Benzodiazepines and Me

In my appointment this week Dr. X. and I spent a lot of time talking about me and Diazepam (Valium). I take a small dose of Valium everyday, along with 600mg Tegretol and 30 mgs Prozac.

This mixture seems to have been the first to do anything towards helping my mood disorder's symptoms. I have taken some form of benzodiazepines (Lorazepam, Clonazepam, Temazepam and finally Diazepam) both short and long term off and on ever since I began seeing Dr. X. 6.5 years ago.

The short acting ones (especially Lorazepam) are a nightmare for me, because I get what seems to be withdrawal effects each day as they wear off and become really irritable, anxious and angry. Diazepam (Valium) has been different. It has helped me immensely.

My Major Depressive Disorder( MDD) is also accompanied by constant and debilitating anxiety attacks and sometimes panic attacks, insomnia, non-stop worrying, and some OCD symptoms; checking/rechecking, contamination fears and obsessive worries and thoughts.

This time I began taking Valium to ease my mouth movement symptoms and obsessive thoughts and music in my head (I am worried it is Tardive Dyskinesia, my pdoc suggested it is bruxism, but recently began wondering about TD too). The Valium seemed to stop the obsessive thoughts, allowed me to be comfortable in my volunteer role teaching art, helped me sleep, basically calmed me down enough so I can live a more relaxed life and not have constant anxiety symptoms. It also helped slow the mouth movements down a bit; although they are still pretty bad.

I read other's comments about benzodiazepines. The Shrink Rap psychiatrists, whose opinions I am interested in, and respect, seem very opposed to using them), also, I belong to an online support group and many people psychiatrists seem opposed to providing benzodiazepines for long term usage. I get the sense that these psychiatrists see long term need for benzodiazepines as a slippery slope to addiction and drug seeking behaviour.

So, in keeping with not wanting to be addicted, and not wanting to be a drug seeker, also, because I was afraid the Valium was masking my possible TD mouth movements, three weeks ago I decided I should try to get off Valium.

I informed Dr. X that this was what I wanted to do. He supported the idea, but told me to go off it very, very slowly; 10% or less a week. He said this would help me avoid some of the withdrawal side effects.

So I began. Within a week my good mood began slipping. I became more and more stressed, more and more depressed. By the time I went into this week's pdoc appointment I was slipping back into a deep depression. I had began craving alcohol again (and drinking again to relieve my stress and anxiety; something that I had stopped almost immediately upon beginning Valium again (a common pattern for me). I began isolating, not wanting to leave the house, unable to sit and be creative without being completely stressed out about how bad I was at what I was trying to do...the list goes on.

I asked Dr. X. about long term benzodiazepine usage. I asked him why he so readily provided them to me when so many pdocs and people seem opposed to the idea of anyone using these medications for long periods of time. I told him I had wanted to stop taking Valium because I did not want to be addicted, or dependent and because I hear so much negative press about people on these medications.

He told me that many psychiatrists would say there is a population of people where the risks of dependency and addiction have to be weighed against those people's debilitating symptoms. He said for me taking a small amount of Valium seemed to relieve me so much of so many symptoms of my anxiety. It appeared to him that my continuing to take Valium was the right choice for me (He said it better and much more coherently than that).

I expressed my feelings that some of my memory and word finding problems, and perhaps some of my balance problems were associated with taking a benzodiazepine. He told me that is possible and perhaps likely. Unfortunately the alternative for me is irritability, inability to sleep, extreme anxiety and the return of depressive symptoms. I decided I would go back on the Valium dose I was on. He seemed to think that was a good idea.

I know I build up a tolerance for Valium. It seems to stop working after a period of time. At that point I need a small increase in my dosage. I also know I have really bad withdrawal effects every time I go off it, which I need to do every once in a while for a period of time to offset the tolerance. However, I also know I am far more functioning and able to enjoy life when I take Valium.

I really worry that one day something might happen to Dr. X. and I will need to get a new pdoc, and they will not understand this dynamic the way Dr. X. does. They will think I am drug seeking if I ask for Valium, or think I am an addict, when in reality I wonder if there are some of us for whom benzodiazepines are a much needed supplement to the other medications we take.

What is the difference between a medication that is needed to maintain balance in a person's life, and a medication that the person is addicted to. I do not really understand where I fit in or to which category I belong. Dr. X says I am not an addict, nor am I drug seeking when I ask for Valium. I have to trust and believe he is right.