Stream of Consciousness

Jazz over at "In Pieces" has a great blog where she provides us with a writing prompt each day. Today I was stuck for something to say and her prompt sounds like an interesting exercise:

"Writing Prompt: Set aside twenty minutes or so and do a brain dump. Just write whatever is on your mind no matter how mundane or boring. Even if you have nothing to say, write that. The trick is to just keep your hand moving the pen across the page for twenty minutes. When you have finished, sit in silence for a few moments and ask yourself how you feel. Do you feel more collected? Less scattered? Consider whether or not a morning brain-dump might be a helpful thing to add to your arsenal of wellness tools."

Here goes:

I am really worried about Dr. X. His office called to say he was away sick this week. He is never away, for any reason. He hasn't seemed well the past couple weeks, in fact the past couple months he's seemed a bit distracted. Now I am really worried. Worried he is sick like my Mom was sick. What if he were. I couldn't bear to lose him. How would I deal with that? I know my mind is taking me down that negative road, and for all I know he could just have the flu, but it seems like he has been worried about something lately. I even brought up my attachment to him, and how much he means to me in our sessions a couple times, because I felt something was wrong.

My mood is dropping again. Part of it is that worry about Dr. X and his well being, and part of it is the letter from my insurance company. I now feel like I am being watched (once again). At the bottom of the request for detailed minitue (sp?) of my day and any work or volunteer work I do they are making me sign the form saying I understand all my statements will be investigated and that they will contact the people I volunteer for etc. They don't get it. The more they put the fear of being spied on into me, the more I believe i am being watched, and the more I am afraid to do anything that might indicate to the non-psychiatrist eye that I am well and ready to return to work.

I am one of those people who is able to put a face on when I have to, so the studio I volunteer at, and even when i was working, my workmates and bosses, never had any idea I was sick. I can hide behind a type of false boisterousness for short periods of time, but the price I pay is exhaustion and an intense need to be alone. I believe I am working really hard at getting well, but I know I am no where near well. I need more "safe" time more time to slowly build my stamina. 5-6 hours a week volunteering in a supportive environment, where I can call in sick anytime I need to, where I have complete backup, in no way resembles a fast paced and highly stressful workplace where I am in fear of losing my job all the time.

Last week I wanted to commit suicide so badly. It isn't even that I feel as bad as I did before. I just feel like I will never get WELL...the capitals are intentional and represent the well that is me when I feel empowered, completely not depressed, powerful and excited about life, social and extremely outgoing.

All I want now, even though I feel better than I did, is to hide away at home, not answer the door, keep the curtains closed (so no one can watch me).. I have the means and opportunity to commit suicide. Last week I didn't because all my nieces have birthdays in these two/three weeks. I do not in any way want my death associated with such joyous occasions. I just want to go, and i feel like the time is getting closer and closer.

I wish my family could understand that my going would be a blessing. My pain would end. I do not know if they understand how painful it is to feel depressed all the time. Even I did not "get" what depression really could become until these last 6-7 years. Before I was depressed, but nothing I went through came even close to the length and intensity of this major depressive episode.

I have to teach today. I feel stressed out and angry that i have made that commitment. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there. Hide form the world, hide from myself, avoid life...this in itself is a "little death". Maybe if I do this long enough I will disappear.

20 minutes is harder than I thought. I don't know if any of you get what I mean when I see death as an intense relief. I think anyone who has not been depressed has a difficult time getting it. Even my pdoc. I think he gets it on an intellectual level, but I think he believes the desire to die will end with the relief of symptoms. I don't think that is true for me, because for me...I KNOW the symptoms will return, They never go away for ever, and every time they return they are worse. What kind of existence is that. I wish we were allowed to be put to sleep. My biggest fear is surviving suicide. I am so afraid I will miscalculate my plan and end up both severely depressed and lose my brain, or be completely physically trapped in a body that won't work. I would choose euthanasia if it were available.

I still have one more minute. I guess there is an upside to my depression. I met my pdoc and he has enhanced the life I have. I also met lots of people online who have also enhanced my life. I am grateful for that. Thanks for listening.
(20 minutes are up)

I feel exhausted. This might not be a good idea for me when depressed. It was why I stopped writing in my journals...I became too negative and focused on my depression. When well I can see how it might help me get ideas out on paper. Thanks Jazz for the idea.