Thursday, August 14, 2008

What Happened?

I don't know what happened in my session today. I have been feeling pretty anxious and my mood has been up and down, but for the most part this week apathetic and anxious...Is that possible. Seems to me the definition of apathy would include not caring one way or the other, so why the anxiety?

It is happening again; that same pattern that repeats itself ad infinitum:
  • I begin to feel a bit better,
  • I start doing things I like (art, volunteering to teach, visiting with friends)
  • I take a look at myself enjoying things
  • I think, if I can enjoy these things, do these things. I should go back to work! (even though it may only be a few days, or even parts of days of enjoyment)
  • Then I start thinking, but if I go back to work I will only be able to work, and at a very part time level,
  • And if I do that I won't have any energy to do anything else (given I seem to be able to manage one big thing or maybe two smaller things a day)
  • So I will go back to work and stop painting, creating...doing all the things I need to do to help myself feel good.
  • Then I will get more depressed
  • Then I will have to stop work.

I know I talked about this a few days ago, but it is like a loud tape recorder in my head saying, : "I am doing something wrong, when I enjoy myself at the expense of working". "I am making myself vulnerable to ending up homeless and on the streets when I count on a third party for disability payments". "I am a bad person because I am not working" yadda, yadda, yadda.

So I spent most of my appointment crying. Stressed out about my vulnerable situation, stressed out about my (for some reason) returning angry feelings about my Dad and the way he treats me, and missing my Mom so much I told Dr. X her death feels like a bad dream.

Dr. X. tried to help me see I am on the path I need to be on. I expressed my frustration that I began seeing him in 2001 and here I am in 2008 with many of the same problems.


Dr. X: "You are making progress.

Me: "Who would say that? I don't think anyone would say that"

Dr. X: "I would, think of where you were in terms of art in 2001 (i.e. none) and where you are now with your art."

Me: Rolling my eyes at the comment.

Dr. X: Why did you roll your eyes?

Me: (Feeling ashamed I was so rude to have done that) I rolled them because I am not an artist. It is not like my art is going to help me get a job, or make money. It is not going to get me anywhere.

Dr. X: said something about it making me feel good doing it(my art) and myself doing myself a disservice by saying I am not an artist. It is not about the money, it is the doing it that is important.

Me: Crying and trying to explain how scared I am about not having a job, and not knowing if I was ever going to manage a job and stay well. (Thinking now: I kind of forgot about the part that I'm not well yet...I guess that is s/b the goal).

Dr. X: You have a stable, safe income right now. Try not to let that worry get in your way.

Me: Just sitting there silently, crying...(Inside my head thinking: " I feel like such a loser and that I will never get well and get a job. I feel like I failed at life. This is not what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to succeed, to prove to myself and my Dad that I am a good person, I am a hard worker. I do want to be something. I'm 43, and I still need to prove my worth to my Dad and anyone I feel thinks the same way as him...the definition of a person who needs to let it go and move on).


Michelle said...

Apathetic and anxious...I get that...isn't it ironic that we can sometimes see our patterns so clearly and yet fel as if we are so unable to see them?

It sounds like you are making progress...all I can say for any of us I guess is...keep trying....

No Ordinary Mom said...


not for pity, but because when i read what you write i don't feel so alone.

kara said...

i'm sorry you're struggling so. i am glad you have Dr. X. keep writing it out.