Sunday, January 27, 2008

Delusions of Being Unloveable or Rejection Sensitivity?

I am not sure if what I experience are delusions, but today I received an e-mail from my sister. She had forwarded a letter from a friend we had in grades 8 and 9. This friend had been trying to contact me for the last two years via e-mail. I simply never returned her e-mails because I feel so ashamed of what I have become.

I felt she would be repulsed by me, like I was completely unlovable and such a loser for being so depressed for so long. I felt she would reject me, or even worse, make fun of me and who I have become. I feel embarrassed for not being able to work. I feel like a loser for never having kids, which I chose because I knew I could barely take care of myself, let alone a beautiful child. I feel like I am a bad person and no one will like me when they find out who I am.

In the letter my sister forwarded to me from our old friend the friend was so kind and empathetic. She said so many kind things about me and our times together. She sounded genuinely sorry that I was struggling so much. I don't really know what to believe about how people will react to me now. Maybe people understand more than I believe they do?


Polar Bear said...

When a person is depressed, it is hard to see any good in themselves. I don't know you, but you don't sound like a horrible person to me. I have never met you, but I don't think I would be repulsed by you.

I understand the feeling of inadequacy, the feeling like we are terrible people. It's not you. It's the illness.

jcat said...

I second what Polar Bear says... even though I feel the same.