence


I know I am not alone in thinking about suicide. Numerous people get to my blog everyday by googling "I want to Die". I find it sad there are so many people who feel like me. I find it strange that, with so many people thinking like this, we rarely hear about people who actually commit suicide.

When I feel like this I become obsessed with looking for people in the obituaries who have left this world by their own hands. I'm not sure why, but I look for the key words "Died Suddenly", or I look for requests for donations in lieu of flowers, to a mental health organizations. Sadly, I also look for, and find, obituaries for kids, or young adults; people who have died far to young for the death to have been natural.

I find, for me, the idea of death relieves my anxiety about my depression. When I am depressed thoughts of suicide, and my having the means to commit suicide, allow me to feel I am not completely choiceless. I am not completely without the means to take charge of and get rid of my depression. With death it would end.

With this in mind I hoard all my unused medications, pill bottles of everything I took, that didn't work, and even pill bottles of Tylenol 3's from medications my husband took for a while and did not finish. I hoard everything...just in case I need to go.

Twice now I have given up my stash to Dr. X. Each time it did not feel right. I felt I was left with no safety net. Dr. X has said my safety net (the pills) is unhealthy. Use the other safety nets available to me, him, the hospital, emergency mental health services etc.

To me, those safety nets are only available if you have the ability to use them. I have the ability to see him, but I would never take myself to the hospital, or call 911. I would die before doing that.

I would rather kill myself that face the dismissiveness of an emergency room physician, or a mental health worker other than Dr. X. Why? I would get to the hospital, talk with a doctor/nurse and the talking would LOOK as though it increased my mood, and they would send me home. I would be humiliated and feel rejected, and I would kill myself anyways.

I simply cannot face the rejection of someone who does not understand me. My mood always lifts when I am talking with others, partly because I put a mask on to protect them from me, and partly because I automatically want people to be comfortable with me. Also, I want to look like I am not completely insane. I want people to respect me.

Last night I kept thinking over and over of how I could leave this world without others knowing I committed suicide. I want out, but I can't think of a way out without leaving my family with the burden of a sister, daughter, or wife who has taken their own life. I stared at all the pills and kept thinking of how easy it would be to go in my sleep. Something keeps me here. Maybe my duty as a family member and friend, maybe I don't want to disappoint Dr. X. I have survived 7 years with these thoughts in my head. Maybe I really want to live?

5 comments:

Polar Bear said...

Aqua,
I have no words. Just wanted to send some warm (((HUGS)))) your way.

Polar B.

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

My thoughts are with you. I understand holding suicide in reserve as proof of not being completely powerless against the depression - if nothing else you still have that choice that is yours. I also understand wanting to die without sticking your loved ones with the aftermath.

When I get into these blackest of places, I have a list of reasons why I should choose life over death. (I created the list while feeling well.) The list has things that I would miss if I died. It also has reminders of the damage it would do if I killed myself. Ideally, it should be the items for yourself that keep you alive but the fact is, staying alive for others at least keeps you alive to hold out until your mood cycles back up.

Please stay safe. It's hard but you can do it. I'm around if you want to talk. Feel free to email or IM me anytime.

Harriet said...

I know exactly how you feel. If there was a way that was guaranteed to look like an accident and didn't involve anyone I know finding my body I would do it. Being dead and not living through day after day sounds so comforting to me. Just not being anymore. But I know people who had parents/siblings commit suicide and it can destroy their lives even though the person who died thought they were a burden. They ended up being a burden after the suicide, even if they weren't before.

Anonymous said...

Have you heard of Provigil/ Modafinil?

s said...

I think if I ever feel well again, I might make a list like that. It's a good idea.