Monday, February 04, 2008

I Wish I Would Die

Caution: Open discussion about suicide, may trigger some people. (Please read this first)

This is just a rant. It's how I'm feeling, thinking, how I am this week. I will survive. I just need to get all this out of me and my pdoc's away.

The short version: My mood is cycling into an extreme low again. I have hoarded medications, including a HUGE amount of heart medication and phenobarbitol I managed to get at the pharmacy for my dog, Bert's, cardiomyopathy, low blood pressure and the seizures he's been having.

I talked the pharmacist into giving me months worth of his meds. I want to die. That was my intention when I picked Bert's medication up. I can't take this anymore...I'm hanging on though. Not sure how, or why.

The Long Version:

I am severely depressed again, after feeling a bit of a lift in mood for a few weeks. My pdoc is away for three weeks. It is the first decent amount of time off I have seen him take since I met him 6.5 years ago, so he deserves it, but I still miss the sessions and feel like I really need someone to talk to right now. I may not seem to get better with therapy, but I find his support each session invaluable.

I have no energy, or motivation. All I want to do is hide under the covers all day.
I have obssessive suicidal thoughts much of the time. Even when my mood lifted for a while I was having thoughts of suicide. In the past I have never acted on these thoughts, although I have come very close. I plan, get all the things in place to do it, write the note, and then, while writing the note I think of how devastated I would be if one of my sisters committed suicide. At that moment I curl up into a ball and try really hard to get rid of the thoughts and to hang on.

Dr. X once gave me a metaphor for hanging on, and I use it when I feel like this. He told me to think of myself being on, and a part of, a strong and sturdy ship in a stormy ocean. The wind and waves (like my depression and all the bad thoughts) may batter this ship, and push it off course, but it will not sink. My job is to hang onto the rudder and steer in spite of the storm. I find this a powerful image. So far I have hung on.

My suicidal thoughts differ depending on the symptoms of the depression. If I am extremely anxious or irritable they are often more violent in nature. When I am in an anxious, raging mood I have images of stabbing myself over and over again, or jumping from a tree out back and hanging myself, or shooting myself in the head.

All these thoughts act like some kind of release for me. The stabbing presents me with images of all the blood flowing out of me, and with it all my sadness. The hanging seems to be an image to snap me back into reality, and the gunshot provides me with a violent image to stop the rage. Dr. X. likens my thoughts to cutting. The thoughts provide me with some form of release.

For years I have horded all my extra medications so I will have a way out if I cannot manage anymore. My dillemma has always been that I do not want to use medications prescribed by Dr. X., because I respect him too much to kill myself using what he has provided me, to help me. Due to this I have always given in and brought in my piles of pills to Dr. X.

This changed recently, because my dog is so sick that he requires heart meds, pain meds and seizure meds...so I now have collected a massive amount of phenobarbital, sotolol, and lotensin for my dog...but I purchased the medications in quantity, so I could use them to go if I can't take it anymore. So I now have the means I need to disappear. I wish I had the will to make that happen.

Why?

Because I can't take not getting better for any reasonable amount of time. A couple weeks a year is simply not worth living for.

Because I am trying so hard to get better and nothing works, not medicine, not therapy, not my volunteering and trying to do some resembling work.

Because, all that ever seems to happen when I begin teaching again is I get so anxious, stop sleeping, stress out about how the classes are going, obssess about all my mistakes, obssess about why I cannot engage everyone, obssess about how I cannot do this, obssess about whether or not I am helping people...I feel like I'm trying so hard and it just isn't working.

Because, all my husband and I ever seem do do is avoid each other, or fight. I try so hard to get along, but he keeps telling me I just have to stop being so angry, just stop being depressed, or sad, or anxious...and I don't know how to do that. I'm trying, but nothing works. I hate who I have become.

I hate myself so much. I do not understand why this is happening to me. I do not understand how I worked so hard my whole life to get through university, to develop myself in my career...and now I'm nothing. Nothing, but depressed. Where did I go?

22 comments:

jcat said...

Oh A, wish you weren't feeling so bad. And that I could say something useful....

So much of what you write is how I feel, especially the bit about missing yourself. I do too. This is not who I am but doesn't seem like I get much say in the matter

Only positive I can think of is that it makes you kind of invulnerable. No ways would I be lucky enough to die accidentally...

Polar Bear said...

Aqua,
It sounds terrible, what you are going through. Are youable to get in touch with someone who is covering for Dr X? Did he give you a contact for when he is away?

My therapist was away over christmas new year and it was tough getting through those long endless weeks. And this week she was away again, which triggered a suicidal episode for me. I did manage to get some help and I think I'll com through this one alright - but I'm worried about you. Please, can you reach someone you can talk to?

Anonymous said...

Dont be a quiter. Whatever is bothering your mind and soul you need to get away from. Move and start a new life somewhere else if you have to, but dont end your life. I know what you are thinking. You dont know. It's not that easy. Well its beter than dying. Find new zest for life. Find your passion. Get into something and love it. Find friends you have intrests with. If that means finding a new life then so be it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing. I've just found your blog and am enthralled. It's what I would write, could I write. Sounds silly, but I wish I could hold your hand, just for a minute, to feel the reality of someone else out there, struggling to live through this.

agents said...

Tell me about it. It's all pretty pointless alot of the time isnt it? Life is just one dissapointment after another. One letdown after another. Life is one great big s#%t sandwich. Ever notice how if you think to yourself, eventually it has to get better. Eventually I have to feel happy. But notice how that fairy tail never comes true? It's always the same. When you are a kid you often think maybe there is some great purpose to your life that might reveal itself at some point later on, but the longer you wait the more you realise there is no point. One day you wake up and realise, hey I never became anything. I am nothing. It's funny the way some people say those that commit suicide are cowards or are quitters, like they don't know that or even care. That's probably why they are killing themselves. You can't win at life. What's the point in trying to win at a game so hopeless and futile?

Aqua said...

Hi Agents,
Sorry for the late reply. I don't often go back to old posts.

I never think that people who commit suicide are "quitters, or cowards". I agree life is so difficult for those of us who struggle with depression and other types of mental illness.

I hope you can see in my blog that it is so important to have someone to help you with these thoughts. Without my psychiatrist's unflagging support I know I would not be here.

I am still severely depressed, and still having huge mood swings, but with my pdoc's help I have begun focusing on my art, something I am finding meaningful. This is really helping me choose to live.

Please don't give up, keep trying to get the help you need.
...aqua

Salman R said...

I am going through same feelings as well. I feel like I'm nothing and feel suicidal sometimes. I'm 18 and the pressure on me is just too much --> need to get better grades in university, have high hopes from many people around and also my personal expectations of myself.

Sometimes I wonder what's the use of living this life but like you said I'm just holding on to my ship in this storm called life.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are just seeking attention. What you talk about with your psychiatrist should be private. It sounds like you just want pity and attention.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous of 12/20/10- you are an idiot!

Anonymous said...

I need help. I feel the same. I want to die but for some reason I haven't killed myself. I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I feel so pathetic and angry and have nothing to live for. I need help. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I don;t want to feel like this. I want to want to live.

I hope you feel better. If so. Let me know how.

typolisa@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

NO ONE BUT NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND DEPRESSION UNLESS HE/SHE HAS GONE THROUGH IT! DEPRESSION IS A CURSE, AN EMOTIONAL DISFIGURATION!

Sat said...

I'm so very sorry you feel this way ! I was severely depressed once, the anger, the sadness the hopelessness, the cage I felt I was trapped in. Seeing my life pass me by and not feeling like I could do anything to fix it. Things did get better though, slowly, sometimes suddenly. I'm doing much better now, but I completely relate to those who are depressed, in many cases, worse than I was. Its seriously an illness, only people who've felt depression understand. I don't know too much about it, but I am a psychology graduate student. I suggest reading books at the library about your condition and trying multiple therapists with different treatment modalities. Just declare war on the depression, you'll kick it in the near future, I'm sure you will :) Never give up hope though...tomorrow is a new day, a bright new day.

Anonymous said...

i dont know why but my tears wont stop falling.i wish i would die accidentally right here right now.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your life. It seems to me you have the one thing I crave a career. I am sure it was not easy going through school, but you had the opportunity. Maybe if you look at how other people envy then your life isn't that bad.

Anonymous said...

I was going to write this on paper and leave it on the bed side table but I just could not see the point of doing so. I have no one who cares to read it in my life and it will just probably end up balled up and used for a trash can basketball any way. I did however feel some type of need to leave one last thing in this world and it was my goodbye. I wish each and every one of you good health and a chance at healing with in. So with the short words I have left in my life I will end this letter and bid you all... Goodbye

Richard Neva said...

Today I wish the same thing. I cannot get it up for suicide though because of my Catholic religion. I am a new Diabetic and that is reason enough for me. Now cancer maybe, something fatal. I have no friends and no where to go. I go into debt every month and it just keep mounting. I take psysc. drugs too for depression and anxiety and I still stay in bed all day. I hate exercising so maybe being a Diabetic will do me in, I can only hope I guess. I love terminal diseases, no escape!

Anonymous said...

OP; even though this post is old,wow you have taken the thoughts out of my head and put them in front of my eyes. I have felt this way most of my life... but som how I have hung on this far... but why....

The big question why?

Anonymous said...

There is no answer to your "why".
It simply "is".

Being brought up in a horrible abusive family, I should have died, but I didnt.

There is no big sky god out there to fix us, we all really have only ourselves and, each other.

Today is one of those "I wish I would die" days for me.
We all know while we are going through these described abysmally low events that we will get better again, like we have before, but really, it feels like we will never see the light of day again.

Being intellectually aware of what is happening to you does not make it easier, no.
It just makes it so.

Anonymous said...

I would like to add that using pills orally is a really rough way to go.
Your body begins to reject the pill sludge in your stomach, long before they are absorbed and you most likely will die choking on your vomit, very aware of what is going on.

Pills are alluring, but terribly inefficient.

Anonymous said...

When I read something like this I think, well Keya see you have a husband. So you aren't alone. I am alone all the time. No man has ever loved me and I'm 31. I have no career. I have major health concerns. I finally managed to get enough money to move to a different city hoping I could start over. But I can't move because no out of state health insurance will take me. I was going to use a family members address to keep my insurance while I find a job and the two people I have said no. My phone does not ring. I have struggled with depression for years. I try to find things to hold onto. But there really isn't anything. I live alone so my fear is my body won't be found for some time making it harder on the people who will take my body.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for each and everyone of you, that God may fill your lives with health, love, faith, hope, joy, peace, and purpose.

Maria Garcia said...
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