Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Anxiety and Obsessions

The past few weeks I would say overall my mood has been better, although it's lability is still showing. I always am feeling bad in the morning and then better midday, and then I get exhausted around 4-5pm, have a long nap...or just laying down from exhaustion (1-3 hours) and feel a bit revived.

The problem is my anxiety is getting worse, and worse, and worse. I am not sleeping as well and I have a weird sensation inside me that I can only describe as an obsession. I have increased my valium, but it is not helping.

Do you remember when you were young (a teenager) and you fell inexplicably and madly in love with someone and you could not stop thinking about that person. Do you remember the feelings that seemed like a mixture of intense energy inside you that was off the charts, anxiety, a sense that you were helpless in terms of your obsession, feelings that were out of your control, strange and made no sense. Am I making any sense?

I am having problems with those types of feelings right now. Not really directed at a person, rather directed at a fear I have hurt someone, or exposed someone, or been selfish and caused someone else to worry, or feel bad. I feel sick that I might have said things I did not mean to say, or opened up and this person may have misunderstood what I actually meant to say (vs. their understanding what I said)

I feel that same sick feeling I did when I was young and cheated on someone, or did some foolish thing without thinking of the consequences of my actions. The feelings of regret I felt after the fallout of an intense upswing in mood, and my inability to set boundaries for myself had me doing things that destroyed a relationship.

This post may not make any sense, but I needed to get out all these guilty feelings...because they are eating me up inside. I suspect some of my increase in anxiety this week is driven by these obsessive feelings of guilt and betrayal; feeling that I have been disloyal. Not all of the anxiety is related to this though, as those feelings have been clearly increasing over the past 4-5 weeks. I sort of see it is possible the anxiety is feeding the obsessive worrying and guilty feelings; making me worry excessively about things.

7 comments:

The Silent Voices in my Mind said...

Aqua,

It sounds like it's difficult for you to get any peace right now. Any idea why the anxiety is growing? Hopefully Dr. X will have some insights and suggestions for you.

Remember to breathe... (that's my first advice to everyone for anxiety - I say it so often I get teased for it. LOL)

{{{Supportive hugs}}}

Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry it's so tough on you at the moment. I do hope you'll be able to work through the feelings and maybe discuss them with Dr X if you need to.

I think I can relate to what you're saying here about obsessive fears and thoughts. I'm currently having lots of thoughts and obsessive worrying about V too.

Michelle said...

In my dealings with anxiety I went through a period of several years where I worried all the time that I had hit someone with my car; it got to the point where I hated driving and was constantly checking my rearview mirror and asking friends (who thought I was nuts) if I hit anything. Over time much of it abated on its own although I do still worry if someone crosses to close to me or something like that.

I hope you can talk to Dr. X and find something to ease the worry.

kara said...

aqua...

has anything that you can identify trigged these feelings or are you even at a place where you can stop and think about identifing such things?

i'm concerned that some external trigger from the here and now may have triggered these past unresolved feelings. i don't know , but agree with everyone else that Dr. X will have valuable insight for you.

much suppourt...kara

Amy said...

I know how you feel. I suffer everyday. I have wanted to die, so much that, without looking back I downed pills and waited for death. Instead I awoke in the psych unit and the hospital under ED. I got out last night. I have issues with being abandoned. A close aunt died when I was very young. I lost my best friend and boyfriend a month ago. All he said is that he needed time, but my anxiety got the best of me. Overwhelming thoughts that he'd forget about me consumed me... I called everyday. Now I may have lost one of the best friends I've ever had. I'm still possessed by these thoughts. I don't want to call because I know if I do it will just make our chances for reconciling slimmer and slimmer, but I'm so scared I'll be alone... even with other family and friends that love me. I focus obsessively only on the fact that he is frustrated and doesn't want to talk. I feel alone with like 20 people around me, devastated that I almost died, that I wanted to die, and at moments wish I have succeeded. The pain is unbearable... everyday. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I want to be happy. I just want to be okay! I hope you can find the light... and when you do, tell us what it is like, how beautiful it is to be okay. I wish you much luck, I know what it's like to search through the darkness for the smallest ray of hope.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've been terribly anxious the past month and am starting to get depression and obsessions like I'm guilty, I'm mad, I can't control myself, about my sexuality. I can't eat and I've even thrown up a few times, the obsessions were that bad. I know they're rubbish and I'm getting help, but it's still hard. Everyone says to hang in and that's what I want to tell you too. All the best!

Erick said...

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