I Wish I Would Die

Caution: Open discussion about suicide, may trigger some people. (Please read this first)

This is just a rant. It's how I'm feeling, thinking, how I am this week. I will survive. I just need to get all this out of me and my pdoc's away.

The short version: My mood is cycling into an extreme low again. I have hoarded medications, including a HUGE amount of heart medication and phenobarbitol I managed to get at the pharmacy for my dog, Bert's, cardiomyopathy, low blood pressure and the seizures he's been having.

I talked the pharmacist into giving me months worth of his meds. I want to die. That was my intention when I picked Bert's medication up. I can't take this anymore...I'm hanging on though. Not sure how, or why.

The Long Version:

I am severely depressed again, after feeling a bit of a lift in mood for a few weeks. My pdoc is away for three weeks. It is the first decent amount of time off I have seen him take since I met him 6.5 years ago, so he deserves it, but I still miss the sessions and feel like I really need someone to talk to right now. I may not seem to get better with therapy, but I find his support each session invaluable.

I have no energy, or motivation. All I want to do is hide under the covers all day.
I have obssessive suicidal thoughts much of the time. Even when my mood lifted for a while I was having thoughts of suicide. In the past I have never acted on these thoughts, although I have come very close. I plan, get all the things in place to do it, write the note, and then, while writing the note I think of how devastated I would be if one of my sisters committed suicide. At that moment I curl up into a ball and try really hard to get rid of the thoughts and to hang on.

Dr. X once gave me a metaphor for hanging on, and I use it when I feel like this. He told me to think of myself being on, and a part of, a strong and sturdy ship in a stormy ocean. The wind and waves (like my depression and all the bad thoughts) may batter this ship, and push it off course, but it will not sink. My job is to hang onto the rudder and steer in spite of the storm. I find this a powerful image. So far I have hung on.

My suicidal thoughts differ depending on the symptoms of the depression. If I am extremely anxious or irritable they are often more violent in nature. When I am in an anxious, raging mood I have images of stabbing myself over and over again, or jumping from a tree out back and hanging myself, or shooting myself in the head.

All these thoughts act like some kind of release for me. The stabbing presents me with images of all the blood flowing out of me, and with it all my sadness. The hanging seems to be an image to snap me back into reality, and the gunshot provides me with a violent image to stop the rage. Dr. X. likens my thoughts to cutting. The thoughts provide me with some form of release.

For years I have horded all my extra medications so I will have a way out if I cannot manage anymore. My dillemma has always been that I do not want to use medications prescribed by Dr. X., because I respect him too much to kill myself using what he has provided me, to help me. Due to this I have always given in and brought in my piles of pills to Dr. X.

This changed recently, because my dog is so sick that he requires heart meds, pain meds and seizure meds...so I now have collected a massive amount of phenobarbital, sotolol, and lotensin for my dog...but I purchased the medications in quantity, so I could use them to go if I can't take it anymore. So I now have the means I need to disappear. I wish I had the will to make that happen.

Why?

Because I can't take not getting better for any reasonable amount of time. A couple weeks a year is simply not worth living for.

Because I am trying so hard to get better and nothing works, not medicine, not therapy, not my volunteering and trying to do some resembling work.

Because, all that ever seems to happen when I begin teaching again is I get so anxious, stop sleeping, stress out about how the classes are going, obssess about all my mistakes, obssess about why I cannot engage everyone, obssess about how I cannot do this, obssess about whether or not I am helping people...I feel like I'm trying so hard and it just isn't working.

Because, all my husband and I ever seem do do is avoid each other, or fight. I try so hard to get along, but he keeps telling me I just have to stop being so angry, just stop being depressed, or sad, or anxious...and I don't know how to do that. I'm trying, but nothing works. I hate who I have become.

I hate myself so much. I do not understand why this is happening to me. I do not understand how I worked so hard my whole life to get through university, to develop myself in my career...and now I'm nothing. Nothing, but depressed. Where did I go?